I'm pretty sure that my 10 year relationship with the woman I love is over. - Al-Anon Family Group

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm pretty sure that my 10 year relationship with the woman I love is over.

MyBrokenHeart · Member

Long story short. I was married. She was a binge drinker. We had two kids. Nomatter how bad it got, I loved her with all my heart, and it got very bad. After the third or fourth ultimatum of "if you don't stop I'm leaving you," I actually filed for divorce.

I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, so we had joint custody of the kids after the divorce. Bad move on my part, because she set the couch on fire with them in the house. Now I'm tied up in court to get full custody.

Since the fire she went to a 28 day rehab and has started doing AA 5 to 6 days a week. I fully supported her. I paid for her gas money to go to meetings (we live in a rural area and you have to drive around a lot for meetings)

She's still the love of my life and I care for her more than anything. We were together Wednesday and I told her how much I loved her and needed her. She said she loves me too.

Then I saw her phone.

Apparently she's been having a realtionship with someone from one of the AA meetings she's gone to behind my back.

She said that she was just talking to the guy because she was mad at me, and I freely admit that I have been super-angry at this whole deal, but now I don't trust her. She had a huge problem with lying before she was sober, and now I don't know what to believe.

To top that, her sponsor happens to be a "13th" stepper who ended up divorcing her husband and finding another one in AA. Classy lady I'm sure.

Her addiction literally decimated my life. I had to drop out of school just to take care of the kids after the fire.

And now her sobriety is destroying what's left of it.

AA has helped a lot of people, including some friends of mine.

But some cases A's are just trading one addiction for another. And sometimes they're extremely selfish people with no sense of responsibility for their past or present actions.

The typical Bill Wilson response to stuff like this is, "Well AA saved her life and that's way more important than your feelings and your family."

Maybe so. But I have a right to be angry. My life is being ruined by someone I can't help but love, and she doesn't care one whit about how her behavior is affecting me or the kids.

I was willing to completely drop the custody hearing if she would just be there for me and love me. But she's acting like I'm in the wrong for being upset about her seeing men in AA. And that by being upset im "ruining her recovery."

I don't think I'm going to do anything in the way of supporting her going to those meetings since shes using them to hurt me.

I have so much hate in me it's sick and I have no clue what to do.

This is a nightmare. If I liked to drink I think I would be an alcoholic after all I'm going through.

Lalu · Member

I am so sorry. I am struggling with the pitfalls of having a significant other so involved in AA as well. It feels like he is replacing one addiction for another, and at this point I'm not sure which is worse.

If I were you, I would not pay for gas anymore. And bring it to her sponsor's attention that she's been fooling around with other AA members. I think the reaction you get from these two actions will tell you how to proceed with the future.

MyBrokenHeart · Member

Lalu wrote:
I am so sorry. I am struggling with the pitfalls of having a significant other so involved in AA as well. It feels like he is replacing one addiction for another, and at this point I'm not sure which is worse.

I know how you feel. But let's face it. If you truly love someone, and they are an A, they need to be in a 12 step program. I am so proud of her for going, but I'm also hurt at what she's done.

Tonight after her meeting, I'm going to tell her that I am proud of what she's doing for herself, but I'm going to also tell her that what she's doing is hurting me.

I love her dearly and it will break my heart to have to remove myself from her life. But I feel that I do not deserve to be treated the way I have been.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It's not her sobriety that is ruining anything. She is barely into AA. So basically, she has not been sober long enough to change at all. People in early recovery are often nuts for a good while - especially since you are describing a relatively low bottom drunk already.

It may be wise to step away and give yourself space and time. If she works a solid program, she will gain insight into how she has hurt others. She might not ever be the wife you wanted, but she if she works the program, she will recognize the error of her ways. It will take much more time and work though.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha MyBrokenHeart

Thank you for coming here to share with us what's going on for you.

Alcoholism is a selfish disease. But it's not a personal one. I echo what was mentioned before... she's not drinking AT you, she's not getting sober AT you, she's not attending AA AT you. And even her discussions and connections with the other guy, while she claims it's your fault (she did it because she's mad at you, you said), it is NOT your fault. This is alcoholism and fresh sobriety making her behave in unexpected ways.

Imagine, if you can, that she used alcohol as a coping mechanism for all her guilt, etc. Imagine having that coping mechanism taken away and being requested, now, to figure out how to deal with it all without it. On top of it, the physical allergy to alcohol has her body screaming at her to drink... and while she used to just obey that call, she can no longer do so.

Doesn't make the hurt you feel any less, but maybe it might help you to understand that the alcoholic isn't behaving in this manner because she just wants to hurt you.

All of that said, I hope you can find your way to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. As you find here online, you'll also see that the people in the meeting rooms have also lived through much of what you're experiencing with your alcoholic. If you go with an open mind, you may find help and solutions to your situation.

Keep coming back.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with keep coming back. As hard as it is to imagine what an A does is so not about the people they love and care for. It's not personal and yet it can't appear to be more personal .. after all it's marriage how much more personal does it get? I'm saddened by what has happened to my AH, and he's choosing not to get sober and get better. It breaks my heart for the kids .. there is not one thing I can do about it.

Where I can change and what I can change is ME. I don't have to live mired in hate and resentment. My children don't have to watch me hate their dad. I get frustrated .. I posted a recent story about a simple task of driving the kids to and from school because the family van broke down. There is a great quote in C2C .. resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I am more than those petty emotions that are not facts about who I am .. they are feelings and I have a right to those feelings. I also have a great opportunity to process them, learn from them and then move through them. I have the opportunity to be a better person and I will grab that gladly with both hands.

If someone had told me that a year and a half almost two years later after DUI #3 (#1 since we've been together) was going to happen and completely destroy what we had .. I would have said not my spouse. Now at min one affair possibly more, minimizing what has happened in regards to the DUI after all it's just a reckless driving charge, it's all my fault of course. His life, his choices, .. all my fault. It makes me sad to watch him spiral. I think the thing that is the hardest is him seeming so normal and reminding myself that no he is so not normal. He won't be until he gets some kind of help. They say anything and everything to make things go their way. I no longer am on that string and I let go of the rope. At the rate he's going he's going to go to jail .. he won't make it until 2014 without another alcohol related incident. I am sad for him, truly sad now. What I am sooo grateful for is the program of alanon .. because without it .. just 90 days ago I would have been in the fetal position not wanting to continue moving forward with anything in my life. I have hope, I have goals and I have remembered some dreams I also have.

I will probably never look the same at my spouse again .. there is no trust, no wanting to make it work on either side, and I'm truly ready to let go and give him to HP. I just can't do this anymore.

I am truly sorry for the pain you are in .. pain is a great motivator of change so I hope you will grab on to that opportunity to change (my sponsor will vouch .. I have often cried on the phone and said awareness completely and totally sucks!!! I have enough at the moment thank you very much!!). It will benefit you and your children most of all.

Keep coming back, you are not alone in this mire of pain you are in at the moment. It really truly does get better. It takes a lot of work and effort .. it does get better. Besides .. if you don't like the results you can have a full refund of your misery at the door as you leave. I hope you will keep coming back because you truly are worth it.

Hugs p :)

MyBrokenHeart · Member

Well here's the update, tonight I got on my knees in tears and begged her not to tear apart our family. I told her how proud I was for what she'd already accomplished and that I truly needed her.

She said that me being upset at her relationship with the guy in AA was making her want to relapse and that she couldn't deal with it.

I cried more and begged her to stay with me. I told her that I would do anything for her.

She said she'd consider it if I dropped the custody case and asked for $50 for gas to go to an AA conference tommorow. (Jeez that just what she did when she wasn't sober!)

She also said that she liked the guy in AA because he was nice and wasn't crazy like me. I have to give her a point on that 10 years with an addict will make you crazy!

But I told her I wasn't dropping the custody case. She put the children in danger, and I am in no way trying to spite her, but I don't think it's in their best interest for her to have custody right now, since she's only been sober around 65 days.

I also did not give her money for the conference.

I think barring a miracle, our relationship is over. I can only wish that she stays sober and is a great mother to our children.

I am an emotional wreck. I'm going to an Al Anon meeting next week.

Thank everyone so much for your kind words and support. It makes me feel less lonely.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

The problem with us human beings and I have been guilty is that we want it all when we want it and we want everything to be perfect NOW. We fail to look at the big picture.

Alcoholics will get sober or not in there own time, not ours. Our happiness is too wrapped up in another person. Truth is we have all these expectations put on another person, the source of our happiness has to come from us and thats a lot of work.

People say , BUT I love them deeply. Do you love them and yourself enough to say "hands off" . When I parted with my husband , I really wanted him to have sobriety, whether I was with him or not. I wish it for him today, he deserves it with all he's been thru. I deserve a happy life also...Some involved with an Alcoholic may find it together and some may not. I do know we all will be different better people in the end for all we have endured. We will be proud of ourselves. Just keep coming back, because it works if you work it. Just all you newbies do not put off going to that meeting. You will be glad you did.

Luv, Bettina

Jadie · Veteran Member

'She said that me being upset at her relationship with the guy in AA was making her want to relapse and that she couldn't deal with it.'

When I read this it reminds me of the cunning & manipulation an A in denial will spout forth. She is still blaming outside influences for making her want to drink.

She drinks because she is an alcoholic, she is sick.

We can stay embroiled in their insanity or we can get ourselves healthy. It was only in detaching from the disease I could then accept it for what it was and see that I was part of the insanity. It was only when I kept going back to meetings that I came to realise that NOTHING I said or did caused them to drink and NOTHING I said or did would make them stop......like you I begged and begged, pleaded and pleaded, cried and cried..... demeaning and diminishing myself more at every step while they blamed and shamed all the while clinging to the disease.

I am a healthier person for letting go (with love) and allowing them their own journey.

Al-anon will greatly support you and your children

Glad you are here.....keep coming back

In support

Jadie x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You do not need to ever beg anyone to be with you. Please don't put yourself in a victim role because it encourages a badly behaved alcoholic to manipulate you and disrespect you. Your family will face hardships and they will adjust as long as you love your kids and keep looking out for them. Of course none of this is ideal, but I would stay away from thinking in black and white - (No her = family ripped apart, She stays = family is all good). Your family has already been stressed by her illness. She is not going to vanish out of your kids lives. The answers are in shades of gray and you only need to focus on today. I can imagine the prospect of being a single dad is terrifying and you never planned on this. It will be okay. You will build healthy supports. Alanon is there for you. A sick and unhealthy person (your wife) cannot continue to be your chief support at the moment.

nyc018 · Senior Member

I totally relate to how your w's drinking decimated your life. My AH's did that to me. As he now has 9 months sober, I still don't feel the "relief" I thought I would if he'd just stay sober. I do think you are absolutely right to fight for your children's custody and safety. The one thing that kept me going last summer, after the hell of my H's alcoholic mental collapse, was my son and that I have to keep fighting to protect him. As good a parent as an A may be, they are not trustworthy and it can take years and lots of hard work for their brain to get out of the fog. Your w is clearly trying to maniuplate the situation in a typical alcoholic way. They like to loom the threat of "if you don't do so and so I can't handle it and I will drink." Honestly they will drink or won't, regardless. It's part and parcel of the sickness. I"m glad you're here and you're certainly not alone. Sending you support.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

In my life someone who is in recovery is not one who talks to other men when they are married.

She is an A, A's lie. Remember just because she may not be using, does not mean she is in recovery. Does not mean she is working on not lying not manipulating etc.

She is still an Addict with all the addict ways. She will never be a non addict and think and behave like a non addict.

Now my experience was I would see A's in recovery talk program, talk about and live how they changed to not lie, to not steal, to be more thoughtful of others etc.

They were just "clean" somehow.

She is still very very sick. I think we get fooled becuz we want that person we loved so much to be back. But in reality, we may glimpse them but inside they really are still A's with a progressive disease.

I am so sorry you got intimate and felt well so good. Then to be hurt again so badly. I still remember feeling so happy and calm, A H was sitting there clean and working on program, then all of a sudden he would say something off the wall and then my heart would break and off he would go, disease took him away again. yuck.

keep coming, we need you and you need us! love,debilyn

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