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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My husband refuses to quite smoking weed...
Post Info TOPIC: My husband refuses to quite smoking weed...
lunakat82


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My husband refuses to quite smoking weed...
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Hi All - 

I'm not sure if I'm writing in correct place, but I am struggling with family issues now and needed some advice.  My husband has been smoking weed for about 10 years now - maybe past 2-4 years it's been very heavy - every day, a couple times a day (before work, sometimes during work, after work and several times before bed).  Gosh - it could be longer than that.. i'm not really sure.  He used to smoke (as I did) back before we had kids, too, so it's been a long time that he's been smoking weed.  Anyway, we have 2 young kids, who don't know what he does, but they are aware that he "smokes" on the porch or in the basement.  

He works hard and loves his job and he's never been in trouble with the law in any way before.  I don't see him ever having problems with the law... but I am worried about his health. He has started weezing at night, and he wakes me up in the morning coughing so bad when he takes a hit before work... He also says that it's loosing it's good effect which makes me worry that he'll just start smoking even more to acheive the high he's after.

When I confront him about it, he says i'm trying to control him and that he can do what he wants.  I'm worried about his health, and I'm worried about our kids being exposed by this weed problem.  I finally woke up the other day and realized I don't want this in our family life any more - but i feel selfish for standing up to it.  He obviously doesn't want to quite - and he said if he did stop smoking weed, he'd probably pick up drinking more alchohol... but he's made it clear that he has no intentions to stop.  He has a lot of underlying issues that he doesn't know how to deal with, and I feel like this weed is just covering up deeper issues - so even if he does stop smoking or drinking, how then can he address his own wounding issues below the surface?    

I don't want him to leave me, but is there anythign else I can do to convince him or somehow get him to change his mind?  I know i've been enabling this behavior for far too long, and i guess I just hoped that he would stop or get tired of it.. but he hasn't.  I don't think he realizes how much it affects our relationship - but he never wants to do things with the family... and I often feel like he only can be with us when he's high... I know I cannot convince him to change if he doesn't want to change, but I am starting to realize that I can choose to be a part of this behavior and I am choosing not to be a part of it... 

we have our issues that any couple raising two small kids have, but i feel like this issue is a major one, and I don't see why he doesn't see it this way.  I don't want him to leave me because of this. but I don't know what else to do. Is it wrong for me to bring up all my concerns, even though this weed problem for him hasn't made him loose his work or get in trouble with the law?  

Also - if he agrees to cut back on it, and maybe stop... how can he find a way to get help for the issues he has that make him smoke in the first place?  I dont' think he would ever seek help from any one else (like a therapist or group therapy)... so what difference does it makes if he stops weed, but then continues to live in his depression that is below all the drug abuse?  He wont seek help.... 



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Debilyn


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Lunakat, welcome and you did fine.

What he does as far as his smoking is none of our business. We cannot make them change anyway. That's hard I know becuz we love them. But the truth is he is the only one who can make those kinds of decisions.

We can make ourselves crazy trying to control another person,and too, chase them away.

In Al Anon we learn to give them the respect and dignity of them being in control of their lives. If you were overweight and loved ice cream or whatever I am sure you would hate it if he told you it was unhealthy stop it etc.

We learn to detach from their behavior and just love them. Use skills like if it bugs us we let go of it. We cannot change it anyway.

As far as he is not getting the same affects, seems to have coughing problems etc, it may be the little aveoli's in his lungs are being damaged by smoke, clogged up with oil or destroyed. So smoking more will only do more damage. (the wonderful little delicate organs that take in oxygen)

So to me its between him and his doc.

I had to face to accept people as is, and use my skills to love them as is not trying to change them.

If I couldn't I went my way. We all want to be loved in spite of ourselves.

Its hard to watch I know, believe me.

Al Anon meetings are great. An addict is an addict, its a disease so a 12 step program for you would help so much. Its more what can you do for YOU to not be affected by his choices.

My A used to say look at my stomach! My liver is so swollen. I would say oh really, so are you concerned? Not be his doctor or mother or counselor.

Glad you are here, hope you keep coming as believe me you are more than welcmome! love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
pinkchip


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Go to an alanon or narcanon meeting. The best way to influence recovery is to work on your own.

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lunakat82


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Thanks so much for these replies.  I guess I just keep hoping things will change, but they aren't.  ANd I sure won't be able to change his mind.. but know that if i do keep talking about this that it will push him away.  if I'm in a meeting, but he chooses not to do a meeting or seek help or work on his issues, then i just sit and let him continue with his behaviors?  I guess all these questions would be addressed in an Alanon meeting which I will look into.  I am definitely needing guidance as I feel like i'm loosing my patience in sticking by this and dealing with a lot of hurtful things.

As for the health issues - I wish he'd go to a doctor!  But he doesn't care about his health, and would never admit that he's smoking so much to a doc anyway. 

I will look into a meeting. I like how you said the "best way to influence recovery is to work on your own."

Thanks again. 


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Mattie


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You ask, "then i just sit and let him continue with his behaviors?"  In Al-Anon we learn the Three C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it.  The fact is that if there were any way we could keep them from continuing with their behaviors, there would be no addicts in the world.  But we don't have any choice.  We have to let them continue.  Because we have no way of stopping them.  Nobody does.  If an addict is determined to continue, he will continue in rehab, in prison, in hospitals, anywhere he is.  Only when he decides to seek recovery -- if he does -- in his own time, and not on our schedule, can he change his behavior.  And trying to convince him to seek recovery clearly doesn't work.  I would bet that everyone on this board has tried to convince our addict a hundred times.

But we can change our own behavior, and that changes our whole lives.  We also don't have to sit by while he does anything.  We always have a choice of whether to stay or to go.  If we stay, we have choices as to how we respond and whether we let his behavior make us unhappy.  We can maintain our serenity without waiting for him to do this or that.  That is one of many reasons our own recovery is so precious.

I hope you'll read many threads here, go to meetings, get literature, and learn all you can.  There are miracles in store.



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BRAlanon


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Keep going to meetings, read the literature, talk to people...... Things will get better for YOU.

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My husband refuses to quite smoking weed...