The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I could have written this at one time, Corgi. I would sweep the bad stuff with my alcoholic under the rug just so we could stay together, what I later realized is that I just wanted my will, I wanted it to work out, and work out MY way. Of course, I'd get so frustrated when the cycle happened again, totally not seeing my part in it - I was sick too, stuck in denial, unwilling to accept reality. A lot of unacceptable behavior was directed my way, but I just kept going back for more.
One of my defects of character is caring more for OTHERS than I do for myself, I tend to give myself away. Growing up in an alcoholic home, I learned this very well where I was taught "don't talk, don't trust, and don't feel." I became just a shell of a person. So today, I work REALLY hard to give MYSELF some value, that is spiritual work for me. Working this program is Higher power's work.
Recovery taught me to start dreaming, I didn't dare before, and I always accepted scraps. I was totally not the author of my own life, I just kinda blew about in the wind, letting life happen to me. lol. So I was told to start journaling so I could begin to discover my dreams. I often wrote about what a peaceful life would LOOK like and it felt so good to let my brain go there, to go to my "happy place." I left it open, as to WHO was going to be in my life, it no longer mattered if it was my alcoholic or not. I was open.
It's okay to love an alcoholic, it really is. If you fear he won't work his program, just keep working your own, love yourself too. Keep YOUR dreams alive, and you will be fine whether he is in the picture or not. That's how it worked for me ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 22nd of May 2012 01:30:24 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My exABF moved back home today from his work where he has been for three months. we have talked here and there but have become much more distant as of recently. Since he's home he wants to see me to talk about things. But I feel different now, at least I think I do. I feel like when he's not in my life I miss him, but there is much less stress and anxiety. I already feel on edge and I haven't even seen him yet. I've always been so concerned with how he feels and if he's happy or not that I have never aknowledged if Im happy or not. And Im pretty sure Im not happy. How do I just let go and walk away? My heart still cares for him deeply, but I also know that nothing is going to change. Things wil get better for a few weeks or even a few months, but they will eventually fall apart again because he refuses to work a program. How do I know if I've given up or if Im just bitter?
Thanks a lot....what you said about how you blew about in the wind and let life happen to you just hit me really hard. I have always let things just happen instead of making things happen. Awesome insight!
