The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ugh--last night I feel like 18 months of the program went out the window in many ways. My AH watches our kids so I can go to a meeting and we usually eat dinner together after and catch up. I think he was drunk when I got back and he also lied about something assinine immediately. The entire thing bubbled into a huge yelling match with me screaming "Get the F*** OUT!!!"
The button he pushed was that I have not supported him enough over the years--I used to work too much so he felt neglected and also how two years ago (before I was even in Al-Anon) I refused to go to an AA meeting with him (mind you, at that point he would usually lie about going to meetings and drink beer in the parking lot and come home drunk....). I know he is sick and it's not like this is the first time he has thrown this in my face...but it just struck me and I reacted. So grateful we are separated so he has a place to go...
The differences in me now compared to old explosions like this--I didn't cry at all (sadness wasn't even an emotion on my radar), I can let go faster, and my chest doesn't hurt and my heart wasn't pounding. I also slept through the night. I honestly kept my cool for quite a long amount of time before snapping too and if he had left when I FIRST asked him, it wouldn't have got to that point. So for that I am gratefule and I see progress in myself.
But once again, I am reminded of how sick he is and how twisted his thinking is. He is suffering immensely and I cannot help him--on the contrary, if I am not keeping my program in check, I just make it worse.
Please be gentle with yourself .. trust me when I say in the past 90 days especially I have had moments of walking by an open window and chucking my program out of it on purpose .. yes .. I know .. so not alanon. Not proud of those moments however it's about progress not perfection.
I'm starting to remember and this was a big big big word (I like to change words it's kind of like my slogans I pick one and it just sticks for a while until there's a new step for more growth and then the old slogan will come back at some point) for me when I came on these boards when I hear things like that it's all deflection (I swear I used that word in at least once in every post .. LOL!!) from the real issue at hand. The reality is this .. his drinking is only a symptom of a bigger issue. Even if he were to stop drinking there are plethora of other things that need to be addressed. So when he's yelling like that pretend that it's not you he's yelling at; it's a carbon copy of himself, all of that anger is really about him. It's really not about you. Even though the things he says they hurt and we always want to get defensive and protect ourselves it's really so not about us.
You are absolutely right .. his thinking is very distorted and he is suffering. He will continue to suffer until he's ready to stop.
The good thing about chucking the program out the open window is that you can go outside the open window and find it again. Believe it or not it will all be in one piece AND you might find a small missing piece that you needed anyway.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I dunno I am not a saint either. Last night some people who are drug addicts were making noise outside my door. I can't say I was that compassinate but I didn't tell them to get lost. They tried the usual being friendly stuff and it didn't wash with me.
I would expect to snap every once in a while around any alcoholic.
