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Hi everyone,
I'd be really interested to hear any experiences you have had with alcoholics in early sobriety and mood swings. My AH has been sober for 1 month. This is an amazing achievement and I am really really happy, proud and amazed that he has done it. He is going to addiction counselling twice per week and going to aa meetings too. I am finding that I still don't know where I stand with regards to his moods though. I still feel like I'm walking on egg shells. It's not as bad as it was when he was actively drinking, but still horrible and I hate it when he shouts at me.
For example, today he had a big meeting at work, it went really well for him. I have been offered some work (I have just moved permanently to be where he is on secondment with his work. Been here about 6 weeks now). For double the salary I got before we moved. He went to his counselling meeting. All in all I thought today was a good day.
Anyway, he's back lateish so I made a nice meal for us to have together. The night starts well but then He starts saying that he is upset about the pressures he is under at work and how little anyone else understands about it. I ask whether he means his friends or his work colleagues or both. He immediately raises his voice saying he can't believe I don't get it and exactly what am I doing to deal with it?!?!?!?!
We are living in rented accommodation that his work pays for. It is is a very nice location and he is paid well. I think this might be making him feel a bit trapped about making any decisions about his future employment. However, we own a house somewhere else that we rent out. We could easily move back there or sell it and get by on much less income. I must have discussed this with him literally over 100 times but when I say it tonight his response is "why have you never brought up this option before". That is just bonkers. I must have said it like a said literally 100 times.
He continued to shout saying that I have him at his wits end. When I asked him why he said if I'm that stupid that I don't know he's not going to tell me. He shouted so loudly that I said I was not going to stay in the room with him and left. He's done this a few times now over different things. The next morning he is back to being sweet and light and i just have to drop it.
Should I just drop it? Have other people found their other halves moody and difficult to be sprint when newly sober? I feel so annoyed that what I thought was a good day full of good things for both of us has now ended badly because he's decided to have an incomprehensible tantrum.
Xxx
I have to say I am really glad that you posted this. I can very much relate! I picked up my AF today and we ran some errands. He can leave where he is staying now for a few hours a day. He stopped drinking last Saturday, after drinking since May 2nd. Prior to that he had exactly one year to the date. He was moody and short tempered all day. We took my car to get a tire fixed that had a nail in it. I added something to the conversation with the guy at the tire store and got the look and then he lectured me for interrupting him. It was weird, bizarre and way over the top from his normal self. By the time I dropped him back off, I couldn't wait to get away from him. I sped away and he yelled, "F-U!" at me as I left. He looked and sounded like a total jerk. So, I guess this is maybe part of what they go through, but I wasn't going to sit there and take it. He called me about an hour later and apologized and talked about how stressed he was. I really am not looking forward to spending time with him again any time soon.
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Well Sarah after being with the Alcoholic for over 26 years(now divorced) I know where this dynamic is going. Its, Let me keep pushing her buttons so we can get into a big drama yell fest and I can walk out and get loaded. and you can be left sitting there to figure out what you did to cause it.
Its a game alcoholics play because all they really want to do is drink. You can sit there and talk and talk and explain your feelings and try to get him to open up and you think this will help. Nothing will help. I have done this myself, when really all we need to do is back off. let go and let him figure it out for himself. We have enough to do by just working our own program.
We need to stick to it and mind our own business, that alone is the most difficult of tasks.
Boy oh Boy, this is me 18 months ago and now! I used the phrase walking on egg shells too! At times, I wished my AW would start drinking again because at least it was patternable. How sick is that? But what I am learning is Al-Anon is forcing me (in a non-forcing way, of course) to look at myself and my reactions. I thought I was going crazy when the behavior was worse after the drinking stopped. But someone said to me, "My partner goes to AA to keep sober. I go to Al-Anon to keep sane." I have found this is starting to work for me!
Hi My abf has been sober on and off for 3 years in AA longest was 9 months. everytime he has a slip he goes back to just how sick he was really fast. Then when he stops he goes back to the behaviours you are talking about. I liken it to stopping smoking the drink has gotten back inthere they start tocrave again and get irratible. I find early sobriety the hardest. to take care of me I give him as much space as i can and up my meetings and work my programme extra hard for me. at the moment my ABF is just coming out of a slip and living in his mums I do not have much contact. My boundary for me is when he is active I get out of the way I do not do this to change him but to protect my kids. He wants contact now he is going back to AA but I have told him I am focusing on my recovery and we can only have miminal contact be friends till we are healthy.
its hard
I am just trying to keep the focus on myself and Al anon helps me to do that
Yes - And in fact many recovering alcoholics are misdiagnosed with Bipolar personality in early recovery simply because it is a time where they have few coping skills for dealing with stress of any kind - as their main coping skill (drinking) is now gone.
I can only suggest some alanon tools which would include not stepping into every argument that he puts out there. I believe the saying is "You don't have to attend every argument you are invited to." You can say "You are being irrational" and walk away. You stated you already do this sometimes. I guess you could do it more to just leave him with his own behavior and not even let him think for a second that it's okay to yell and call names like "stupid" in a marriage. After you say something succint like "that's inappropriate" and walk away - that's no guarantee that he won't keep raging - but it's a declaration that you aren't playing that game.
It takes 6 months or a year of a person really working AA for the values of AA to sink in...While he is bitching about work and all the "stress" he is under, eventually someone who has been sober longer will tell him "Welcome to the real world. We all have jobs and you are not so special." Typically active alcoholics and those in early recovery function under what we (in AA) call "terminal uniqueness." This means that they think nobody has as stressful a job, as stressful a home situation, as stressful finances as they do - and if others would just see that, they would act accordingly. This "terminal uniqueness" is really dysfunctional since everyone has stress and not everyone acts like a demanding angry baby about it. It took me many months in sobriety to realize that, YES I did act like that, and YES I needed to be humbled and stop my bitching and whining and learn how to deal with life. It did not happen in a month's time. More like 6 months to a year before I started changing in that way. It was correlated to me doing the steps also and weekly therapy too.
Hope this info helps. You are not alone. Also - He is not alone. He has AA support and his counselor - Are you finding support for you? Face to face alanon?
Thank you so much for your responses. This board is so helpful. As predicted he woke up early next morning and behaved as if nothing had happened. I made one comment to him saying he didn't behave very nicely last night and it makes me feel confused and upset when he does that then acts completely normal the next day. He said a cursory sorry, and I decided to leave it there. I am wondering whether to contact his counsellor. We did say I could get updates from her. Having read your posts though, and from going to meetings I do know that the best thing I can do is concentrate on me. God that feels weird to say and to do! People at the meetings talk about a veil lifting when you start the steps, and you start to work out and understand how the hell you ended up where you did. I'm just going through that realisation now and looking at my family, particularly my dad. I'm so grateful to the programme.
I like what you said about going to al anon to stay sane. That really rings true to me. I also heard the phrase start raving sober to describe early sobriety. Maybe this is what I am seeing? I just keep worrying it's a sign of potential relapse. I know I shouldn't worry about what I can't control but they are old feelings and behaviours that are hard to shift.
