The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Coming up on Mother's Day was hard for me as I miss my mother a great deal, and her birthday follows it closely on June 11th. So I knew the day would be hard. Not made easier by my aunt (mom's sister), asking me on repeated occasions what I was planning on doing for mom for Mother's Day, and I would have to remind her again that I would not be doing anything as I was not speaking with Mom. Only to have her ask me again once she had forgotten.
On Mother's Day, I was with my boyfriend Eric's family, playing board games. His uncle Jerome, who is an alcoholic and won't or can't admit it, was there as well. And once I smelled the alcohol on him and on his breath, my fight-or-flight reaction kicked in. I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to hurt Jerome's feelings. Unlike my mother, Jerome is not an abusive drunk, just a sloppy one. So my reaction was not because I consciously thought Jerome would hurt me in the least. But I have very strong associations for that smell on someone's breath meaning that I'm about to be abused, usually verbally, and that it means my trust was broken once again.
By the time Jerome left, my heart was pounding, and my hands were shaking, and sitting next to him, I couldn't help but flinch away from him every time he spoke. I tried to hide it and I don't think he noticed.
Once Eric took Jerome home, I went to pet my cats and cried bitterly on them (which they were rather nonplussed about). Then when Eric returned, I told him what had happened and then cried on him some more.
The whole thing really brought home to me how little I have dealt with my pain and grief over mom, and how much my own abuse at her hands is still affecting me.
Hugs. Remember that there is no obligation to stay around Jerome if it's uncomfortable. You can do other good things for yourself on Mother's Day or any day.
I can't say I could be around many people on a major holiday. For me Christmas and other triggering events are times to be on my own, thoughtful, careful and insulated. I am pretty fragile on certain dates. I have learned not to expect much from other people around those times.
Fresh grief brings up a lot of stuff. For me when my mother died there was an upsurge of all the grief, anger and sadness I had about her. I had already worked on that. I had to renegotiate it.
Sometimes we are so mean to ourselves in the hurry up mode. I don't know that I will ever heal from my mother's handiwork. I do know I get better. When I was in the impatient hurry up and heal mode I made myself much worse.
My pets are pertty used to me being very open about where I am at. They are also used to getting the very best. My pets get the best food, the best bathes the best love the best care any animal could have. I am pretty intimate with them about what's going on with me but I am also far more present to them than I've ever been. They are not neglected (they were by the ex A) they are not privy to big fights and arguments. They are not at risk of being abused. I think our pets can understand perfectly that there are times when their mothers are not their best. They get to have the best more than any other animal would or could.
Not made easier by my aunt (mom's sister), asking me on repeated occasions what I was planning on doing for mom for Mother's Day, and I would have to remind her again that I would not be doing anything as I was not speaking with Mom. Only to have her ask me again once she had forgotten. 
