The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know for me, my dis-ease was easily triggered by his dis-ease, I absolutely needed the tools of al-anon. I was exactly where you are, my world felt like it was crashing down around me and I was terribly frightened and overwhelmed. They told me it was NOT a good time to be making any decisions, today is not the day.
I began going to 3 meetings/week, I got a sponsor, started living the steps.... only then, was I able to become calm with the reality of things. Only then was I able to make any calm decision.
When I am trusting to my Higher power, I am calm. If I am making a quick decision based on fear, anger or revenge, it is NOT guidance from Higher power. I've made a lot of poor decisions that way in my life and don't wanna do that anymore.
My suggestion is to continue the meetings for now, observe who is actively working this program, who has what you want, then get a sponsor. For me, the decision to end my marriage was a monumental decision, not to be taken lightly. I didn't even want to do it without the wisdom and guidance of my sponsor and my Higher power.
Get quiet, get still. Allow yourself time to develop a personal relationship with Higher power and you will become strong and confident one day at a time. I found that the decision just arrived on its own, easily and peacefully, no stress or strain.
Just stay in the day, doing the next right thing in front of you, even if it's just washing a sink-full of dirty dishes. Keep it simple, really simple, my friend. It's going to be okay ((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 16th of May 2012 02:06:08 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Last night I attended my 2nd face to face meeting this week. The topic was "taking risks." It was amazing to hear some of the wisdom from the speaker. To avoid taking (informed) risks is to live in one's fear.
As some of you know, I am currently at a very significant and challenging crossroads in my life. My AH is still not living at home, as I asked, and not contacting me (other than topics related to my daughter). He is supposedly "working" on himself - when he asked what I needed from him, I said space and anger managment. My challenge is that I don't know what he is doing for "help" (i.e. his mother seems to enjoy assuming the role of his counselor, I fear that she may simply be dragging him to church to cultivate his faith). The proof, I suppose, would be in the pudding - so to speak.
I need to work on detachment. I am trying. I am willing. However, I find that my thoughts are often with him - whether or not he might really do the work, whether or not I should divorce him, what might happen after, my fears of what he might do if I file for divorce; my fears about what might happen, if I stay in the relationship.
I find that I am merely able to survive right now. Is this ok? I get anxious thinking of all the things I'm not anticipating: putting the garbage out on sundays, weekly cleaning, finding a school for my daughter in 3 years, taking down the storm windows and putting up the screens (I can't even find them, we are roasting in the house), mowing the lawn, having to pay rent in the future. I find so many reasons to be afraid.
All I want to do right now is work on myself, work on my serentity, and consistency in my life and my daughter's life. How do I do this?
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
You do this by continuing to do exactly what you are doing. You set boundaries, you say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. You take time to find out what you DO want.
I have said recently that it takes a LOT of time and many baby steps to find the faith in ourselves and in our HP's to move forward. All I can tell you is based upon my experience that you will know when you are ready. It is not something that is forced, and all you need to do is the footwork .. God (HP) takes care of the rest.
What I can also share is that if nothing changes, .. nothing changes .. you will know if nothing has changed for him by how much has changed for you. I just truly encourage you to take those courageous steps to continue to find support, continue to believe in your HP and continue to believe in yourself (I'm coming from a stand point of you are currently rebuilding yourself, self esteem, self worth and so on).
You just do it all one day at a time and there are days it is literally one min at a time. Keep coming back you are worth the work!!
Hugs P :)
PS - It doesn't matter what he is or is not doing in his own "program of recovery", it only matters what you are doing or not doing.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You can figure out the stuff about the screens, the garbage, and the school one thing at a time. In a while it will be second nature. Then you will feel very powerful -- if it's anything like my experience. You can choose to be with someone or not be with them based on their emotional health, not based on whether they will put up screens. That's true freedom to take care of yourself. Don't think it all out ahead of time -- it's too overwhelming, like trying to plan the rest of your life all in one day. Just one step at a time. That's all that's needed. A good support network at your meeting will also be a great resource.
Fact is you will wind up doing that list of things on your own anyhow even if he's there. Add to that list a drunk screaming emotionally abusive husband. It seems overwhelming, but I found I was able to accomplish way more things in life on my own than I ever thought I would be able to do with the support of someone who was not only incapable of supporting me but who also demanding unrealistic amounts of support and who was a huge distraction from my life goals. In other words, I had a mind block that I couldn't do all these things "on my own." I failed to see I was already doing most of them on my own AND I was doing them WHILE dragging around an unhelpful distraction (my EX-A).
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 17th of May 2012 01:29:28 PM
Of course this is ok. This is your journey. When I was separated from my spouse I would suffer terrible anxiety because I didn't know what I wanted to do. My counselor would tell me "it's ok not to know, it's ok to just be... you will know what you need to do when you are ready." The anxiety kept coming from me trying to force a decision or feeling like I had to make a decision based on someone else (my H) pushing me to make a decision. I know that for me that I had a very very difficult time knowing it was ok to not have an answer and it was OK to be unsure. I really wish I had listened more to that advice and taken the time to listen to me instead of my anxiety. Things may have turned out differently.
-- Edited by amills4294 on Thursday 17th of May 2012 02:17:24 PM
What If ? Is a big roadblock for my recovery , I cannot predict what another person may or may not do but I can start making plans for my future regardless of what they do .. I have a wise friend who says , worry is like a rocking chair , it gives you something to do but gets you no where Also a saying in our program , if you Pray Why worry , If you worry Why Pray .. for some reason that stuck with me . Another saying I love is DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE GOD LAUGH ? TELL HIM YOUR PLANS FOR THE DAY . gotta love it .
I try to remember this when I find myself focusing on the other person (which for me is any one of these: my kids, my ex, my RBF) - if I am focusing on the other person and worrying about what they are doing or not doing, I am avoiding looking at myself and what I need to do.
I caught myself this morning. My RBF had a pattern of staying up late and having bad sleep cycles. He's been doing a lot better and doing it because he wants to. Last night I noticed (we do not live together) that he was up late online because of how Facebook tracks things with time. My first was to worry about him because bad sleep patterns can become a cycle. Then I started to worry and then I caught it and I checked myself.
He's going to do what he wants to do. He's a grown up and I can't be checking on him. So what I needed to work on with me is the tendency to want to be in control, co-dependence, parent him, whatever you want to call it. I have to stop as soon as I see myself doing that because there is always the flip side - meaning it's a red flag that we are ignoring "our stuff". The things we need to change in ourselves.
I had these types of fears as my AH moved out last August and they can be very real and somewhat mentally exhausting to worry about. My big one was shoveling the driveway every morning to get the car out while getting my daughter ready for school and getting ready for work at the same time. I envisioned having to wake up at 5AM every day....Guess what--it only snowed enough to need shoveling ONCE ALL WINTER And the time I did have to do it, I felt awesome afterwards. Same with mowing my lawn, kissing boo-boos, making a nice dinner for myself, and taking out the garbage every week. And I am grateful every time I lay down at night getting through days happy--w/o the old fear, anxiety, and drama--and that is when I pray some more because I am so grateful.
HUGS and best wishes for peace. There is a whole different world out there...
I was incredibly dependent on the ex A. I felt that was the way to feel loved. In the end I moved out and have lived on m own for 5 years. In the beginning I felt lost and angry and sad and actually didn't want to do all I could to move on. Now I am pretty resilient there are things I don't get to but for the most part I don't long for any one to help me.
Also a saying in our program , if you Pray Why worry , If you worry Why Pray .. for some reason that stuck with me . Another saying I love is DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE GOD LAUGH ? TELL HIM YOUR PLANS FOR THE DAY . gotta love it . 
And the time I did have to do it, I felt awesome afterwards. Same with mowing my lawn, kissing boo-boos, making a nice dinner for myself, and taking out the garbage every week. And I am grateful every time I lay down at night getting through days happy--w/o the old fear, anxiety, and drama--and that is when I pray some more because I am so grateful.