Suiting up and Showing up - Al-Anon Family Group

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Suiting up and Showing up

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

UGH, isn't that the hardest part? Hoping that they will just do it (whatever it may be) for the kids, and then waiting and wondering if they will just do it. Immaturity is a HUGE part of what I see in my A, like he just stopped maturing at age 17. Throw in a few mental illness issues and it's quite a bundle. I'm just so glad that Al Anon came along to remove my blinders and I see that, by the way you talk, that your blinders have been removed too. Just keep doing what you're doing! Sending you tons of hugs and support this week!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm truly not sitting around boo hooing all over the place because I do not feel sorry for myself .. for the kids yes, for me not so much .. lol. Hey I'm a grown up and I gotta be responsible for my own choices. I also made a decision to have children with this guy. At the time I thought I loved him and it seemed like a good idea .. well .. lol .. hmm .. now I'm thinking not so fun.

I love my kids .. sooo .. I don't get to say darn it .. I shouldn't have done that .. these kids are awesome and I love them dearly. So if I get nothing else out of this relationship .. I did receive some priceless gifts .. I got my kids, I got alanon, I found this board, I'm finding me, I've made amazing friends, and I'm letting go of the past. It was not wasted time for me .. it was needed time for God to reveal to me His plan (sorry Jerry .. God's a boy for me, .. LOL! :)P), as I've been a little stubborn on getting here. I often wonder if God is shaking His head at me saying honey, .. it doesn't have to be this hard. I understand if that's your choice. It really doesn't have to be this hard though, so how about you keep that in mind .. lol.

Seriously?! A van belt .. you gotta be kidding me .. it's not the real issue here, .. it just is what it is and the non issue is the van belt. The real issue is not for me to fix it's only for me to learn to cope with .. I'm grateful I don't have to fix that issue.

Hugs P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

That is so sad isn't it? Their own kids are not a priority at all. In fact as I often say, they cannot even take care of a plant.

I know what you mean, after all we are married. LIke that is suppose to mean something. But sadly most the time it doesn't.

My experience is, I gave up and give up. I do everything and did everything myself. Was lots less stressful than trying to deal with an irrisponsible kid in an adults body. NO thank you.

In fact for many years I said,"no I don't want to remarry, I don't need another kid to raise." again sad.

You have a very good attitude, I wonder when you will choose to stop hitting your head against that brick wall though? When you are ready, you will.

Its hard to face as we love our kiddos so much and would do anything for them, we will figure it out. And he cannot even keep track of a two by three inch piece of plastic which I am sure he carries in his wallet.

sigh.love,debilyn

amills4294 · Senior Member

Pushka - thinking of you - you sound like you are doing great even with the difficulties your AH is putting in your way. Great job. That was one thing I was fortunate about when we were separated - my H did step up when it came to our daughter - but now that he's back home it's been so easy for him to slide back into letting me take care of stuff.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, the van is not fixed yet however it will be for that I am grateful. I am soooo blessed in my life, .. truly blessed to have people who care about me and the kids. It really must have bugged the crap out of him to know while I asked for help I didn't need his. I did have my AH run me around town this AM run some errands. Yes, he did suit up and show up for the kids. OMGosh like pulling teeth though. It really shouldn't be that hard AND the whole issue that he just can't help himself. 7am he's at my door .. I laughed .. 8 years .. same school starts at 830am .. he doesn't know this information. How is that possible? Well .. that's the mind of a person who is not rational.

Deb, I don't know at what point I will stop hitting my head against the wall .. when I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired I"ll do something different? I actually asked him about the drinking ... UGH .. I KNOW better!! I also realized in that moment that I was very stressed at the time, hungry and frustrated .. it was/is very stressful being around him. At the same time I'm glad he had the opportunity to suit up and show up .. we both got to say somethings that needed to be said and at least we know now where we stand. He took the kids early today which was a nice change of pace for them. I think my youngest was a little thrown off though. He had a rough time leaving.

His thought process is just so screwed up at the moment .. it's sad to watch. Some of the stuff he wants me to make an immediate decision on I look at him and go .. ummm .. noooo .. I don't think so .. he always looks so shocked when I refuse to make a snap decision. There are 4 - 5 things he's very much not happy that I've told him no I'm not making those choices at the moment.

Again I know he's drinking and that was just stupid on my part to even bring that up. It reminds me once again .. that I have a long ways to go in my own healing and mental health. He has stepped up .. you can tell when he's just so overwhelmed by simple decisions that he just goes literally like a pinball machine .. there is no logic and there is no thought process. At least he's not missed a day with the kids on his days of visitation. I do not rely on him for obvious reasons to step up when it's not his day. If it's not his day he has said .. not his issue. Soooo .. that's fine .. not his issue, then it is my issue and I will take the kids where I see fit to someone I CAN rely upon.

He's very lucky I am not working this summer .. he doesn't seem to get that it's going to cost big dollars that he will have to cover for child care. He's fully not understanding that the burden of that cost will be on him.

Anyway, .. very very interesting to watch him in action. My yard is mowed woo hoo!! LOL .. I did the weed eating and that was nice.

Hugs P :)

amills4294 · Senior Member

P - sounds like you are doing very well. It is frustrating when others push you for a decision and can't accept that you're not ready to make one. My H did and does that a lot. I didn't deal with it well initially - felt guilty that I didn't respond right away and would torture myself. I got better about it though. You are working a wonderful program!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

LOL .. I figured after the drama of yesterday which I did pretty good, had a couple of moments of going places I shouldn't the drinking was a big one. At least I caught myself, redirect my line of speaking and moved on.

The van is fixed and I'm grateful for the friends and family I have. It reminded me I can ask other people however I will continue to ask my spouse first as he IS the father of the kids and he needs to suit up and show up for what he can handle.

Granted it may not be much, at least it is something.

He asked many times if someone was coming out to fix the van and I said yes. He never asked for more details and I never volunteered any either. I was so glad he spent the afternoon with the kids. He picked them up from school and headed out for lunch. It was really good for them. He won't see them again for that kind of time until next Thursday, and his weekend. I felt really bad for him though .. seriously i do feel sorry for him. He won't call them, .. it's their job to call him. So in many ways he's distancing himself and he's admitted to that verbally.

I talked a bit about what we were doing this weekend I'm hoping it will motivate him to DO something with the kids outside of sit in his house and watch movies. It sounds like it worked a bit for him .. they had a nice lunch together as well as just kind of hung out. I'm grateful for these moments the kids will remember.

Last night I slept terribly .. gak .. I had awful nightmares it's ok .. I don't think it was techno color those are the dreams that bother me more.

Anyway, .. tonight is another opportunity for sleep so I hope it goes better. Tomorrow I'm taking the kids to our little airport and they will get to fly in a little plane. It's something they do kind of as a summer start deal.

thank you for all of the support I don't think it would have gone as smoothly yesterday if I hadn't had MIP to come to and just be.

Hugs P :)

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