The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I went and saw a therapist today. She was great, very knowledgable regarding addiction and codependency. Problem is that she is booked straight for the next 3-4 weeks. She did say she will help me find someone if I give her a list of the therapist that take my insurance.
After the therapy session, my AH called and asked if he could come pick up our daughter and take her to the park. I said yes as long as he didnt come to the house. He got her up from Daycare (after I called and let the daycare know) The park is really close to our house and the daycare...so he walked with her there.
As soon as I get home, he calls and says our daughter has to go to the bathroom, so he waits at the park and I bring her to the bathroom and then take her back to him at the park. He then starts talking, talking, talking...
First of course how sorry he is and that he hasnt smoked pot in a week. Second how he is trying to find a job but he isnt getting any calls back. Third how is he going to live without any money. I told him he would need to figure that out on his own.
He says he doesnt want to have to see a lawyer and that we need to deal with this as adults. He asked me what he was going to do for money. I told him that there is 200.00 in the bank, but that is all I have and cant do anything else.
Do I have a financial obligation to him because we are married? He hasnt worked for 5 years. He is sure that a lawyer will tell me that I have to support him until he can support himself...I just dont know if that is true.
I really have no idea what my legal obligation is to him in regards to money...I am so torn and have no clue...
Whenever he talks to me I feel like he is trying to manipulate me...I just cannot talk to him!!! It drives me crazy!
He was supposed to spend time with our daughter, but instead he cried and talked about our problems and kept asking what it would take to get back in the house. So disappointing.
I am proud of myself for being so strong this time! I told him my boundaries and requested he respect them. He says he will....only time will tell.
Thanks for being here. Any ESH is greatly appreciated!!
-- Edited by dragonflys on Wednesday 16th of May 2012 10:31:12 PM
I would get some advice from an attorney in your state.
Many (i daresay most) will give you an initial consultation for free, or you can go through legal aid. If you call your local courthouse, they can direct you on no-cost options.
www.legal.justanswer.com might also be of some help if your question is brief and straightforward. A lawyer from your state should be able to answer you for free via email.
Good luck.
__________________
Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha dragonflys and good program commitment. Yeppers it sounds like he is trying to manipulate you and set you up and then that is all he knows how to do. It is what he's been working at for the five years not being employed by anyone else only now things have changed...he's being fired or laid of from this job too!! Cool he gets to go manipulate himself with his wants and needs. Might be a bottom and God might be down there waiting for him. You get to do your research on what is available to/for you and make goals for yourself and your daughter. No it doesn't have to get ugly as long as you have other choices. We do play a part and I had to learn that those are alternatives depending on how I wanted things to come out for me. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
It will only be ugly to the extent that his disease is ugly and it has robbed him of even the idea that he can function as a full human being who works and takes care of their responsibilities. You don't even need to listen to his sickness speak. Consider walking away when he gets to whining about things that normal adults have to do every day.
Talk to an attorney in your State. I live in CA and the rules here (and even these rules get bent) are that after 10 years, IF you were already supporting him for an extended period of time, yes they will award him spousal support. If he's capable of working though, they will give him a little time to get a job, then place a "seek work order" on him which eventually will allow them to reduce or remove the support you were awarded.
Only if you were the primary earner for the duration of the marraige, and he was the "stay at home parent" in CA would there be consideration for lifetime spousal support.
In CA, I pay child support, I have 60% custody. It's done differently now and the "difference" in incomes allows for this. But CA is not every state and I've seen them go against even these. But he might be saying don't get a lawyer, and you may not HAVE to, however if he is looking to get spousal support, it may be worth it because if you go in and don't know how do handle the process, mistakes get made often times.
Also most family court systems have a self help area you can go wait in line and sit with someone who will help you for free. That would be the second recommendation after at least a consulation with a lawyer.
Seems to me the "adult" thing to do is definitely talk with an attorney about the situation. Will be good to know for yourself what the law sees are your responsibilities, if any.
I am in Cali but we have only been married for 6 years. I have phone numbers for attorneys that were recommended by friends. I just need to make the call.
He is going to drive 700 miles to stay with his family. He has enough money in our joint bank account to get there. But I told hIm after that money's gone, I can't give him any more and the joint account will be closed.
It's been a crazy ride for sure, but every day is getting easier.
I have no clue what the next days, weeks, or months will bring, but I am trusting my HP will take care of us.
