Not sure how to handle situations like this. - Al-Anon Family Group

TryingToChange · Veteran Member

Not sure how to handle situations like this.

sookie · Senior Member

I don't think so. It seems like you set a boundary and stuck to it. When I am in these situations where guilt or doubt creeps in I ask, do I regret what I did? If you don't regret it, then likely it is OK. If you decide you should have handled it differently, then when he is sober you can talk about it. But to me, it sounds like you handled it well.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

When I am unsure of what to say or do, I look at my motivation and that often helps me come to a decision. You canceled the dinner not as punishment to your husband for drinking- which would have been controlling, but to keep your serenity by not having to be around and deal with him and his co-worker when they had been drinking-which is practicing self care. For what it's worth, I think you had every right to cancel the dinner.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not sure if you have read the book Getting Them Sober, Toby Rice Drew (Toby Drew Rice .. lol .. I get a little confused by the last name deal). It helps with setting boundaries as well as understanding what my own motives are in a situation which as someone else pointed out is a great way to decide if what you are doing is controlling or if it's what I call a clean decision.

If you have serenity now, if you are good with your decision then it's a good solid choice for you. It sounds like you set a boundary and stuck to it. Now it's time to let it go and let God.

Hugs P :)

TryingToChange · Veteran Member

Thank you all for the responses. I do feel like it gave me serenity. I definitely didn't want to put up with two drunks tonight. I'll tell my husband tomorrow that we can do the dinner tomorrow night if he wants as long as they are sober.

I think the part that bothered me most was that he hung up on me like I did something wrong. Oh well. I'm over it.

You all are the best!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember that an alcoholic is not a sound judge of whether you worked your program. And a drunk alcoholic, even less so. The question they're always subtly asking is "Can I drink and get away with it as if nothing is wrong?" If the answer is "No," then they get upset. That's what happened in your phone call, sounds to me. So his hanging up on you is a sign of nothing except that he's a drinking alcoholic.

And if someone does have a legitimate problem with something, is hanging up on someone the healthy way to deal with it? He's exposing his sickness at every turn, sounds to me.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Mattie. It's disturbing that his alcoholism has it so you cannot take his "promises" as his word. He will always break them and go back to drinking as long as he is not in recovery. Willpower is not strong enough to stay sober - nor is doing it for your wife/girlfriend- The majority of people need a pretty serious and drastic life change that typically includes going to lots of meetings, getting a sponsor, doing stepwork....Until then you will hear "I'm going to quit!" and then see a couple days or maybe even more of abstinece, but it will most likely be a merry go round of relapse until he really commits to sobriety.

So what do you do with this info? Lower your expectations and figure out what are you going to do since he's not likely going to change unless you see some radical commitment to recovery on his part. Alanon can help you lots.

TryingToChange · Veteran Member

Thanks Mattie. I agree. He just doesn't seem to know what to do now that I'm not responding the way he's used to me responding. It seems the more serenity I get, the more he is thrown off his game. I am turning it all over to my HP and I REFUSE to play the victim, the manipulator or the angry controller anymore. He can do as he pleases, but I am going to do (with God's help) what I need to do for inner peace and to take care of myself.

TryingToChange · Veteran Member

Pinkchip, you are so right. At this point, the only expectation I have anymore is that he will continue to drink until he gets help. I have fallen for the "I'm going to quit" routine for the last time. I don't need the disappointment and heartache. I will support him if he chooses to get help, but I will not set myself up for a let down.

Jadie · Veteran Member

You've had great responses and I just want to add I think you did great with your boundary. Applying boundaries uses a lot of emotional energy in the beginning but it gets easier especially when you begin to see the positive effects. A's don't like it when the status quo is rocked & will persistently quack, quack, quack about it yawn

Remember JADE.....no need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.

Keep on keeping on.

In support

Jadie x

P.S. Think you should change your 'name' Your not 'Trying to Change' in my eyes you are already changing smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Whether he drinks or not is none of our business.

But I sure believe in the boundary that if you choose to drink, I will not be cooking. Not for punishment, but you choose not to be around him drunk.

They lie, that is part of it.

His hanging up is plain rude. But again that is his problem.

He wanted to have his drink and have his dinner made for him too. Typical A behavior.

So what are you going to do? We learn to live with it using
Al Anon skills, and accept him as is.

We go nuts trying to fight it. or we end the relationship.

What time is dinner usually? To call should have been no problem if it was not an A. But he is.

So I guess I would let him know a boundary is, if you drink that is your choice, but I won't be cooking for you.

Then no argument, I would not respond.

We are not their parent, he chose to break his word. His problem. We learn to accept this behavior, that is what A's do.

Its sad as really to live with an A we almost have to have our own separate life. If he is in it sometimes good. if not we do our own thing.

Myself all I did was enjoy his company when he was there. just loved him. That time is precious as now he has been gone many years.

sending you hugs,hey I woulda loved to come to dinner,woulda came early and brought you cheesecake!

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

I was just meditating for a long while and then came on here and this was the first one I clicked on. I don't have anymore ESH that has not already been said.. but I feel a need to tell you to keep coming back because al-anon truly does work.. if you work it.. also that whatever you believe to be your HP that you can rely on your HP.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.