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I think a HUGE part of the problem in communicating with my separated AH is that we do not really understand each other's expectations. He talks about trying to make it work again and his lease is up in 3 months. I feel like I need to decide...it will have been a year of him living in an apartment. We have kept this whole sitation a SECRET from our kids which is not only hard, but emotionally draining. We are definitely not intimate anymore, but I do love him.
My question is this, does it seem reasonable to ask him (and I will do it too) to write out a list of what we think we need from the other in terms of our relationship and our own recoveries? I know for me to feel comfortable, he needs to make ammends with my Mom for example. He hasn't spoken to her in 18 months and it ended badly. That may be something he is not willing to do. But we do not really KNOW what the other wants or requires to move forward.
I feel like, just doing this for myself would be healing. Some times I am not even sure what I expect--so why am I angry at him if he doesn't do the 'right thing'. Not sure if he will do it...
What would happen if you wrote down what you expected from your recovery and he writes down what he expects from his recovery and start the conversation from there? I don't know if that would at least get the ball rolling ?? I would do it with an impartial third party though just because it will help keep you guys on track and open the door for more communication. They could listen to how you both communicate with each other and give some pointers.
Just a suggestion I wish it was something my AH and I could have done together. Neither of us were on the same page at that point and time.
Hugs P :)
PS - working the steps with your sponsor will help you with some of that anger and help address some additional communication issues.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Well--I would not go as far as to say we are on the same page in any way shape or form either! And he may not be willing to do this. Interesting idea...i don't know if we are ready to have a counselor guide us through it. He feels so shameful of his past actions, but maybe that could work. I just know I need to do something to help me make a decision, because when we do try to talk we end up saying the same thing to each other "you don't know how hard this is for me" Thanks for the feedback.
I meant to add to my original post which is this .. first off my AH and I did not pick each other by accident, .. second off, neither of us have the tools to effectively communicate and be emotionally intimate. So for us to try and address our marriage together with our own broken tools was a train wreck waiting to happen and it was a double head on collision.
If he's got a sponsor he should be address his guilt, shame and all of that through the steps of AA. Sorry I forget if he's going to meetings or not, that is soooo key for an A. It's just as important for him to have a sponsor as it is for you. You both need that place to go and be accepted and say the negative tapes and have someone just accept you as you are. (you being both of you)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
He does not have a sponsor--he has a counselor and a psychiatrist but he does go to meetings every week and does hang out with several people in the program. But i am pretty sure he relapsed just a few weeks ago--I didn't ask and he didn't tell. This brings up questions about my own expectations (boundaries). I am really not even sure what I am open to at this point. Ooof. I probably need to just write things out for myself, see where it goes, and then see if he is willing to do the same.
Expectations are a killer for me and are always a set up for dissapointment , so I try not to have them . Ask for what you need , my husb and I separated for a few months along time ago when we decided to try again , him in AA me in my program - Fidelity , Honesty, Loyalty. If I cant have what I am willing to give in a relationship then its a done deal . *jst my opinion here but his making amends to your mother is between the two of them , you can still have a relationship with your mother , if he is in a program he will make his amends in his own time *
Short on time, skipped over the other ESH but I'm sure you got good information. Two things smacked me upside the head in your post.
He doesn't live there but this is a "secret" from your kids. Think that through because I've got 3 kids between 8 and 16 - and there is no WAY i could pull that off with them.
Secondly - a letter of what "you expect from each other for recovery". There's that expectation thing. How about a letter from each of you on your PLAN for recovery that you are already engaged in so you know? My RBF before he got out of rehab last month sat me down and said "my plan is 1 meeting every day for 90 days, then at least 3-4 a week after". And a few other things but he did not ask my permission nor ask me what I wanted him to do. And I'm glad he didn't.
So when he says "I can come over after my meeting" I say "ok". Or if it's too late I say "not tonight". Just an idea for the same result but coming from the no expectations format.
Yes--I agree, expectations is necessarily the word I wanted to use, but couldn't come up with a better phrase (needs? boundaries?)
My Mom and I are great and she is a very spiritual woman--she has no bad feelings towards him and is open, despite watching me go through hell. I feel very blessed for that. It is his shame and guilt keeping him from facing her. I am tired of not being able to have my Mom visit or to go to her house with him for example. It is a huge strain on our family since my two children adore her and she is an active grandma. I feel in my heart, the repair to that damage is necessary for me to move forward, but I know I cannot force it and I feel I have been very patient. She is sacred to me and he has put strain there. I do understand fully this is something he may not be willing to do--and that is something i guess I just need to know.
Sometimes when I used to call "a secret" was actually a boundary. One thing I have always been sensitive about is the need to have my relationship out there.
Do you have the book Getting them Sober. I think that is the best description of what to expect in early sobriety.
For me personally I have to keep turning around all the stuff about what "they" need to do to what I need to do. Personally I can't control another human being.
My AH went to inpatient rehab and then sober living. I thought everything was going well and in the right direction, so I allowed him to come back home after only 45 days clean. Within a few days of him coming home, he started taking perscription pills. Although not his drug of choice, he still was using and stopped going to AA. That was two years ago.
I asked him to leave again last week. He started smoking again and his behaviors were back to where they were before he went to rehab. He never really worked on his own stuff, and to be honest, neither did I. It wasnt enough time for any of us to get well. I look back now and sometimes regret that I wasnt strong enough to say "no" and I wasnt strong enough to say he needed to take care of himself (i was paying for the sober living facility) It really was hard for me to pay for his home and try to take care of mine.
I have two kids, one of which is his (5 year old daughter) the other is not (13 year old son). I am open and honest with both my kids and have told them that dad/step-dad is sick and needs to get help. I told them that mommy is sick too and I am getting help too. I apologized to them for not being there for them when I should have been in the past, and that I am working on being a better mommy. My son is starting therapy as well. He isnt ready for Alteen yet (I think he is afraid that he will see someone he knows there) My son seems much happier that his stepdad is not living with us and I see many positive changes in my daughter in just the last week. My AH was verbally and emotionally abusive to all of us.
I know that the time will come when my AH will want to move back in or try to work things out with us. I feel this will have to be family decision and my kids will have their say. For me, I will have to see the changes and family/marriage counseling will be a must for many months befure he were to move back in with us. I jumped the gun the last time and I dont want to make that same mistake twice.
Have you talked with your sponsor?
This must be such a hard decision for you and I just wanted to share my experience and send hugs and support your way.
