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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Going to see him now
Post Info TOPIC: Going to see him now
katfshh


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Going to see him now
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I'm leaving in about 5 minutes to see AF. He needs some clothes, and I have a meeting at work this afternoon. The place he is at is near my work. It's a recovery home for men that has been running strong on a volunteer basis only for about 60 years. It's a good place for him, they can only stay 10 days there to get sober and figure out what to do next. I think today is day 4. He tried to get me to agree to let him come on home. I said, I think I need you to stay there for the full 10 days, I need some more time. He got mad, agrued and then said, "Fine! How about if I never come home and I got to sober living?!" I said, that's a good idea. He flipped out! (Kinda funny really.) Normally, I would have taken that bait and said, "No, or lets wait a few days and decide, or whatever to indicate that I wanted him back home. But, because I didn't he hung up on me. That was last night. This morning he called and apologized. I am so proud of myself! I love that I am staying true to myself. And not falliing for his crap right now. You all give me strength! Thank you!! xxoo



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Katfshh

~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
canadianguy


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A shining example of both working your program, and willingly/gratefully declining an A's offer to have YOU own his sobriety/recovery, and respectfully handing it back to HIM, where it belongs....

 

If we were handing out grades today, you would get an A+++  :)

 

Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

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sweeetr


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declining an A's offer to have YOU own his sobriety/recovery, and respectfully handing it back to HIM, where it belongs....


wow ... I LIKE THAT....

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 ..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Pushka


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Way to work your own program of recovery Hugs P :)



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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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Good for you! hey remember they apologise as they do not want to lose their connection to you in case they  need something from you. Its all manipulation.

Remember nothing changes if nothing changes. He is still a very sick, insane A. What would make you want to have him home with you? What does he have to offer?

I am so glad you are being strong. He is still walking, talking and being his disease. love,deb



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katfshh


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Thanks!!! I agree. He told me today when I saw him that he WANTS to stay the ten days and go from there. I know he really wants to come home. I'm not ready. I can't decide that today. He was kind and apologetic. I realize that the stronger I am and the more I advocate for myself, the more he commits to what he needs to do. Today is today, and all went well. Thank you all for your help. I know there is so much manipulation with him, but I also know him when he is sober and he is very emotional and sensitive. I think it's hard to know both the sober him an the active him, I love the sober guy, and hate the drunk. Ican see the difference. I think of it as his evil twin. I try to stop and realize which twin is talking. It's crazy.

Just a side note, this week where he is, (non-medicated detox) they had three seizures and a death. =( The death was a guy that had been there getting sober for about 8 days.) =(
This disease kills. It's really scary how it can be fateful.

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Katfshh

~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
pinkchip


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Now that you are detaching some and focusing on you, you are also leaving him to do what's best for him. The sober living might be better for him. AA will state "no major changes within a year" that would include getting married. Building a much more solid AA foundation would seem to be the first thing he needs to do in order to have the rest of his life go back to what he wants. Of course, like a typical alcoholic, he wants the same life back immediately after causing a whirlwind of chaos. He really let you down but more importantly, he let himself down and it should take a substantial amount of time for him to process that and make reasonable amends.

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katfshh


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Exactly! He needs to really work on himself. We ended the night last night with him hanging up on me, because I won't decide RIGHT NOW if I want him back. He called and apologized this morning, at 600 am! Ugh, couldn't have waited til 8? Anyway, I don't know what I want to do, and I am not going to be rushed into it. Our wedding date is May 18th 2013. But, that can be put on hold again, we have changed it before and I may just not pick another date for a few years. I am not in a hurry to have a legal commitment to this drama.

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Katfshh

~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Jadie


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Good work.....thanks for sharing.smile

I find great serenity in keeping my phone switched off until I'm ready to face the day. It would ring at all hours, the A would go on & on & on & then hang up, go back to doing what they were doing and I was left spinning and unable to sleep. I thought I had to keep it switched on and always be available for the next crisis!!confuse

((((hugs))))

Jadie



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Bargee


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Awesome job Katfshh,
you sound like you are doing really well.
Your posts really inspire me as I can relate (somewhat) to what you are going through.
I have tried to change some of my reactions and behaviours, but to be honest I still can't stand my AH right now.
Thank you for being so inspiring

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You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give.
Eleanor Roosevelt
katfshh


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OH Bargee! I can't stand my AF either. I spent today with him and all he did was act like a total micro manager of my life and it was insane. He was such a total jerk. I couldn't wait to take him back to the place he is staying for this 10 day program. I even brought him home so he could trade out some clothes etc. He was lecturing me on how the hose in the back yard wasn't wrapped properly! Then we had to take my car to get a nail out of the tire and he about bit my head off for talking to the tire guy about when the new tire would be in. He said I disrespected him. Are you kidding me right now, he ran off drunk for almost two weeks, left me to handle his business calls, and the house and all the expenses and I disrespected him by talking to the tire guy? It's my car! OK, I'm reliving it. I couldn't wait to drop him back off at his program. I had visions of running him over with my car. I had to get out of there asap. Then he calls and apologized. I didn't answer when he called, but he made it sound urgent, so I called back. When I called back I get a lecture that because I didn't answer his call he wasted 50 cents in the pay phone. ...it's total insanity. He just blew through 1800.00 bucks on hotels and booze and I made him waste 50 cents. ??!!! Ugh.

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Katfshh

~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Bargee


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Why do we stay with them then if we don't like them!!
I sometimes feel like telling my AH how much he disgusts me!!
But then on the other hand I love him to bits.
I love the sober him.
I'm still thinking of leaving.
I just told him that I'm not happy. That I want to be treated like his wife instead of his maid.
He couldn't understand what I meant so I told him.
'I pick up your dirty clothes, I wash, fold and put them away. I clean the house. I cook your tea. You hardly even lift a finger around the house and you often moan that you are too tired to bath our daughter.
What I want is to be treated with respect. For you to stop calling me names and being so f-ing nasty.'

Oh lucky me he has offered to go and buy tea and when I didn't get excited about it he turned around and said 'I'm just trying to be nice.'
Big deal you're going to buy tea. I was thinking more along the lines of having a 'normal' conversation with me, hugging me just for the sake of hugging instead of something more.

Sorry for my rant and if I read back over this is really does sound like I should leave him, but that final decision is just so hard.

I'm going to my first Alanon meeting tonight.

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You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give.
Eleanor Roosevelt
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