Huge fight/now what? - Al-Anon Family Group

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Huge fight/now what?

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I get so frustrated when we fight. I hate silence or feeling like I'm being given the silent treatment and I'm usually the one who starts communicating and trying to make some sort of connection, albeit a surface connection at best. It was a typical fight for us: me getting mad about his passive agressive behavior, tired of feeling like I'm not worth any respect, and him deflecting and diverting and changing the subject, answering direct questions with a question, etc. It's a sick cycle and I shouldn't have said anything yesterday but he crossed too many lines over the past few days and I was tired of having my feelings hurt.

So, now we're at this impasse. He won't talk to me because 'I can't handle him' and I can't take it because I'm too sensitive. We aren't speaking to each other and it's driving me batty. He works from home so I don't get a break during the day and it's like there's an uncomfortable feeling over the house. He says I'm the one who makes him uncomfortable because I'm too sensitive and he's afraid to say anything around here anymore because I'll just break down or something. Blech, so not true. He seriously doesn't know how to just be nice and pleasant and friendly, except when he's talking to work associates or customers. I swear I wish I was a customer because he'd handle me so much better, LOL.

I have my therapist tomorrow. I recorded our conversation from yesterday so she can hear the insanity and help me figure out how to avoid these situations in the future. I mean, he actually had the nerve to say that all people are stupid except himself. He gets sentenced for his DUI this week, I guess that doesn't count as stupid. UGH!

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

That last sentence says it all " he gets sentenced this week for his DUI". He's an alcoholic, naturally he makes no sense.

All you can do is work your program and work on yourself. Whenever I point my finger outside myself I get into trouble.

There's no making any logic until he is abstinent and still there is more time till he eventually figures it all out. Meantime, we work our steps, we meditate, we talk to our higher power. It really is a release to not want to control another person but ourselves.

My best to you, Luv, Bettina

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Bettina! So glad to see you back, too! Well, technically he's not drinking anymore so he is abstinent but that's where it ends. I honestly feel like I'm living with a crazy irrational person. I never knew what insanity was until I married him.

Too hard · Senior Member

ilovedogs wrote:
I hate silence or feeling like I'm being given the silent treatment and I'm usually the one who starts communicating and trying to make some sort of connection, albeit a surface connection at best.

My experience ....and in much of the reading I have done...is that this is a cycle of most relationships;

Verbal or physical fight, then withdrawal and silence.

Then attempt by one to 'connect' again....by action of kindness ie getting the other a cup of coffee.

Then intimacy or at least normality.

However, if I am always the one who attempts to close the gap, because I feel uncomfortable, without issues being resolved ever....why would anything change?

My then 14yr old son, gave me a sticker once which stated;

'If you always do what you have always done,

You will always get what you always got.'

Every good wish. T.H.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We don't have to fight or argue. Mine pulled the same bs as far as me bein sensitive.

we can say, you might be right. then walk away. not like we want to win or anything.

He is a raving alcoholic, he is insane, so what makes anyone think he could be rational? he is only a fruitcake with out the nuts. He is very very sick.

only thing he is not doing is drinking as far as you know.

stark raving sober. WE don't get drawn in to his insanity. Why bother, does no good, does not get us anywhere.

He is sick, when we engage it makes us sick as it is all for not!!!! Like arguing with a parrot. useless.

What he says does not matter. We seem to forget the damage they have to their insides. he surely has some brain damage. he does believe what he is saying.

what makes you engage??? What do you get out of it.

Now you have a cold war going. he may even be manipulating you becuz he does not want to talk.

It does not matter what was said during the fight. not one bit. its all insanity.

What matters is what makes us want to be part of it?

Another person cannot dictate to us if we do not listen or engage.

you are fine just how you are. most A's resent that.

hope this helps ya some. When I learned to not engage in a very easy way, i was able to live with my AH a bit longer. It works. I would leave the room adn say I love you, going to go read. or going to go feed for a walk, brush my horse. make cookies.

Or leave for awhile.

he is burning with insanity, we are not going to put out the fire throwing matches in. We walk away in a friendly way. NOT arguing. a simple wow you might be right works.

you can do this!! love,deb who is glad her insanity is over, but misses her husband, the other one....

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

You don't have to attend every fight you are invited to.

I noticed when I stopped fighting, my AH and I no longer had anything in common.

With a non-alcoholic, you may be able to express your feelings with some sort of resolution or goodwill from the other person. Once I accepted that I was truly dealing with a sick person who was fundamentally incapable of meeting my needs, things became clearer. Your mileage may vary.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Dolly, I think the problem was that I was the one who initiated the fight, LOL. I do have to accept that I'm dealing with a sickness that may or may not be related to alcohol. He fits the profile for personality disorders, verbal abuse, and of course depression and anxiety mental disorders. Basically, he's immature and emotionally unavailable and I have to decide if I can live with this and find my own serenity, or if I believe that he can change one day given the right catalyst(or hitting some sort of 'bottom'), or if I can't live with this and keep waiting for change whether I find my serenity this year or in 5 years, does that make sense? The good news is; I don't have to make a decision today or tomorrow, I can just take life one day at a time and see what God's plan is for me.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

It definitely makes sense. I grappled with the same sort of questions. And I do understand being thoroughly exhausted from biting your tongue and just HAVING to call AH on his behavior. There's a fine line between doormat and explosive crazy person, unfortunately I was never able to figure out how to walk it!

I'll tell you my experience, keeping in mind of course, your journey is your very own.

I was only married about 2 years. The first year was your typical alcoholic marital nightmare. The pleading, worrying, constant anxiety, wanting to believe, arguing, violence, with a few weeks of genuine good times here and there. I left him twice that first year. And it helped a lot that he was deployed for many months...I had my breathing space and time to settle my aching head.

The second year I started Al Anon and learning a lot about the disease, mine and his. I faltered a lot, but I began focusing on taking care of myself. It was so hard. Obsessing about the marriage, what will I do if we split up, where will I go, etc. was never far from my mind. I was also desperately seeking employment so that I would have one less worry about supporting myself. This was a big reason why I stayed in the marriage.

So I held on for another year, left him 2 more times. That summer, I packed up and moved cross country for a few months. Just being away from him, the world stopped spinning and I could think again. I started to feel like myself. I was still worrying about money and supporting myself, but I could sleep at night.

We were still communicating, he was so sorry, he was going to get help and go through the military's alcohol treatment program. It was on this promise that I decided to give the marriage another chance and I moved back, another cross country journey. (New Mexico is gorgeous!)

He never went to treatment, never went to AA. The crisis was over, as in, there was no more domestic violence type stuff, but the sickness was still there. I felt a hundred times healthier and I guess I just had no time for the insane arguments and drunken logic. I stopped trying to control him or manage his drinking. Left to his own devices, he of course drank. I learned to expect nothing from him and came to look on the times he was drunk as just this void...totally vacant time, he was not *there* if that makes sense. And then with the hangover periods of him laying on the sofa all day watching TV...well, that was the majority of it. When he wasn't drunk and we were out trying to have fun together, I found there was such a gulf between us...we had nothing in common. I was getting healthy, putting a lot of time in with my HP, working towards my goals in life, etc. and while I had forgiven my husband and didn't hold bitterness towards him...I found we just didn't have much of a relationship outside of the arguments and drama.

I thought a lot about if I could stay with him of he did indeed get sober, or dedicate himself to recovery. I really meditated on this and visualized what it would feel like. But honestly, by that time so much ugliness had happened between us and I realized that I no longer trusted or respected him...and I didn't think I ever could again. I loved him and wished him well and all that...but I just knew I could never look at him again with the devotion and love that a wife should have for her husband. I simply did not believe a word that came out of his mouth anymore, not in an angry defensive way, but just as a matter of fact. And I really had to respect the effect living with him was taking on me, despite working the best Al Anon program I could...living with him was killing me, killing my spirit. I've read stories of people who kept their serenity while living in POW camps...I knew peace was possible in any circumstance, but that doesn't mean we volunteer for that kind of life. Yes, I could probably find a way to live with him through the help of Al Anon and all that, but I knew I wanted and deserved a partner who was able to emotionally support me and love me the way I did him. Someone who was fully present. I was tired of being the only one fighting for the marriage, reading the books, doing the work, and finding no way forward. It was fruitless. It was over.

This was incredibly sad and inconvenient, but it was the truth. And I knew I had to accept it. As soon as I did, the world opened up to me and I have opportunities and blessings like you wouldn't believe. I am attracting amazing new friends in my life, I am living on the beach, I have NO anxiety or worry, and I am so happy it's disgusting. I think of my AH from time to time, but I honestly do not miss living with him. I miss his spark and personality sometimes, but when I think about the rest of it...I know I made the right decision for me.

What I'm trying to say is that I understand the internal struggle of deciding what to do. It took me leaving many times before I was really ready to leave for good. In the end, I could not place my own life and peace and serenity on some vague possibility that he would find recovery. I had to really look at reality, accept my own limitations and what I was able to live with, what I wanted for my own life. I still hope very much that he recovers someday and finds as much peace and happiness as possible in one lifetime. But I'm no longer waiting and holding my breath for that to happen. The cost was too high for me.

Maybe this helps you, maybe not. Thanks for listening!

-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Tuesday 15th of May 2012 12:19:47 PM

edited cause I can't spell

-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Tuesday 15th of May 2012 12:22:15 PM

-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Tuesday 15th of May 2012 12:23:25 PM

sookie · Senior Member

wow--Thanks Dolly llama for sharing your story. Inspiring and hopeful. You verbalized so many things I have been stuffing because maybe I am not ready to accept I need to end it for good. This is great, honest ESH. Thanks.

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