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Had another one of those A-Ha moments yesterday, courtesy of my Al Anon tools.
I have been feeling better about myself lately in terms of letting go of a lot of the expectations I have of my AH. I no longer get upset that he does nothing to help around the house, even when I ask. I no longer take it personally and get upset that he never chooses to spend time with me. I don't expect help around the house anymore. I don't expect to be hugged, or for him to make an effort to be with me. And I am so, so proud of that progress.
Then I realized yesterday that even when I feel like I have a handle on the whole expectations thing, a totally different area/issue comes up, and I have to re-learn the "no expectations" thing all over again. There has not been an occasion for my AH to celebrate a me-centric holiday with me in over six months (birthday and anniversary were late last summer). So sure enough, when I got a card, and nothing else, I was upset. Upset that we didn't even go out for inexpensive burgers for dinner on Mother's Day. Upset that he has money for beer and tobacco, but not $10 and 10 minutes to get me a bunch of flowers. And the whole time I was being upset, I KNEW I had set myself up for that. I KNEW that I had not prepared myself mentally for the letdown, and that on some level I was expecting at least a small gift and some "royal treatment" on Mother's Day, because 8 months ago he was marginally nice to me on my birthday and our anniversary. I KNEW that I shouldn't have had those expectations, because his alcoholism has gotten so much worse since then.
So my Mother's Day lesson is that there are going to be other areas and issues where I find out too late that I DO still have expectations, and I have to work through and manage those situations, and learn from them for the future.
Man, the hard work of getting better just never stops. It really IS a journey, not a destination.
Oh yes, and the whole powerlessness issue .. all of this stuff it's all about progress not perfection and we will always have some kind of mini slip to remind us we are still just fragile human beings in the big scheme of things.
You are doing a great job just keep coming back and keep working your program as strongly as you do!! :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Tough call steph...Your expectations are reasonable. I can see that it would help to not expect this from him...but you have some soul searching to do in terms of how much you want those things in a relationship. Those are normal things to want and have "no expectations" for love, kindness, romance....That's not good either. It is a journey though and sending you lots of support while you figure this all out.
I'm in the same boat as you, Steph. I have finally come to realize that any expectation, even reasonable ones, are worthless when dealing with my AH. He's not even drinking but he's so mired in his ego that he can't deal with who he is at all and I just can't expect anything right now. Hugs to you!!! You're doing the best you can!
Mark, you raise a very good point...reasonable, rational expectations. A few months before my mom died, I told her that my AH had started drinking again. I shared with her some of the basics of Al Anon (which I had been doing for about two years before that, in what I hope was a non-obtrusive way), and described how they had helped me. I mentioned that she might want to read some Al Anon literature, as it might help her see her relationship with my brother in a different way.
Anyway, we had a long talk about expectations. She just kept insisting that I had every right to have certain expectations of my AH, and that it was "horrible" and "awful" that I didn't. (My mom definitely had a flair for the dramatic, LOL!)
My message to her was ultimately that yes, in a perfect world, I SHOULD be able to have certain expectations of my husband. Yes, it SUCKS that having those expectations with the diseased creature that currently inhabits my AH's body only leads to disappointment. But sitting around 24 hours a day feeling sorry for myself that the universe has worked out in the way it has will not do me any favors, and will only impede my own recovery. Her fundamental struggle was that she thought that by not having expectations, I was essentially "letting him off the hook."
I guess I don't feel like I've let him off the hook. I'm not saying to him, or to myself, that his behavior is OK, or that I will tolerate it indefinitely, or that I have done anything at all to deserve it. I try to just accept the "what" of the situation...just the facts, ma'am. That makes it easier for me to decide whether or not to stay, just for today.
Yes, thanks for sharing. Your post reminded me, even though I am very new to the program, the first thing I let go was the expectation of getting any help with the house work! I used to get so angry and upset, bogged down in my expectations of what should or should not be done. In this teeny aspect, I'm not stressed anymore, because I just do what I can do and if the house looks like crap, well it ain't down to me! Thanks for your post.
Yes, you are right, that with an alcoholic, expectations go out the window. And if you had a "normal" husband you could have reasonable expectations. Your mom was understandably worried for you.
You can also "expect" that it will get worse unless he embraces the program wisdom that is available for him. And then, when it DOES get worse, what are you going to do? Keep living with no expectations? Stay in the problem? Find your solution? Having no expectations sometimes leads to blinders as to what is happening because we don't look anymore.... and then when we are slapped upside the head with a huge brick of a problem we are taken totally unaware.
