"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

outpatient rehab

callmemara · Veteran Member

Saturday/Saturday night was really bad. I will spare you the details. Sunday morning I just kept thinking "I can't live like this for the rest of my life" I was real numb at first. Then I broke down and started weeping on the front porch and he was still passed out on the living room couch.

Then I went inside and he woke up. Said he'd been laying there all morning thinking about how he needed to stop. He said this time was different than the other times. He agreed to go to rehab. I told him I didn't care if he lost his job. We packed his bags and went to the rehab facility after we stopped to get something to eat. What a date, right? Subs and rehab.

Anyways, they took me out of the room and talked to him alone while I filled out my own questionaire in the family waiting room. When they brought us back in I found out that the recommendation was for him to go in-patient to detox. He declined that offer and countered with out-patient because he does not want to lose his job. But here is the BS part: he can't start out-patient until he has been sober/detoxed for 1 week. So he is just supposed to fend for himself for a week and come back NEXT monday (not today) to start. I think that is total BS. Why couldn't he start TODAY?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It was his decision to not go to rehab. It's not BS. They don't want people convulsing and having DTs in their outpatient rehab. They are not medically trained to deal with that. A HUGE part of getting sober is learning to take suggestions and do as other's who know better have told you. There are laws in place at jobs to allow people to go to detox and rehab without getting fired. Also, at some point his life is more important than his job.

Please try not to fall victim to his alcoholic thinking which is keeping him sick. This situation is not due to the rehab's rules. It is due to him refusing treatment. Please be careful not to set yourself up for disappointment because you seem to think getting him into treatment will fix things. It's very touch and go and he just put out a big sign of unwillingness when he refused detox. When a person is really ready to get sober they do not "counter" medical and AA suggestions. They take them. The power to get sober does not rest in whether he goes to treatment now, later, or whenever - It rests in him, It rests in his being willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to get sober. If his sobriety is contingent upon trying to cover up that he needs help from his work, it's not going to work anyhow. He will find reasons why work is tearing him away from meetings and an active AA program then. Sobriety must be contingent upon nothing.

It does sound like progress to be even open to the idea of rehab but this is his journey and it sounds like there's a lot more involved. By the way - I did not go to rehab or detox when I got sober. I went to a bazillion AA meetings (over 7 a week) and sweated out detox for 6 days or so. It's not the most medically safe alternative but it's doable. Nobody suggested I go to rehab or detox though since I was already hell bent on going to AA every day. That is the end goal anyhow - not to get "fixed" in rehab or detox but to build up a strong AA program or recovery. I would highly suggest he go to AA daily right now. He can call the hotline and they will even pick him up and drop him back off. You, him....neither of you has to do this alone. Trying to keep it all a big secret will keep both of you in pain.

All of the above was completely focused on HIM I realize and alanon is supposed to be about you. Hence, I would urge you to hit some alanon meetings and turn your focus away from him, his recovery, his not willing to go to detox. What can you do for YOU that will bring you some peace, serenity, and happiness today? In essense, you have a noncompliant patient with a stubborn disease. If you hyperfocus on it, it's going to make you miserable. Choose your own recovery and leave him to his.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((callmemara))) Some people have to wait weeks, or even a month or more to get into a program. I know it's a bummer that he will have to fend for himself for a week, but a week is really not that long. To answer your question ¨Why couldn't he start today?¨ Um, maybe because he declined the recommended treatment? I know this is a difficult time for you, but you'll get through it. Sending you lots of support & best wishes.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Yep that is how it usually is.

My ex AH, drove him four hours to the VA rehab. He detoxed then send him home till they had a bed!!!! So dumb. of course the relapse.

But it is what it is and if they are seriould they play the game to get what they want.

Remember it is their disease not ours. It's all up to him, it is none of our business.

I know we say but it affects us! so we learn thru Al Anon skills to get thru it and make it not our problem, leave it how it is, or we leave.

they will do whatever they do, we have to decide what we will do.

hugs,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

When someone really wants to get sober trust me they will find a way to get themselves into a program. They will ask the questions that need to be asked. Unfortunately it sounds like he's just using this as an excuse to buy time. Buy the time to have the excuse as to why he won't need to go to outpatient.

I'm a bit negative on the whole outpatient issue. My AH is doing outpatient and he is actively drinking. Yes, I know .. Yes it's not my business except that he has our kids every other weekend so all I can do is give my children the tools they need in order to know what the next right thing for them to do which is to not get in his truck with him if they know he's been drinking AND call me instead.

Keep working your own program of recovery and keep the focus on you. What he does or doesn't do is his issue.

Hugs P :)

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

What a date, right? Subs and rehab

I know you said this a bit 'tongue-in-cheek', but I believe that for one living with a person with active alcoholism, there isn't much better news than the "date" as stated above....

I agree with what else has been said, and also think it is ALL a step in the right direction here - sounds like your A is at least moving towards the plan towards wanting recovery and sobriety...

Tom

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

my ex A used the same rationale (his job) to stay out of inpatient...so he went to outpatient..and drank his way through it....

I'm with pinkchip on this one....

Oksie · Senior Member

The rehab rules are there for the safety of the biggest number. They gave him the offer of 'today' and he chose not to. Workers in rehab are good at detachment and allowing people to make thier own decisions. Perhaps don't condemn him prior to next Monday coming? Never know... he may go back then??? You can lead a horse to water hey.
At least he went.

There are
AA meetings outside of his working hours if he wants to go to that and work.

In my opinion, its difficult for people to work and withdraw from alcohol at the same time. They usually don't feel very well for a week or so.

Try to remember... expectations are premediated resentments

callmemara · Veteran Member

I kind of understand your point about not wanting him to have DT's in OP or the like but I honestly think he was ready to try OP.
You could have the DT's anywhere in that case, in an AA meeting even.

But here is the other thing. My husband felt like this "counselor" was a salesman and just wanted to get our money. (We have a huge deductible on our insurance). Yes of course this could have been another excuse. But I didn't care for the counselor either. I wish he would have talked to me when he came to get me from the family waiting room and then when we were in the room all 3 of us, he didn't come directly out and say what I told you all. I had to fish it out of him, though it was probably clear to my husband and him because they had already discussed it.

Anyways, Today is day 4 and he is still sober. No DT's and no seizures. He is just grumpy as all get out. I'm trying to be nice to him.

Oksie · Senior Member

that is good news for him. Day 4... he is over that first hump... just watch for more subtle signs of withdrawal like bad headache and the likes.
Only a few more days til Monday then

May I suggest to make a good plan for the weekend ahead of time

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"