The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am currently in a 90 day separation from my husband who is an alcoholic and a marijuana addict. He has "supposedly" been clean for six weeks. He told me me last night that he had a get together to play poker in our garage Saturday evening. He invited three friends. One an alcoholic and two marijuana addicts. He told me he didn't get high or drunk. I asked him what did your sponsor say about this? He said he highly advised against it but he told him these were his friends and he wasn't just going to not ever hang out with them again. So my question is this... I'm trying to work MY al anon program and I understand I cannot make him choose or do anything for that matter. These are the se people who EVERY time he got together with them in the past there was an episode. He got drunk or high and possibly didn't show up for days. How should I feel about his refusal to not hang around addicts until he at least has some time under his belt? I feel like he is choosing them over working seriously on our relationship and himself during this period of separation. Thoughts anyone???
This is me and for me when my spouse chooses to continue to hang out with people who are from his past (any AA person is going to tell you I had to stop hanging out with the past in order to get into the future, that's not a saying .. LOL .. it's me paraphrasing.) I know that nothing has changes.
I know I need to continue to keep the focus on me and continue doing the next right thing for ME. I'm currently separated from my spouse as well and I no longer want to continue doing what I did because I so want something different. What that means for me, .. with him or without him I want to be healthy on a mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual basis. I want something different than what is being offered. Mine is currently drinking again .. which I go back to if nothing changes .. then nothing changes. What do I want is what it all comes down to because .. he's going to drink, drug, cheat, lie and so on .. or not .. what am I going to do? I'm going to keep coming back to the alanon program and keep getting better.
Actions speak far louder and more consistently than words. My feeling is I choose to listen to the actions of another person vs the words.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
How should you feel? Exactly as you are feeling. What would I do? Admit my powerlessness to control him and then turn to Higher power.... turning my husband over, turning the outcome of the relationship over, and getting quiet and still for myself, not focusing on any "doing" but just "being".....
I would make a meeting a priority today to share about it, and I'd listen, allowing the fellowship to support me, I never have to do this alone, never again. He may not be ready for recovery, but all I could ever control, was whether or not "I" was ready, can't really point my finger if I'm doing the exact same thing. (((hugs))) It's going to be okay, I've been through this too.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Pushka & glad lee gave you some sound suggestions. I've been there too! It does get better when you take the focus off him. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. There is no other sane way.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I like what Pushka and Glad responded with and...a boundary set...no using and drinking on the property by anyone. I've done that one and its still working. Meetings are a must for me also. ((((hugs))))
It's sad and disappointing that he is making those choices but as much as you would want him to make better seemingly wiser choices, you can't control him.
The best is to focus on yourself and what you will do regardless of him.
People pass through all kinds of phases in their sobriety journeys. Some people need to learn that they have to change their playmates and their playground the hard way (after relapsing usually). It's his lesson to learn though and you have to decide what you wanna do while he figures all this out.
My AH is a marijuana addict. He went to rehab 2 years ago and got clean. When he got out of rehab, he decided that he could not hang out with his friends as they were all potheads.
He was never completely sober, but relapsed on his drug of choice (marijuana) 9 months ago. Those friends, that he didnt talk to for over a year are now his best friends again.
When I found out he was using again, I set strict boundaries for myself (one of which is no drugs in my house) and I let it go. I know he is using when he is with those friends, but instead of getting frustrated, irritated and angry, I enjoy the time that he is out of the house by watching a chick flick, calling a friend, or spend uninterrupted time with my kids.
You have already received some really great suggestions.
You deserve to do something for you...even if it is just taking a relaxing bath or watching a chick flick.
