Expectations: 

From: Courage to Change. One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II

Al-Anon Family Groups Inc. Page 2.

Turning to an alcoholic for affection and support can be like going to a hardware store for bread.

 Perhaps we expect a "good" parent to nurture and support our feelings, or a "loving" spouse to comfort and hold us when we are afraid, or a "caring" child to want to pitch in when we are ill or overwhelmed.

While these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved ones,that have let us down.

Love is expressed in many ways, and those affected by alcoholism may not be able to express it the way we would like. But we can try to recognize love whenever and however it is offered.

When it is not, we don't have to feel deprived; most of us find an unfailing source of love in Al-Anon. With the encouragement and support of others, we learn to treat our needs as important and appropriate and to treat ourselves as deserving.

Todays Reminder

Today the alcoholic may or may not be able to give us what we desire and no one person will ever offer all that we require. If we stop insisting that our needs be met according to our will, we may discover that all the love and support we need is already at our fingertips.

"In Al-Anon I discover in myself the power to throw new light on a seemingly hopeless situation. I learn I must use this power, not to change the alcoholic, over whom I am powerless, but to overcome my own distorted ideas and attitudes.

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

An expectation is a premeditated resentment. Courage to Change  Page 153

Any time I am in resentment, I am not taking care of myself. I am blaming someone else for something I need to do.

The higher the expectations, the lower the serenity. I try to keep my boundaries high, my expectations low, and my heart open.

One difficulty that many new Alanon members have learned to accept is that they will need to lower their expectations of the drug or alcohol abuser. That beautiful "golden" child you raised, or the intelligent husband you married, may not be able to live up to your expectations.

In fact, there is a saying in Alanon that "Expectations are Premeditated Resentments." If you don't want to spend your own life feeling angry and resentful, let go of your expectations.  So often we hear at Alanon meetings that "he has so much potential."  All alcoholics and drug addicts have unrealized potential. 

However, we only hurt ourselves when we have higher expectations for other people than they have for themselves.

"Blaming others for the pain we feel each time someone fails to live up to our expectations is no different than burning our tongue on coffee that's too hot to swallow, and then calling our cup an idiot". (Guy Finley)