The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi there. I'm new to Al-Anon. I have gone to 5 F2F meetings in the last 2 weeks. I'm in a very very tough situation and am having trouble seeing the light. My partner has been in AA for 18 months. She told me in February she doesn't want a relationship anymore. This has completely devastated me. I moved to England to be with her. We share a home as we can't afford to move. I'm also in University. I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago. It's very hard being here and having no family or close friends, in the same country.
I thought I was doing ok, but should have seen the signs in myself. Last night I went out and got completely wasted and came home screaming at her. So of course, today she has been distant and very in my face about not wanting a relationship. I feel like absolute crap because of the mistake I made. I called someone who gave me the advise of HALT. As obviously, I'm not ready to begin working on the steps. But my wheels are just spinning. I feel so bad. So lonely and so in love. I stood by her through all the tough times, not with any of the right tools but I stuck through it. I see other couples working the program and they seem just fine. And I want that. I'm so sad. I'm just not sure what to do. I've read my courage to change, I picked up the phone and I'm still miserable.
It sounds like you are relatively new to the program and things do not change over night. I think it's important to listen to what our sig others tell us. Not to mention she's not very long into the program either.
It's never to early to start working the steps. I would encourage you to continue going to the meetings especially since you are so isolated from family and friends. This will provide you with a good support system. Get a sponsor and start working the steps. Pursuing her and forcing to have to come up with an answer is not going to be the answer that you want.
The way you are describing your relationship sounds more along the lines of obsession than anything else. Forcing your will on someone else doesn't work. We are powerless over other people, places, things and the past (that's what I have to add). Letting go and putting the focus on you is a really good place to start. It doesn't mean you don't love your sig other it means that you are at a point where the pain you are in motivates you to do something different for yourself.
Hugs P :)
Welcome and keep coming back :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha BuzzBuzz and welcome to the board and Al-Anon and whom ever else is out there standing with you. You are not alone and as Pushka mentions "this isn't an overnight fix...it didn't happen overnight". The early pain is incredible and it lessens with time in the program and working what you learn from those of us who have been where you are at now.
Beating yourself up and wasting yourself is a no no. You need to have good stuff happening to you and that includes from yourself also. You won't get to walk straight with your head up if you shoot yourself in the foot first.
Hang with us...you got some literature...Good!! You got phone numbers...Even better!! You're not alone. In support. ((((hugs))))
Welcome to MIP BuzzBuzz. I followed my AHsober all over for 30 years. And it ended up with him saying he didn't love me, never did, wanted out of the relationship. I know it hurts especially when they said I love you, you're the one for me, forever. But that is the disease of alcoholism. Cunning, baffling. Alanon gives us experience, strength, and hope. I had to pile on lots of literature, meetings, and found a sponsor. It is a program of recovery for us. One day at a time. Take care of yourself.
A lot of times a person drastically changes when they get sober. In my case, my drinking got much worse as I was trying to tolerate being in a relationship I didn't want to be in. Hence, when I got sober, I ended that relationship with my partner.
You should never need to point to all the ways you sacrificed for another person and then expect this will keep them hostage in a relationship. Thats toxic love and not healthy. Yes, it does suck that she wants to break up after you did all that you did - BUT - After all the hurt is gone, you got to experience living in a new area. Your life took some interesting turns. And - it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. Break ups suck and there is no insurance that a relationship will last "forever" when you get into it. Despite this, I firmly believe we are richer people for being open to loving others even though break ups and life changes draw us apart sometimes. I would avoid thinking that your whole world rests on this relationship. That is putting too many eggs in one basket.
When a person says "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore" that is pretty clear. If you don't heed that message, it could get really ugly.
Also - Participating in alanon was for you and not to make the relationship work. You can be happy regardless. If you really think it's the norm that people come to alanon and are then happy with their alcoholic (sober or not) partner - You are not really looking at the big picture. Most of the relationships end, another huge chunk continue with serious strain, and then there are a select few that progress with both parties working on themselves and getting healthy on their own so that they then come together as happier and fuller people. That is very rare and I've really only met a handful of couples like that.
You also said you aren't ready to work the steps? Why not? That's the same as saying you are not ready to be well.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 14th of May 2012 08:23:42 AM
Ah thanks for all the insight. I am ready to be well, but I feel, and it's probably me over intellectualizing that even on the first step I could say I'm powerless...but do I really believe that? I am new to all this and I'm learning. But I am ready. I know I sound super dependent. I am. I'm stunned, shocked, I thought I would be with my wife forever. But I do need to work on me. Today was a better day, I read a few sayings in the "Just for Today" pamphlet over and over. I couldn't turn my brain off completely, but I'm working on it. And your all's insight has helped me a lot, many many thanks. I do need to put me first, I will get there!
