The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My Mum yelled at my sister and I before we were to go to lunch today. We're both in our 40's. She lost patience and yelled. My sister hadn't heard her do it for years. I've heard her quite often over the years. She doesn't bother to try to hide it from myself or my children. What a lovely way to start a Mothers Day. She did appologise, but it's brought me back down to the powerless feelings of childhood again. Actually that's what my sister said, it's like when we were teenagers. Then in the next breath she stated that she behaves like that with her children. Maybe there may be a lesson for all of us here. All in all, it turned out to be quite a nice day. I guess that's our family pattern. Mum would cause a stir before we went out anywhere. Then we wouldn't feel like going and acting all jolly and happy, like nothing happened, swept under the carpet. My kneck grew tight, which usually signals a headache coming on. Luckily I was able to relax driving to the pub. My sister and Mum drove over together. It helped me to settle and think about things (even though there were 5 children with me). I know we're all not perfect and we all make choices we regret.
My mother was the SAME way. She would throw a temper tantrum, become abusive, and then expect us all to act like we were some close knit, loving family. Well, that was HER guilt at her own behaviors. It completely ruined our relationship. Last year I opened my heart and shared with her how her actions hurt me and why I don't feel close to her...she claimed to not remember any of it. :/
It taught me the importance of apologizing when I acted wrongly, to live in reality and take responsibility for my actions. And to understand that my mindset, words, and behaviors affect the people around me. These are lessons I will always remember and I hope you can or already have turned the story of your hurt childhood into something positive as well.
I am glad you were able to turn around your day and enjoy the time with your mother. I'd take 5 kids over a car ride with my mother any day! :)
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
My father and my AH are the same way. It is such an awful feeling "acting like nothing happened". When I distance myself, make the choice not to be around that, they look at me like I am the strange one!
My mom does that sometimes. If something bothers her - it will come out of her mouth. She does not have much tact. Taking that into account I asked myself today "Who is the one person who has been there for me through EVERYTHING?" Who has heard "Mom, guess what? I'm Gay! Mom, Guell what? I'm having a mental breakdown. Mom guess what? I'm breaking up with my 4th live in partner. Mom, guess what? My home is in foreclosure. Mom guess what? I'm an alcoholic?" Who heard all that and stuck by me while I slowly figured out how to live life at a slower pace than I should have learned all that? My mom did...That's who.
So while my mom can be irritating, blunt, and unknowingly hurtful at times. She's my mom and I can't change her and I also stopped wanting to change her. I love her and that is the only message I wanted to get across to her today.
Makes sense to me. Not that my Mom would yell , but do other things, like put a face on or look unhappy, always playing the martyr. Its called manipulation.
Now my brothers and I call her on it. Before the dementia hit. Its a way of controlling and still being in power over her domaine. Truth is, its not her domaine anymore and in my Moms case, she didnt have a life besides her kids. You will have to call her on it too. Your an adult now, not a child. Im 66 years old and my brothers in their 60's also, it took a long time to even recognize it. After all, all those years my Mom always told us what a wonderful Mom she was. She had insecurities. We never thought we were being manipulated until we were much older and she got worse.
The best way to deal with it is face it, you want your neck all tightened??
For years now I've been bringing up that her behaviour is not good for the children let alone anyone. It only results in me copping more from both my Mum and Dad. Dad is that used to it, he thinks her behaviour is normal. A year or so ago I passed him a book and leaflets on al-anon and abusers. She wears him down. One of my sister's is in denial and my older one rarely comes home. She said she doesn't even know if she'ld go to her funeral. Mum was the most ferocious with her though. I'm the one she really goes for now. Whenever we're alone together she lets me have it. Now I try and have someone with me when I know they're visiting or meet them some where public. Even on the phone I try and keep it short and sweet before she starts launching into me.
