The material presented
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level.
I'm looking at this step question at the moment and would. welcome practical ways you guys put this into practice: "How can I let go of others' problems instead of trying to solve them?" I know I can start to see that others deserve the right to find their own solutions. I can show others the faith and trust in them that they are capable of finding their own way, and that they will have the instinct to ask for help if they need it. If I step in to solve their problems it says I don't believe they are capable which is insulting. If I step in I rob that person of their right to meet that challenge, grow or learn a valuable lesson or gain an important strength. If I solve their problems for them I am treating them like a child. That's the theory....but strategies and techniques in practice? ESH gratefully welcomed. Thank you! Tigger x
This is a good post and a reachout in humilty. Well done Tigger. Those of us who have been in program/recovery have wide experience with the subject and just as wide support from asking for support.
Other people's problems are just that and they can borrow from my ESH at anytime...by asking for it. When I give it I am not elevated to the level of guru and just a person who has "been there, done that and learned alternatives to doing it over" and so I preface my help with "just for me" or it has been my experience" or "this is some of what I have learned coming from the same place". This comes after being asked for help.
I use to just jump in uninvited. I learned that to enable another was to just take over their condition and exert my self will interfering with their responsibility. From that I was taught that if a person had the time, ability and facility to take care of their needs and I jumped in and attempted to do it for them that was enabling. If they lacked any one of those three tools -and- they asked me for assistance then that was a request for help...I could or would or not dependent upon how much support I wanted to give.
The consequence I was looking for was not to have another problem for myself and only an opportunity to affect change without expectation.
I like all the points you made about honoring other people's rights to experience their own life lessons. I think this a great question and I hope you get a lot of responses because it would be interesting to hear how others work Alanon's "hands off" policy.
As far as giving you strategies and techniques in practice...
I might tell another person, this is what works for me. My process is to spend some time with my higher power and ask for guidance and check my motive in making a decision before making it to be sure I'm acting and not reacting. Sometimes, I write about it to determine if the time is right, if I'm being honest with myself and others and what I feel are the pros and cons of making that decision.
If I'm having trouble with feelings, just sharing with caring person and my higher power can help me feel less alone. Just knowing someone understands and cares and isn't going to judge my feelings as either "good" or "bad" can be enough. I also write to better identify what I'm really feeling. It's a way to unstuff my feelings.
If I want a favor from someone, I check my motive. Why am I asking for the help? Am I taking responsibility? Is this a pattern of dependency? Before looking for the "easier softer way," the quick fix by getting from someone else what I can do for myself, I need to ask myself if there are other options. If I still want to ask for the favor, I try to be mindful that I need to make some better provisions to become more self reliant. Of course with this said, my friends and I do one another favors all the time. You know there are just some things a person doesn't particularly like doing that others do and vise versa. It really is down to motive.
I do at times help people with huge problems who got themselves where they are through poor decision making. The fact of the matter is others came through for me when I was in a bad way at one time - program people, oldtimers who where good with themselves and the program and capable of saying no if they truly wanted to. They showed me and taught me how to help myself the next time. With good boundaries, you can give but not over give if you understand what I mean. Today, I might say, "this is what I can do, will that be enough?" The other person is clear on what I'm prepared to do. If they aren't, I can remind them that I mentioned what I would be able to give. Every situation is different, so I can change my mind if it feels right for me or if the other person has not been honest with me, I can choose to withdraw my offer of help if that feels necessary. I just try to be mindful of where I once was and have some compassion and help another person as long as the helping doesn't dishonor myself in some way like becoming their personal helper in every situation. The hope in Alanon is that when people know better they do better. I'm grateful for people who pointed me to a few good tools as a newcomer, gave me their time and a helping hand and stood next to me for moral support in some very miserable situations. They taught me what a healthy boundary looks like and caring as opposed to caretaking. :) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 13th of May 2012 09:50:46 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I'm still working on this one....Especially when it seems folks really might not have the capacity to solve problems or when they have some mental block or problem that is behind the suffering they are going through or putting themselves through. When I step back and think about all the bad decisions I had to make in order to grow - that helps me let go a bit. But like I said - still working on it.
It's complicated - For example, people typically do not come to this board to just "vent" and 12 step programs to implore us to try and help each other. To that end, helping and offering suggestions is a good thing I feel. On the flip side, if the person comes back with the same problems a gazillion times, maybe they don't really want my suggestions and I need to back off. And also there are those times when people just want to be listened to...Men are not as in tune with that and I need to work on that one too.
I recently read Codependent No More, one of the notes I took said, (paraphrasing) we need to wait for the person to ask for specific help. We can say, "it's too bad you are having that problem. What do you need from me?"
My typical response is to jump in and "fix it" or anticipate their needs and get to work. I need to work on asking, listening and then responding to their request. I can offer help, but I need to wait for their response and listen to their words carefully.
I'm trying to do better at listening and just validating the feelings they are having over the issue at hand. Some days I do better than others .. something I have noticed is my wording is changing and I've noticed that others aren't necessarily ready to hear what I do have to say. Not saying I have the answer it's just that they aren't ready to hear my thoughts on the issue. When they are they will ask me for my opinion.
The ESH is def coming in handy and some things I do take more time and just listen and give it over to HP.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Great post and responses as this is a huge part of our codependent problem, putting on that superhero cape....
Perhaps the first way al-anon taught me self control, was when I heard, "Stay on your side of the street." It's a boundary for ME to stay in my business, and also something I want from others, I want others to stay in their business, out of mine......
My sponsor was a great role model, she would often pause for time to think, so that she could recall a personal experience and draw wisdom from there. Otherwise she said it was just living in the disease. She often told me, "I never went through a divorce, so I wouldn't know what to suggest." But more often than anything - she would just walk me right back to Higher power, where all the answers are, if we get quiet and still enough to hear it.
Sometimes when a sponsee phones, I just try to listen. After she's had her vent, I'll say, "I can just listen, unless you are asking for a suggestion?" ....Because if someone isn't ASKING for my help, I am trying to play god again, assuming you NEED me... and oh what an ego trip that is for me, playing superhero. ...
If I can just be a source of calm during crisis, she appreciates that the most, I'm not "doing" anything, just trying to "be" with her. I tell her as my sponsor told me, "I'm going to love you whatever you decide for yourself, I'm going to love you no matter what." It takes ME out of the decision-making process and lets her know I have every confidence in her to solve her own problems, along with her Higher power....
I have to remember, I have no idea what is best for anyone, that was one of many spiritual awakenings for me, only Higher power can give anyone the "right" guidance.
You are doing great, Tigger!
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 13th of May 2012 07:08:01 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Tigger I love the post and the responses. We truely have many able supporters at MIP and in Al-Anon and the ESH they carry with them could saved lives; from my experience. I'd like to include something I left out in my original response and that is to always bring and always leave the spirit of Higher Power to and with others who reach out for help. No matter how much ESH I have been given and learned the greatest experience and most real is that "God can...I let Him/Her". Like my sponsor taught me years ago...You need to reduce the size of that "I" and put a period over it..."i". God can do for you what i/we cannot.
I used to want to control and fix everything - not sure if that led me to the life of an addict or if I was simply an addict who lived co-dependently. Learning to stop trying to control took a bit longer than stopping my addictions. Grateful to say letting go allowed me to live life fully and allow myself and others to grow as it was meant. Hopefully that makes sense.
Thank you all so much for your responses. I have been wanting to ease the pain of my loved one whose father had a heart attack and is still in a comatose condition with little hope of regaining normal brain function, possibly normal consciousness. I have been trying to fix my partner by managing things and offering my advice and opinion, which I think has partly been based in fear on my part....partly love. But to me controlling, caretaking, smothering, can look like love to me when I don't know what else to give. It is difficult to watch someone struggling grief and to step back and let them find their own way through their feelings and actions. I have to remind myself that we each have our HP. I also have to come into and through my own feelings of rejection and helplessness when they don't want my input. The word "listen" has been a common theme through your posts, and I think I should shut my mouth a bit more and let my ears do the talking! Bless you, Tigger x
Some answers that have come to me re this question from the ESH above: Step back. Get perspective. Separate out what is my fears in the situation or what are my own agendas. Trust and know that they have their higher power too and if they need me they will ask. Learn to listen to what others are saying they need rather than thinking I know best. Trust that maybe they know better what's right for their solutions than I do, but that they also may have to get a different fresher perspective in their own time not mine. Know that to force my solution on them won't necessarily hurry a solution...it may hamper the process with extraneous noise. Get honest about my motive to help...are they selfish or ego based?
A realization that I have had about myself is that if I get nervous or worried about someone else's situation, I will barge right in and try to fix it.
A metaphor that helps me is that when I barge in to someone else's problem, feelings, etc., it's as if I open the gate to their home, barge through the gate, charge up the steps, barrel through the door and start rearranging their furniture and ordering them around.
So, to help me stop do that, whenever I feel like doing that, I now imagine that I am in front of a closed door, and before I barge in, I try to stop first and notice this door is CLOSED (i.e. there's a boundary here - this is another person's problem, space, feeling, etc.). I may, if I decide to, knock BUT I MUST STOP FIRST and make a conscious decision. Part of the conscious decision for me is do I want to help if needed? Am I tired or rung out or is this a bad time for me to help? (I don't always want to help and when I barrel through the door without knocking, I don't realize that and then get resentful or feel overburdened). And, it helps me take care of me first. When I "knock" (metaphorically speaking), I may ask if the person wants help or say what I can/am willing to do: listen, etc. Or, I am make an observation: You seem sad. Is there anything I can do?
This visual has helped me a lot. It helps me back up and get a grip :). It helps me realize that there are boundaries here and I need to observe them.
Wonderful ideas here! Thank you!!! Partner has just come from the hospital, and instead of launching in I said "if you want to talk about it I will listen and support you" which was received favourably. I realized I felt shut out when they came in and seemed distressed but didn't seem to want to share, just mope around...I owned my feelings to myself and stayed back on my side of the street realizing it was not about me and my partner may need more time in their timing than I do in similar circumstances. My partner has a habit of shutting me out and being secretive while giving out mixed "look t me, give me attention, persue me" messages. But I suppose I should just respond to the direct messages only and remain direct myself. I've offered my support now I have to let go. Tigger x
The hope in Alanon is that when people know better they do better. I'm grateful for people who pointed me to a few good tools as a newcomer, gave me their time and a helping hand and stood next to me for moral support in some very miserable situations. They taught me what a healthy boundary looks like and caring as opposed to caretaking. :) TT