Could this be a trigger (dining together) - Al-Anon Family Group

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Could this be a trigger (dining together)

tweety23 · Veteran Member

My BIL is an alcoholic, and severely so, in that he has been living on the streets and lost everything due to alcohol. He was a frightening sort of person while actively drinking and I refused to have him around my child for years we have not seen him. However he has been in some sort of recovery (no AA though) and keeps texting AH that he has been 30 days, then 60 and now 90 days sober. My AH wants to take him out to dinner to celebrate. I am really worried him seeing AH would trigger his drinking as their entire relationship pretty much has been based on being drunk together (since childhood, sigh). AH (who is more of a binge drinker then an every day sort) says he wouldn't drink while they were out, but could his presence alone "represent" alcohol to BIL? Does this make sense? I feel like AH should stay away for longer but I have kept this to myself.

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

To an alcoholic anything can be a trigger. Although it may help that your AH will not drink at their dinner together. I agree with Bettina, they will drink, or not. Nothing you or anyone can do about it.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I like the "trust God and turn it over to God" idea. That is what works for me...I am powerless and not a good manager. In support (((hugs))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We cannot make someone drink or not drink. It is always up to them.

Just not our problem!

love,debilyn

sookie · Senior Member

I agree with the above--we cannot spend our precious time and energy worrying about that. My AH wants to drink, he will create a trigger which typically is nothing. He is an addict with a compulsive disorder, so drinking is at the forefront of his mind no matter what really.

It took me probably a year to learn that I couldn't control his drinking and the first few times he drank when it had nothing to do with me, it was a huge relief to know that it wasn't my fault. he drinks because he chooses it, not because of anything I do or do not do.

I like the phrase "live and let live"....let him make his choices and focus on living for me.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

If your BIL knows your husband is a trigger - He will politely decline to get together and keep contact over the phone. You don't need to worry about it.

Oksie · Senior Member

Breathing could be a trigger too.
He used to do that while he was drinking.

Anything can be a trigger, and the things I think might be, often are not.

He will either drink or he won't.

Now obviously putting an open bottle of beer in front of him is testing resolve a little too far, and there are actions can be taken to reduce cravings and triggers, but only the individual can do that.

As a friend or family member, I would ensure I would not drink around a newly recovering alcoholic out of respect.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

This is something I have to work HARD on. This is co dependent behavior and it's hard to pick through because you do genuinely care about this person's recovery.

But really is it your decision to make? Your brother and BIL have to decide this. Your BIL has to be allowed to decide what he is comfortable with and how to learn to communicate it. I understand you very, very well. I have done this with my RBF and we've had to talk about it because I recognize what it is.

His response to me? "You aren't responsible for me, if you want to have a drink have a drink. I have to be responsible for me". He's right.

I will say however, that because I don't like to drink much, never have really - I don't drink in front of him but we did discuss that Christmas morning I will have bloody Mary's with my dad (tradition) and my mom who doesn't like to drink either makes killer virgin bloody mary's and he was fine with it.

Outside of that for myself I don't need the calories, don't like it that much anyway and don't care if I never have another drink again in my life so... why would I? However - I do not feel like I can't because of him. And so if an occasion comes up where I would like a drink, I will have one. It's generally Christmas morning or the rare half glass of wine with friends.

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