The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I asked my AH to leave our family home. He has been gone for a few days. I emailed him and told him that I did not want him coming back for a while. I cannot live with him. He doesnt work, and I really dont have the money to support him any longer. I have two kids that I have to take care of. I make just enough money to take care of our household expenses, but that is about it. I am not planning to file for a divorce, and would be happy to go to counseling with him (i found a great family/marriage counselor that specializes in addiction, gods work for sure!) I have my first appointment with her on Tuesday. My AH wants to meet me at this appointment.
He doesnt have any means to take care of himself here in our state. We live 700 miles away from all of our family. He doesnt want to have to drive 700 miles away and be that far from his daughter.
I am not sure what to say or do. All i know is that I cant have him come home. I love this man and want him to be a part of our kids lives, but how does he do that living 700 miles away. He is staying at a friends house right now, but says that he has to leave soon. He asked if he could come to my home during the day so he can find work, and would sleep in the car at night. I dont feel comfortable doing this. I need to protect my children from his verbal abuse and I dont trust that he will keep his mouth shut. My home feels so calm right now, and I will not give that up by having him come here.
Any ideas of where he could stay? Can he go to a sober living facility? Are there other places that he could stay and pay for a week at a time until he finds work and can move into a permenant home? The least expensive of course...
I think you are making some very sound decisions and you should stick to them. Its really not up to you to save him and worry about where he should go. You have enough on your plate.
Sober living usually costs, they might help him stay for awhile while he gets a job, but he will eventually have to pay.
Keep up the good work and I wish you and your children all the best
Yes - Sober living houses will let him pay week to week while he looks for a job. This is all for him to sort out though. It's his problem and you need not fix it for him. He's a grown up and he can find his own solution. He needs this bottom to really get sober. If he chooses to sleep in his car, that's on him.
I understand that whole -Get Out...but i still love- you thing (detachment with love). Everyone above said it...It's not your problem and I know it hurts you because you have always taken care of him and you wonder how could you make him leave his home...yada yada. Remember You are being strong for yourself .Every time my husband wound up in the hospital after he injured himself while drunk. I actually would go to the house and clean up his mess.....Thank God for Alanon...It gave me the sanity I needed. Blessings on you and your family.I think your right on track.... Go you!
We found a place here locally that lets men that desire recovery from alchohol stay10 days there for a bed and three meals. They also have daily AA meetings that draw a huge crowd. It's free, it isn't a medical detox, but it's awesome and such a blessing. There are places like this! I hope maybe there is one in your area.
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I made this same difficult decision 9 months ago. It is heart wrenching and scary but I also could not live with my AH anymore. I realized that it was his responsibility to figure it out, I had supported him long enough at the expense of my sanity and the poor quality of parenting my two kids were getting because of my own obsession with his alcoholism. So you know what, his own HP watched over him and he figured it out. He did sleep in his car for a while and he did eventually get a job and he did get social services and he does have a place to live now. It all worked out--and my serenity is better than it has been in 9 YEARS.
We also tried counseling directly before this, but the time was not right. That counselor told me if I didn't get away from the situation, I would end up in a psych ward and then what would my children do? I was broken down and I knew if he did not get out, that it would get worse--and that was hard to fathom.
I do not regret it and my thoughts now are, will I ever be able to live together again, because being free from the chaos, anxiety, fear etc has been amazing. This is what he wants and keeps pushing for, but I just am not ready for that again. I hope you can get to higher ground in your home life--I am glad you shared and you should be VERY VERY proud of yourself for making choices for you and you kids.
This is HIS problem not yours and he can have ownership over solving this problem on his own. It can actually do wonders for his own recovery. Best wishes for peace!
Something I heard over the weekend was stating .. it sounds like it's going to be hard for you at the moment, you do have the option of treatment. If the answer is no .. I have all the faith that you will find a place to stay and it will workout for you. There are all kinds of places to stay (this is me talking) many people within the AA group I attend for open meetings stay at the Salvation Army. In order to stay there they have to attend AA meetings daily.
Soooo .. where he stays truly isn't your problem and you would be surprised what they figure out to do. It can be very very healthy for them as well.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You are doing sooo well. Keep it up. I hear you say you work and look after kids. He doesn't work and has no kids to look after... my question.... who has the spare time to look for somewhere to live??? Him or you???? What else is he doing during the day????
If he was in my place, and he asked me, I would tell him to go to the Salvation Army and for him to use his 'spare time' looking for somewhere
Thank you all for your ESH. I am so grateful for this board.
I let it go, didn't give him any hints on where he could stay. He did tell me that he will continue to stay in our state as he wants to see our kids and try to work out our family issues He says he found friends that will allow him to stay there long enough for him to get a job and get his own place.
So he is figuring it out on his own. I am letting it all go. Not my problem any more.
At times I get these crazy thoughts that he will come here when my son is here and I get scared. I'm trying to trust my HP and my sons HP that he will only give us what we can handle.
I feel so liberated right now. I am cleaning my house, doing the laundry, spending quality time with my kids and it feels really good.
I have an appointment with a family counselor tomorrow to talk about all the little details regarding the car that he has and so forth. I don't plan to file for divorce and not sure of the next steps for a separation if that's needed right now.
I am looking forward to spending more time with my kids and having the me time that I deserve.
You don't have to have any answers today .. it takes a lot of time to get to the place where you make any kind of decision. It's more important that you take care of you and the kids, heal, and figure out what do you want. He is not the only one with options you have them as well. I have been told .. do the foot work and the rest will fall into place on HP's timing.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
