The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is such a great read. I'm glad I opened it (I have it tucked away in my desk at work).
For me it gets down to the heart of the matter - the biggest challenge I have with my own "dis-ease" is one of looking outside of myself to find gratification. Usually, the perceived Golden Ticket I've always had in the past was if I had that "perfect relationship" with someone else, then I would be okay. I would be "whole" (ala Jerry McGuire... this other person would somehow magically "complete me"). This person would want to be with me and would want my love and would love me and fulfill my every need. Then, and only then, would my life be perfect and I would no longer have to look outside of myself to finally feel whole.
Then, when I look at my human behavior, I see curious actions and behaviors that somehow hint that maybe that "perfect relationship" won't be enough. If I feel discontent, I sometimes turn to other things to feel okay... eating when my body doesn't need the food, seeking attention from people who aren't part of that "perfect relationship", wanting that perfect house, that perfect vacation, that perfect car. If I add one more tchotchke to my place, have one more piece of chocolate, get one more cute pair of shoes, lose one more pound... THEN I'll finally be okay.
... right?
No...???
So what's wrong here then? What's wrong with this picture? It's because I have this tendancy to keep looking outside of myself to feel whole. I forget that, as the reading says, "I spend more time with myself than anyone else". Why should I avoid giving that relationship the attention and love it craves and desires? Perhaps some of it is conditioned thinking in my upbringing in an alcoholic home. Some of it is learned from my peers and the media... that anyone who pays attention to themselves is a narcissitic jerk. Oh, no... I would hate for anyone to think that of me! (I need you to love me, after all, so I can feel "whole"... remember?)
The entire context of today's reading in Courage to Change is something that I've really been working at since my divorice. I promised myself I wouldn't date anyone for at least a year so I could start learning to apprecate my own company.
The first year had a lot of ups and downs. I like to believe my HP stepped in big-time last year, however, when I went on my vacation back to Colorado and just had this magical "ah-ha!" moment after going on a hike. I remember the feeling of breathing really hard and my heart pumping furiously as I trudged slowly up a high-alpine trail (living down at sea-level and then hiking above 10,000 feet is most certainly a challenge!).
I got back from that hike and just imagined what my body was doing... all the organs working together... my muscles calling out "more air! more air!" my heart saying "I'm trying! I'm trying - hey lungs - get some more air in here so I can send it to the muscles!" and my lungs going "we're working on it!!" When I saw that whole scenario happening, I just suddenly gave myself - my body - a huge hug and said "thank you, thank you, thank you! you work SO hard for me!" And when that door opened, to appreciating this body that I reside in, it opened the door for appreciating myself as a whole as well.
Since that day, I make it a point to give myself a big hug and say "thank you and I love you!" And I really, REALLY mean it too. I'm not doing it feeling like it's some hokey exercise I have to do to finally learn to appreciate myself.
With that self-appreciation comes less looking outside to other people and things to feel better and more realizing that I'm a whole and complete person as I am.
I'm not immunie from occasional looking outside to feel better. I'm human, after all. But it gets better and better as time marches on.
I think some might ask where HP comes into play in all of this.
HP just puts me into the places and situations that get me to this point of self-love. And for my own understanding of an HP, that HP is closely intwined with me, so for me.... loving myself is also loving and honoring my HP. And yes, HP gets a special "thank you and I love you!" from me every day, too.
Thanks for letting me share and I hope you all have a fantastic weekend.
I have come to terms with why I did what I did in the past relationships. I'm not sure what to do to get a mature one (besides not do what I did in the past) but it all begins with me.
Thanks for bringing todays reading to our attention Aloha, I really needed to read it today. What a wonderful concept... to get to know me. What makes me tick, inside and out, my likes, dislikes, passions, fears, hopes, and dreams.
I also think that it is a wonderful idea to allow oneself a year to get to know myself after a divorce. I have even heard that a year of recovery should be given for every 4 years of marriage. If I would have just adhered to that after my first divorce, I might not have had my second, or third or fourth divorce. I am giving myself that advice today... a year off, to get to know me.
What an excellent idea!
Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Thank you Aloha for your inspiring story. I can remember a time when I felt so fearful of being alone without my loved one who had in effect become my higher power. I felt so uncomfortable with my own company, thoughts, feelings and experiences...uncomfortable and anxious. I love being on my own now. The thing I haven't got to grips with is my physical body. Being an adult child of trauma my body is something I've always numbed off from and tried to ignore. I hope one day to have that healed and for my body to feel loved and nurtured by me rather than neglected so much. I think I am better than I have been but there is a long long way to go. Thank you for the hope and inspiration in your share about that. Hopefully if I do baby steps it will lead to big results some day. Tigger x
