He threatened divorce, I dont know what to do next... - Al-Anon Family Group

Brooke · Member

He threatened divorce, I dont know what to do next...

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

If I had a dime for every time my exAH threatened divorce, I'd be a millionaire.

When we did divorce, it was because I had requested it and meant it when I said it.

Alcoholism and addiction are progressive diseases. Until he arrests it through sobriety and working a recovery program, he's going to keep on keeping on.

Have you had a chance to get to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings? I can tell you getting to meetings and finding a sponsor and working with her consistently really helped me to cope with a lot of similar issues with my exAH. He, too, was financially irresponsible, extremely insecure and defensive, etc.

Hope you get to some meetings. They're a breath of fresh air in all of this.

Brooke · Member

Thanks, I do have contact with a mature lady who was in a similar position to me, and is the local contact for Alanon. They are looking at starting a local group again, although the night they suggested my husband goes out to our church music practice, so we'll see.

Hes on antabuse, and is trying to control drinking to only social occasions, to prove to himself hes not the alcoholic his sister told him he was when he was daily drinking for over a year. My concerns are, he has recently still turned to it when we've argued, so I dont trust him with it because thats not healthy, nor social, and is heading back down that same destructive road we've travelled. His sister is a recovering, struggling alcoholic, and his father has had issues with alcohol too, so have other relatives. He does have addiction issues, hes addicted to nosespray, prescription meds, and he used to smoke....so I can see the trend even if the alcohol isnt an issue

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Brooke and thanks for the display of the "courage to change the things you can". From my experience as a alcohol/substance abuse counselor you are dealing with what we use to call the "King Baby" personality which you cannot change except for the worse with the enabling you've being doing. You've been doing the very best you can with what you have and the disease gets progressively worse. He's good by habit at scaring you and then using your fear of "what it" to keep you handing it out to him. I know that is kinda rough input from another member and I'd like your situation to change just as all of the fellowship here would too.

The face to face meeting suggestion by Aloha is by far the best I believe that can be offered. You've been at this for over 22 years so it has to be clear that inspite of you wanting it to change and knowing where it needs it the most...it just continues to get worse. For him it is the same situation...He doesn't know and doesn't know that he doesn't know what his alcoholism is about and doesn't want to go find out...so it stays the same for him. "King Baby" is a great metaphor for his condition. Get to the meetings and leave him to grow up. I suggest also that the "loser" language that he might be using isn't your's it's his own thoughts and inner voice.

Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) smile

katfshh · Senior Member

Yesterday my AF within a few hours, told me how sure he was that he wanted to marry me, and how much he loved me. Then like nothing, told me how horrible it would be to stay with me, and that he is moving on. Ha, ha! OK, which story do I believe? He has done this with each of his relapse, tries to make me think I will be losing him. He also asked me if I was afraid he would find someone new. I said, "Not at all." He is a joke right now. I wish I could video him. I did video him a little last time he relapsed and he would never look at it. He finally deleted that video off my phone. He looked and sounded horrible. I think it's something he should have to watch everyday that he is sober. I bet it would make him think about taking that drink, then again who knows. I like the part in the book "Getting Them Sober" that points out that it's them that is just a show. That really, they are not a prize and we shouldn't be afraid that someone else will want them. It does make so much sense...

Bargee · Veteran Member

Katfish my husband does that to me too. One minute I'm the love of his life, the next I've ruined his life. I don't know what to blieve either.
Funny you say about filming your AF. I have often thought of recording my Husband when he is on his nasty rant at me and making him listen to it.
I think he would be shocked.
My H even accused me of the fact that his daughter isn't even his!!!

katfshh · Senior Member

Yea, it's so bizarre they accuse us of doing them wrong. He also came in when I was on the computer yesterday and asked me if I was trustworthy, and that he wondered what exactly I am doing on the computer. He also said, other crap about me cheating on him, having a boyfriend. Now seriously, if I had a boyfriend why on earth would I stay with him? I'm totally not interested in anyone, but what would be my reason to sneak around behind his back?? It's like they all got a masters degree in being an active alcoholic from the same university.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholics are notorious for "taking hostages" in relationships. The do not give of themselves freely and usually try to trap significant others by diminishing their self esteem, making them believe they are at fault for the drinking, and or making lots of idle threats to elicit emotional chaos that mirrors what is going on inside their own minds. I acted this way for years. I used to say "I'm leaving" all the time just cuz I wanted to hear "No...please don't! I need you!" I wanted to hear that so bad because I could not feel good on my own. Hence, all my relationships up to the point I got sober consisted of me using others to appease me, comfort me, validate me...etc....While I actively refused to look within and solve my real problems.

I have learned a lot on these boards over the last couple years too. Alanon does present you with a certain set of tools to no longer be ensnared in the insane web of behavior that I described above. Essentually, the program offers you your wholeness back while leaving the broken person to either heal themselves or to choose not to. It makes them own their own sickness. For that, alanon is priceless.

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

When my AH threatened divorce, I remained calm and replied what was true for me, "I don't want a divorce, but I will respect your decision and won't fight you."

And I walked away from the conversation.

That really took the wind out of his sails. See, he needed the argument, the drama, the fight. He had no intention of divorcing me. It was a tactic to invoke feelings of insecurity in me, the same feelings he himself had. And I just stopped cosigning on that. Of course, it took me years to not react to his threats in a negative way. Al Anon truly gave me the brain transplant I sorely needed...I highly recommend face to face meetings.

Bargee · Veteran Member

Katfish, I don't know if you meant too, but your post made me laugh. I particuarly liked the point you made that if you had a boyfriend, why would you stay with him?

Thank you for that.

To everyone else, I can't imagine ever being as wise as any of you. I hope one day I am, but it's so hard to picture.

Dolly Llama - wasn't it scary telling him you wouldn't fight it? I would be terrified he'd leave. But then on the other hand, that could very well be a blessing too. Hmmm.

katfshh · Senior Member

Bargee, glad I made you laugh. =) It's nice to be able to post on these boards. It is helping me get through this. As much as I want to chase my AF down, sitting here and reading and posting is keeping me thinking clearly and not falling into the old ways. 2 years ago, I hopped on a plane and went to save him on the East Coast. Got him tucked away in a detox, and flew back home. Guess who left detox, just walked out 4 days into it, went to the airport and showed up in California? So, he drinks on the plane, and then when he landed here. I told him he had to go to a rehab here or sober living. We found a place, he stayed there a week, then started staying at my house, and well...never left. Until 8 months later when he relapsed, did the whold, blow all his money and stay in hotels until it ran out. Tried to come home, I made him leave, and when he totally ran out of money he went to the ER (at the hospital I work at! Ugh) Left there and stayed sober for exactly 1 year, and drank at the one year mark. That was just May 2nd. Now he is out doing this again. Why don't I just KNOW I am done? I just gps'd him and he is in a motel. I can't believe he had money put aside for this and he is just blowing it! I always told him if we break up he can have my engagement ring back. Well, no way! Now that he has left me to worry about all the household expenses and he is wasting money. Oh, and the dishonesty, wow! And I love this man? Really?..Ugh

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Bargee wrote:
Dolly Llama - wasn't it scary telling him you wouldn't fight it? I would be terrified he'd leave. But then on the other hand, that could very well be a blessing too. Hmmm.

Change is always scary. I did have fears about supporting myself, and the logistics of where I would go, what I would do, etc. But at that point, I had been in Al Anon for a while and had made the decision to turn my life over to the care of my HP. I knew if my marriage continuing was God's will, then it would indeed continue. And if my marriage continuing was not God's will, then He would give me the strength and the means to support myself and figure it all out, one day at a time, and with the help of my Al Anon group.

When I finally stopped fighting life, life opened up for me in ways I could have never imagined. I am no stronger, wiser, or more special than anyone of you. I am a normal person with weakness and fears. But I have learned to rely on my HP and trust Him completely. It has changed me from being a person ruled by my fears and nurturing my victim mentality to living my life in the blazing light of reality and taking it one day at a time. I still feel fear and have moments of worry...but now those emotions are just like a brief rainstorm passing over a great ancient mountain.

Bargee · Veteran Member

Katfshh I feel for you. My AH has only 'disappared' once and it truely sent me round the bend!!!
Thinking of you.

Dolly Llama - What if I don't belive in God. Does your HP have to be 'God'?

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Bargee wrote:
Dolly Llama - What if I don't belive in God. Does your HP have to be 'God'?

Nope.

I've heard of Al Anoners using the fellowship itself as their HP. In the beginning, I used my deceased grandparents. My concept now of "God" is something like that transcendent energy that runs through all things and is greater than any of us can concieve with our tiny human minds. Some use Nature, the universe, etc. Many ideas here...do a search, if my memory serves, this was a recent-ish topic.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I ditto what Mattie says. My own daughters (now ages 30-39, 4 of them) say to me, "Mom. You were such a hottie. Dad was so lucky to catch you!" Of course, when I was going through it, I sure didn't think that way.

I read what you say about him buying alcohol when you argue....as if you are taking the blame for his buying the booze when you argue. It may be his pattern, but it is HIS. Normal people don't use that. Normal people are willing to talk out a disagreement. Normal people are willing to allow disagreements. They don't go running to booze. And YOU didn't cause it! It is HIS pattern.

I like what Dolly says, "I will respect your decision and I won't fight you." And then walk away.

-- Edited by maryjane on Friday 11th of May 2012 09:59:54 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Brooke, from what you say, your husband has been drinking to excess every day for more than a year, also uses drugs, leaves you to do all the work around the house, has been physically violent with you more than once, spent $8000+ on a boat, planned to buy a second boat, spends other money on his own toys and occupations, blames and criticizes you, tried to throw you out with your 4-year old... I'm going to speak honestly here: he's threatening to leave you?

I think sometimes we lose sight of which one in the relationship is the solvent, sober, capable, hard-working, responsible, and desirable one -- desirable, at least, to sane people. Who would ever sign up for a relationship with the kind of person described above? The only way any of us would ever get in a relationship with someone like that is if we were worn down over the course of years so that we lost perspective on our own worth.

I'm just saying this because I know that terrible, terrible feeling of howling emptiness at the idea that I might lose the man I was so attached to. But a good friend of mine sat me up and said to me, "Are you kidding?! If he were halfway sane he would be thanking the heavens that a woman like you would ever look at him! Girl, you can do better than him!" She made me realize that staying with him was a choice, not a necessity. And in my case, at least, it was a choice that was pulling me into the mire of insanity along with him.

Take what you like and leave the rest. Hugs.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

"I'm just saying this because I know that terrible, terrible feeling of howling emptiness at the idea that I might lose the man I was so attached to. But a good friend of mine sat me up and said to me, "Are you kidding?! If he were halfway sane he would be thanking the heavens that a woman like you would ever look at him! Girl, you can do better than him!" She made me realize that staying with him was a choice, not a necessity. And in my case, at least, it was a choice that was pulling me into the mire of insanity along with him."

I ditto what Mattie has shared 100x over .. this part really made me smile when I read it. I think it's interesting when we are wondering what or why a wonderful man like ours is such a keeper when someone with a more normal frame of mind would have been out the door a LONG time ago. I can remember thinking if he does X I'm leaving .. then it was well he did X, .. if he does Y I'm really done .. then Y came along and boy, I really meant it when I said Y, however it's ok, he's a nice guy, .. if he does Z I'm sooo out the door and it wasn't even Z that pushed me out the door .. LOL! So X,Y,Z happened and guess what HE left .. my worst fear ever and the world did not end. It's not easy every day, however the sun comes up every day, and the world keeps turning. There is a def power play in what they do when they threaten things.

Point is .. if he did leave .. what would happen really? Not saying you should leave just saying ...

Hugs P :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Someone in Al-anon once said how hard it is to lose an A, I found that hard to believe. However I found it to be true. In our small town most people know he is lost and an A. I am one of the few that found him to be the most desirable prize even though he treated me terribly and my life was spent trying to please and serve him, which was never enough. Well now I am am healthier and know I want to be happy. I choose me and when I realized I had choices and decisions, well that is when I found the courage to change the things I could. I would never tell anyone to leave their husband, but I would definitely let them know how much Al-anon has helped me to become the person I always wanted to be. Some people stay, some people go either way they have focused more on self care with the help of Al-anon and well it works when you work it! I am sending you all love and support on your journey!

sweeetr · Senior Member

We did the whole Antabuse thing after about two months of sobriety He figured out real fast missing a day was good for some beer and missin a couple days was good for a shot or two. He did turn to spice and Vicodin when on antabuse not ever looking "messed up" makes me wonder if I've ever seen him sober.

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