The New Codependency - Al-Anon Family Group

sweeetr · Senior Member

The New Codependency

katfshh · Senior Member

I am right there with you. I wish I could say I have had enough. But, I find myself hoping that he will just get sober and then we could be OK. Although, he has been sober, since we have been together, three times. And each time I think this has to be it. He goes on a binge, he just drinks and spirals out of control for a few weeks to a month, then pulls it all together, gets back to AA, and stays sober for 8 months-1 year and then it happens all over again. Right in the middle of round three at this moment. I keep saying this isn't what I want for my life, but then I stayed the other two times. When is enough, enough? My firends say this has to be enough, and I'm stupid if It isn't. I really wish I could be as certain. It's just so difficult to make that final decision.

sweeetr · Senior Member

When my AH went to AA I found later he just turned to other things after a couple weeks. And I now understand what a dry drunk is also... A man at an AA meeting said something that hit home to me ... He said He got sober so his wife wouldnt leave him.. seven years later she filed for divorce.. He asked her why, (he was still sober)..she told him, your attitude and behaviours never changed.. He said after a three month slip, he got back sober,and did it for himself. His story was to impress everyone on doing the 12 steps to heal. Or your just an unfinished puzzle. She and he never got back together, but he said thats what it took for him to realize he had to do it for himself. The book Im readin now... talks about letting go of trying to control his disease and detaching.. I dont know where the future will lead me but Im not worrying (as much) about what happens when he retires, what if this never stops. Im living one day at a time. Enjoying happy moments and detaching from bad ones (which usually involves a visit to a friend or more time spent with my children or myself) ... PS My family and friends think Im stupid too .. but I keep reminding them about that part of wedding vows .... its only back and white when its NOT your life or decision I guess

Brooke · Member

I like your comment that ""its only black and white when its not your decision"". I can understand that. My family struggle with what my sons and I have gone through, but it is so difficult to know what to do at times, theres no manual for this, and you cant make a stand or decision if its not your own.

Bargee · Veteran Member

Wow,

I can so relate to this thread. There are times I know my friends and family think that I am crazy. But sweeetr you put it so perfectly "They don't understand, under these addictions is the man I love. Don't be mistaken, the high, lying or drunk man is NOT the same person". That is exactly how I feel too and I seem to have an never ending supply of Hope that the man that I know he can be will come back to me.
Katfshh I don't even know what round me and AH are in now, but I too told him and myself 'never again' after each time and yet here I am, now married and with a baby!!!!

sweeetr · Senior Member

Well example today wonderful. He got home from work early enough to make our sons practice of which I go and support him. He calls when he thought it would be over tho it ran late. He wanted us to meet him at Resturant and he picked up his grandma. We ate an it was nice them he dropped her at her house (not even five minutes away) come in and I was about two feet from him talking (he had a dip on his mouth) and he still reaked of alcohol. Swears three beers but not my first rodeo so I got disappointed. Told him I know your lying I don't like boring around drunks. I went and got in tub and bed. He was in bed wanting to lay all over me I said sorry I Don't want to smell this seeping out your pores and mouth all night. He said a few choice words and went to sleep on cOuch. Still not sure this is life I want. The man I do love seems to be disappearing under this disease. Also got doc reports on pills taken in a six wk period. They released him do to liability and he Tested positive for illegal synthetic. May be more than I got. I read my book and feel strong. I starts living life and doubt brain and fear step in. I wish it were black and white. Hell I'd settle for grey but my choices are in pink. Who knows how to handle this. ???????

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I have read 2 Melody Beattie books on codependency and they helped a lot. The book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was another great one for me. Al-anoners understand unlike outside family or friends who will give you advice or just try to control your decisions. I had to learn not to tell people who couldn't understand the disease and relate to what I was living with. After 15 years I really knew when I had to leave. You will know when it is enough and until then please keep coming back here and dive into your own recovery program to take care of yourself! Sending you much love and support!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Melody Beattie is such a good writer because she has been on both side of the program. A Dual Member. She speaks from experience.

You will know when you know. Until then your job is to take care of yourself and take care of any kiddos that are in the house with you. Your job is not to take care of him.

sweeetr · Senior Member

Thanks for support and feedback. It's taken me five yrs two marriage councilors and three books to start understanding. I can't control his choices. But that doesn't make mine any easier. Does anyone ever learn to live happy lives with addict/alcoholics? Or is it just about surviving and taking care of yourself until you've finally had to leave?

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

powerful. No one knows what they would do.. everyone has an opinion but... I have learned that its my life, not theirs, its my love, not theirs, its my marriage, not theirs.

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