The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yes, I am a mom and for me that part of the day will be good.
But as an ACoA of an A mom this is a very painful day for me. I know in many ways I played victim to her A'ness for a long time. I no longer feel victim but the pain and sadness is still there. Sometimes it's so overwhelming. I'll look at my daughter and feel so much love for her. I want to know everything about her - I want to share with her, laugh with her etc. All the things my mom never did with me. It comes so easy and naturally to me that I still just don't get how she couldn't be that way with me. Of course, then the adult child comes out and I feel like something is wrong with me (even though I know logically it's not about me) - I'm not good enough to warrant her love, affection and time unless she gets something out of it. My mother suffers from a severe sense of narcissm (diagnosed professionally) which I'm sure was developed out of self preservation from having an A mom herself.
I know I'm supposed to forgive her, I know I'm supposed to just accept her for who she is and separate the illness but I really really struggle with that and envy those that can do so.
To this day she is still very self centered - seeks the attention of others to feel good, but those others are not family. She's involved in fundraising for politics etc and not for the greater good but for the attention it brings her.
She's never acknowledged she's an alcoholic and she's 70 yrs of age. I doubt she ever will. If it weren't for my Dad, I'd probably completely detach myself from her. She really is very clueless about how everyone feels and I guess that's typical in my family.
I will keep working this program in hopes I can heal that inner child but it still all feels so fresh and so very real.
I'm sure it does feel fresh and real. You are actually feeling, and they are your thoughts and feelings which are so new, very real and need to be processed.
My mom isn't an A however I was so raised in an A household it's weird. I know I keep going to my mom expecting her to react or act in a different way to what I'm going through and guess what .. lol .. it's so not working for me. It's not fair to her either that I get stuck in my expectation of how a mom should be. How she should be reacting and being upset with her when she doesn't .. can't get bread at the hardware store. I know that she wants better for me than what is occurring in my life right now .. and the reality is this .. it's my life and yes parts of it do suck however there are other parts that rock!!
Good news it's better than it was .. the bad news .. I have to .. and boy do I mean have to accept that it's never going to change. Our mom's are the same age and I just don't see my mom doing anything different at this point. Where I have power is being able to detach from what is her stuff and what is mine and leaving her stuff with her. We actually are doing better than her mom and her did sooo .. progress not perfection as far as relationship stuff. With my mom everything is guilt, .. she reacts to her perceived guilt. I swear I have more material just about my mom as far as if I ever wanted to take my act on the road there would be YEARS of stuff just from there.
With my own children .. I'm different than she was .. in some good ways and then there are other ways I can see I'm very much like her and I don't like that .. really working hard to change that part of the deal. It's not easy and it's all about progress not perfection. I guess that's why step 1 for me is I"m powerless over other people, places, things and the past. I've done pretty good about not throwing the past back up, it's soooo not easy when I'm thinking if my daughter was in my position I know I would be acting in a different way. She is doing the best she can even if I don't feel it is what I deserve in this situation.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Up until the minute my mother died I was still waiting for her to be a mother to me. I struggled tremendously with acceptance around the way my mother was. Mother's day was an opportunity for me to grieve and I know that isn't exactly hallmark but I did grieve.
For some people recovery isn't on their bandwith. My elder sister is pretty self centered. She is also pretty well off and could certainly afford therapy and entertain recovery. She hasn't. That's her choice. I had to grieve she didn't and my entire family is a mis match of alcoholism, mental illness and really really deep denial. There isn't much nuturing, maturity or kindness there. That was a real tall order for me to deal with. I craved, longed for and was angry about that for a long long time. I also don't discuss it at length with many people because so few people understand what it is to come from that level of dysfunctionality. I'm so grateful I got to recover from it but I'll be recovering my entire life and I'm sure issues around my family will be with me for ever.
I do know people who superfically never deal with their childhood issues. My younger sister is one of them and she's an alcoholic so you could say she drowns them but on the outside she looks really really good. She always has a chirpy attitude and a smile on her face. I think I often have to look at someone's actions when they claim they have seamlessly become accepting of their family or forgiven them. My sister is one of them who doesn't "dwell on it". Some people do indeed do that and some don't. I don't think its a notch in your belt if you do either. We all have different processes. I know whatever I have done around my family required tremendous work, therapy, willingness and none of it came easily and I still struggle with them.
This Mother's day won't be a day of tremendous sadness and rawness for me. I can't say it will be a day when I forgive my mother either but I do have compassion for her at sometimes which I didn't before. I don't know why, what or how she became the person she was but she desperately needed help and didn't get it.
I'm so glad for your children you are willing to go to such lengths to make sure they have the priviledge of having a mother. I hope you are able to celebrate that.
I'm glad you're here, and it reinforces the fact that you are trying to 'break the cycle' of your upbringing, and your mother's upbringing, etc....
When I read your post, the first slogan that came to mind for me was "Easy Does It", as instead of struggling/guilting yourself about not being able to fully forgive your mother, why not try a 'baby step' in that process, and for this Mother's Day - just give her your best effort of "unconditional love" for the one day....
Just a thought :)
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I really like the ESH you received. I too struggled with a Mother that was not all that able to be my idea of maternal, but it sure helped me to be that way to my kids and for that I am grateful. My Mom grew up rough and it made her stuck in merely surviving mode and well I have dettached and accept her right where she is. I used to feel like her victim, but as I really looked at what she lived through, I know she did me one better. It was all she had to offer with the tools she had at the time. My Mom still suffers and smokes pot and does God knows what else. I am glad I am here and I know HP intended for me to be her daughter and has a plan for me. For all I have been through I am a strong and compassionate person able to help others that ask. It has taken me a long time to have the dettachment with love I have for my Mom. I had 3 years on and off of counseling to help deal with my childhood and a year and a half of Al-anon and I tell you I feel like a much better person. Be gentle with yourself through the process and feel your feelings, cry, yell whatever get them out and move through them and embrace who you are. I love what Tom wrote above! Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
