The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everybody! I have been dealing with a husband who went through an extremely rough detox in mid March and went to an inpatient rehab program for a good part of April. He has been home for about 3 weeks now. I have tried to pop in here enough to read and keep my hopes grounded in reality but not stick around too much because it makes me realize just how fragile things really are and how bad it used to be. For those who think your A is going to come home from rehab and life goes back to normal because they aren't drinking, I am here to tell you it's not true. This has been so tough. A lot of the crappy traits that became prominent when he was drinking have stuck around. I also am extremely mad over the hurt and debt that he has caused and the guilt and blame that was dumped on me but he seems to not remember it or even be that remorseful when informed of it. He is extremely tired or can't sit still, uninterested in sex or in spending time with me (even though I know he loves me and finds me attractive). I am just sick of the whole situation, sober or not. We have been married for 25 years and it makes it hard to leave but I am not happy. I feel like the whole world revolves around him and I am sick to death of it. I saw 2 posts from users yesterday that left their partners (I believe they were surfgirl and bettyboop) -- Edited by WornOutMrsFixIt on Thursday 10th of May 2012 10:18:33 AM
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 10th of May 2012 01:06:23 PM
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Sending you lots of love and support. It's not easy just because they get sober .. it's going to take a lot of time. Lots of work on himself and lots of work on you, hope you are making it to some face to face support from alanon.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi MrsFixIt, Your post struck a chord - yes it is so much more than being physically sober. I am separated from my AH who was also in rehab last year and is working hard to entirely re-learn his ways of thinking, coping, and dealing with the bad attitude. Last week he said something interesting that he heard in an AA meeting; "Alcohol doesn't always have that much to do with the alcoholic." Meaning, it takes so much more than just stopping the alcohol. Wishing you luck and esh, nyc
the ex A who I was involved with was never interested in recovery on any level. He wanted to use. He made a stab at it one time before I met him that was it.
I waited a while before I decided to leave him. I was with him for 7 years there was a lot at stake. I didn't plan my exit that well.
One of the tools we use in al anon is to make a plan be. When I started looking at what I would need to leave it took my mind off the tremendous resentment I felt towards the A.
You know I wanted to add thank you NYC for reminding me this .. the actual drinking is only a symptom of what is really going on. I always use the iceberg analogy .. if you look at the tip of an iceberg that is the alcohol the physical drinking .. the rest of what no one else sees is underneath the water. That's why it's not just one thing. The biggest program difference I have seen between alanon and AA is this .. in Alanon we are more take your time work the steps be grounded in 1,2,3 before going forward with step 4. Take all of the time in the world to work through this stuff.
In AA it's 1,2,3 however there is a big push to do 4 immediately because if those things aren't addressed the chance for relapse is so much higher. The whole point of AA is to get sober really it's about having the tools if you fall off the wagon to get back on as quickly as possible. Own what's happened and move forward. I'm summarizing from an addictions counselor that told my AH you are going to drink again if you don't have a program of recovery.
You have to do 1 before you can move forward at all in a program of recovery you gotta admit there is even an issue. Going to rehab isn't admitting there is an issue for all addicts .. in some cases it is only used because in the moment it's an issue of the pain for them outweighs that emotional payoff they get from their addiction. Then once they don't drink for a long length of time they don't have an issue.
Again this is what I've taken away from the open AA meetings I attend in connection with the alanon meetings. For me going to these open AA meetings really opens me up to a whole new level of healing. I love these meetings and the folks that attend. It gives me such a different perspective. I still want to kick my AH's butt at least though I'm not thinking of using a steel toe boot now!! Take what you like .. you are totally correct .. sobriety doesn't mean a walk in la la land and all is going to be better. It's truly about the persons' ability to be rigorously honest, open and willing to recover. It's either there or it's not.
The drinking .. is only a symptom of years of distorted thinking. That's why we have to keep the focus on ourselves because we can't fix that kind of distorted thinking. Addiction is the only disease that will tell you there is nothing wrong, and it's everyone else not you that has the issue.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I'm sorry that things aren't going as well as you want. Perhaps in time they will.
My husband's third attempt at recovery has so far been successful. It will be 1 year May 30th. He has his immature ways, but so far, he is open to discussing others ways of responding to things. This wasn't the case for the 1st & 2nd attempt at rehab and then out-patient rehab.
My husband had to nearly lose his life before he saw the light. He suffers from neuropathy, which was caused by alcohol abuse. He is reminded daily of the effects of this disease. Perhaps the discomfort and the limitations that this condition puts on him is a constant reminded. He knows it would only get worse if he picks up the bottle again.
Hopefully, other alcoholics don't take it to that extreme before they see the light.
Take care of you!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Thanks for caring and taking the time to respond! Needless to say, my emotions are all over the place. Glad you all are here but sorry you are dealing with this too.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
