Please help - Father is a severe alcoholic, close to death - Al-Anon Family Group

Kicks611 · Member

Please help - Father is a severe alcoholic, close to death

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Kicks

I am so very sorry that this powerful disease is so very active in your family. I have lived the exact same experience that you have just outlined It is so very painful and I too felt hopeless and powerless.

The truth is this is a devastating illness over which we are powerless. I too called 911 often with the exact same results.

I would like to suggest that you continue posting hee, check out the face to face meetings in your community and if you really feel you need to do something for your Dad, call the local AA hotline in his community Someone from AA ccould make a 12 Step call and as happened with my husband, secure a rehab bed if necessary.

Alanon meetings in your ccommunity can be found at:

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

/meeting.html

In my thoughts You are not alone.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe it is Jerry F on these boards who has said that sometimes folks from AA will pay a call to someone who's on the brink. Rehab would be great but AA is everywhere and free, so it's not rehab or nothing. He could go to AA meetings all day long until a rehab space opens up. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd call the local AA number and ask the person if someone or some people were available to pay your dad a visit. The fact that he was set up to go into rehab means that this would be the time to do it.

Do you have a meeting for yourself? A situation like this requires a lot of support.

My experience of parents' last days is that afterwards you have a lot of regrets, no matter what the circumstances. To some extent that's par for the course, and we just have to realize that our regrets are a sign of how desperately we want to change things that are unchangeable. But also, it's good to fend off those regrets when we can. So if calling the police one more time helps do that, I vote for calling them one more time. It may very well be that nothing you do can alter the course of events. That would just be a tragedy, but sometimes that's all we can do. However, it's important to know that you did what you could, even if you couldn't have an effect. So if there's something you're thinking about doing, like calling professionals, but are hesitating about, I think I would err on the side of doing it.

Please come back and tell us how you're doing. Hugs.

Kicks611 · Member

Hi Hotrod,

I really appreciate your support and the quick reply. My mind is racing, so any advice is appreciated.

I never thought of calling an AA hotline....that might be somewhere to start. Thanks so much for your concern.

Kicks611 · Member

Mattie - thank you so much....I agree that if I'm a little wishy washy about calling and not being sure what to do, calling an AA hotline might be a good first step for me to consider.

I have a feeling that even if someone from AA comes to his home...he will not answer the door...but I'd imagine people are prepared for situations like that - and it's not something I can do myself, being states away from him.

I am so grateful for your advice....I definitely plan to attend an Al-anon meeting in the greater boston area.

<3

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Well one thing you can do is to go to the board here and get to meetings twice a day. There are many people in this program who have lost loved ones and who have been where you are. They can provide not just a shoulder to cry on but a point by point description of what they did.

Of course you have every right to be angry. Of course you have every right to be upset that your father lost his sobriety. Of course you have every right to be fed up, disillusioned, disgusted and fearful.

Al anon can help you with a number of tools, detachment is one of them. The kind of detachment you are looking at is a big undertaking. I know I found detachment was the only way I could sleep when I was beside myself that the ex A would kill someone driving.

I am so sorry your family is going through this. No one should have to. Alcoholism takes no prisoners. I'm sorry your father did not get into rehab and there have been so many calls on your sanity. I do know the book Getting them Sober helped me tremendously. There is a web site around the books too and I think that is a big help too.

I hope you will stick around give al anon a chance. I know its very difficult to stand still, stop and give yourself a break when you are beside yourself with worry and anguish. Lots of us have been there. No one here is going to judge, label or chastise you or tell you what to do. Give yourself a reprieve and try al anon to get support, kindness and some direction.

Maresie.

debhud · Veteran Member

omg! i posted a similar story recently about my AS who is slowly dying. i know how you feel. i just purchased the kindle book, Getting Them Sober. it has helped me to really understand my feelings.

Kicks611 · Member

Thank you Maresie....i plan to stick around; I feel like, at this point, that's really the only choice I have. Reading what people write and post has already been a tremendous help and i no longer feel completely alone. For now at least...

Debhud - I will look into Getting Them Sober. I've seen several people post about this book and I've seen the book in stores, myself. I just never purchased it. Perhaps it's time.

Thank you all.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Kicks - these are the laws for involuntary committment in Pennsylvania: http://www.alleghenycounty.us/dhs/commitment.aspx (Allegheny county law is presumably the same as Pennsylvania law). It would seem you could petition to have him involuntarily committed, but like you said, that doesn't stop the inevitable if a person is determined to kill themselves through drinking.

Active alcoholism (from my personal experience and lots of AA) is always largely about extreme self-centeredness and fear so what you are saying about his "poor me attitude" is par for the course. It is chilling that the combination of that and the substance of alcohol is a literal death sentence for some of us.

My heart goes out to you.

Mark

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you can dive into Al-anon face to face meetings and stick around here at MIP. Take care of yourself and I am glad you are back. "Getting Them Sober" was the best book to read when I first joined Al-anon. Sending you much love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I relate to you wanting to make sure you have done all you can. I remember that horrible feeling inside of being torn to do something but what?

For me I had to let go. It was killing me, and he was choosing to use. I know I did everything I could.

My ex A is very ill and I hear now he is in the er all the time. Sometimes what they need us to do is let go. It's his choice and we really cannot do anything anyway.

We talk to our HP, and know no matter what it will be ok.

Calling to see if someone who is an A is a good resource if you can find someone. But that does not mean it will sink in. We need to remember that drinking like this causes brain damage, they are not the person we might remember.

Its important you take care of you. We never know when they are going to die. I am so very sad my ex AH is still living as he is in torment. Of course I don't want him to die, but really he already has. I had to face that.

Please, please take care of you. You are such a loving person, you are doing all you can. Please don't blame others as everyone has to deal with it in their own way.

Yes that book is great. I still read it for support.

sending you love,debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.