The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband and I have agreed to a ninety day trial separation. I have been gone since April 29th with my two small children. I requested that we only talk once a week at a pre-arranged time. I just don't need his insanity, whether it's in-person or over the phone. Nor do I want to deal with his manipulation. Since I have been gone it seems like he finds a reason to text or call every day. Something stupid usually. He hasn't really been rude but and I know this sounds horrible but just the sound of his voice irritates me and makes me mad. Would it be horrible if I requested that he only text or call in cases of emergency? I just have gotten to the point where I want him to leave me alone.
In my humble opinion, if that is what you need then that is more than fair that you ask for it. This is your time too, to figure things out. If you know that contact with him now is just going to make it worse for you. What you need is what you need and that's ok!
You really need to be good to yourself, and time away can be very therapeutic. I have been separated from my AH since last summer, and while he still sees me and our child on weekends, I sometimes feel I can't handle any more than that. This is after he's been sober for some time now, and I still find myself getting angry and annoyed at him, even over little things. You need to relax and take care of yourself and your kids - and it sounds like you are doing that. Good luck!
I try to remember how ill the alcoholic is. Like Jackie said in one of her post, they have a neon sign blinking "I'm not well"on their foreheads. This does not mean they don't love and they don't miss. They are ill and so I try to pray for my own detachment with love with my focus kept on me but I also pray that eventually they find peace. I remember I can't make that happen, I also don't have the blueprint in what is supposed to happen in life. I spent time away from my AH and it was perfect for me. I needed the time and space and I think boundaries are crucial. We live together now but I spend alot of time alone now. I am very busy with my program and other activities and so is he. Its good but now sometimes, I even miss him. Just a reminder that nothing is ever perfect while the alcoholic is using or not,.. but we can find sanity, whether they use or not.
I'm glad you're here.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
You feel how you feel. This is one of my biggest challenges due to my co-dependency. I always feel i need to justify why i feel the way i do. I know deep down that I really dont need to, but that guilt and shame always comes back to haunt me. I am a work in progress. I completely understand how you are feeling. I asked my husband yesterday to leave our family home. I have 2 children as well.
there are times when I can find any alcoholic really quite irritating to the point of exasperation. There are other times when I can feel compassion for them.
I think the telephone is a really hard one. I know the ex A only called me when he wanted something and now that turns my stomach. I do know one way to stop someone from contacting me is to not respond. Eventually they stop and go away.
Of course its pretty hard to do that. Boundary making is such a hard one because sometimes we are setting ourselves up for failure. I know around certain people the only boundary I can have is silence. If I say to them don't ask me for money they surely will. They don't know any better but silence certainly stops them from asking again and again and again. Choosing our response is so difficult. I tend to go overboard sometimes when I am feeling very very sensitive other times I just have to nuture my irritability.
For me I find having children and this is their dad .. so that part of the deal is a hard one. I'm learning to let go of it, it's hard not to feel disappointed for them. Regardless of how I feel about their dad I did make a conscious decision years ago (not that many .. lol) to have children with him. They are the ones who have to deal with the fall out of it all.
I tend to stick to email, .. texting gets to weird as one or both of us gets defensive and it's hard to have a conversation with someone over the phone who chooses to answer with one syllable words and not participate. I have control over when I send the email, I also can add or take away from it. It's something I will write at the beginning of the week and send close to the time he comes to get the kids that way it's fresh in his mind what's going on. He forgets EVERYTHING!!! I'm constantly hearing you need to remind me which then translates to I'm going to be angry if you remind me even though I asked you to .. lol. Sometimes though I write stuff out and I just don't send it.
It's hard if mixed signals are being sent .. meaning are you only wanting a separation or this is just a transition into the next phase. As the other person on that side of the equation that's hard to understand. Then being an A .. well that's even harder because they don't get what's going on. I think honesty in all situations is always the best way to go .. sometimes there are hurt feelings at least everyone knows where they stand. So boundaries are a good thing.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
