Changed attitudes aid in the alcoholic's recovery - Al-Anon Family Group

sookie · Senior Member

Changed attitudes aid in the alcoholic's recovery

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I've seen it work in other people's lives at my meetings .. at this point was not something I could see through in my own relationship. Maybe if I had alanon way way way back like 10 years ago I might have done better .. unfortunately that was not the case. I also know there are other people here on the boards that have successful relationships with drinking A's and them not working a program as well as people who are currently with their sig others who have a recovery program.

Something that the program has taught me is I don't have to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) my actions they just are .. how someone else including my A takes my new behavior is not on me.

I can also see now to that not making my AH my HP is a really big deal no one else should have to bare that burden of another person's happiness .. so a lot has to do with the fact of allowing the other person to have the dignity to make their own choices and be responsible for their consequences .. I don't know if that makes sense it's the best I've got .. lol.

Take what you like, hugs P :)

surfgirl123 · Senior Member

Sorry to say Sookie but my getting better has not helped my AH to this point - 10 years into it. That said, he hasn't hit bottom yet in my opinion so who knows once that happens what will happen. All we can do is take it one day at a time and take care of ourselves. Take care of yourself, sending you hugs and prayers. sg

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

If my experience, I do believe my on-going recovery has helped my husband's own recovery; he frequently says something along those lines. I never elaborate on his complimentary comments. I just say something like, "Thanks." Nor do I bring it up how the changes in me have impacted him in a postive way, just keep practicing the new me :)

Now, he still has some immature "reactions" to situations. But he readily aplogizes for his abrupt and thoughtless actions. I don't have to drag an apology out of him, either. When he settles down, he is easy to discuss the situation and is quite receptive to consider another way to "respond." I think this is really one of the key areas of my own growth (not reacting to his reactions) has helped him. Moreover, it sure has helped me live a more peaceful life!

I think there are a lot of variables involved. So whether the non'alcoholic's recovery helps facilitate the alcoholic's recovery will depend on the couple.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with Gail and others here, it really depends on the couple. There are so many variables. Like I believe that my AH has a personality disorder(possibly borderline, maybe narcissistic) and also has anxiety, depression, and anger issues. Someone else's A may only be mildly depressed or may not have any of those underlying conditions and those things can assist or take away from recovery depending on the A.

Right now in my own marriage, I am not seeing any change in my AH. Of course, I'm just getting started in working the steps and I honestly feel that he is resisting my change and that he is purposely trying to be difficult and distant and immature. These things don't help me but they sure do give me practice in applying what I'm learning through the program. I guess I am grateful that he's being so difficult as it gives me a chance to develop my coping skills, set and keep boundaries, and learn what I really want out of life for myself and my son. If he was too easy to live with, I may not get a chance to learn those things and my recovery might take longer or may not occur at all.

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

This saying has always sat with me as sort of inconsistent with the Al-Anon ideals. At least what I've personally taken from Al-Anon ideals, which is to say the only person we're responsible for is our own self and there's nothing I can do that will suddenly shift a person to seek recovery. You know... the three C's... I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.

When I come across tidbits like that in our readings it's a bit like a dangling carrot... "See here.. if you work your program, there's a possibility the A will change!"

Huh?

So yeah, seems contradictory in ways.

That's not to say it does not happen, however. In my own personal experience, my seeking recovery for myself and working my program for myself didn't really affect my exAH's choices to drink or not to drink. What was important for me was that I got better, however, and yeah, our relationship changed as a result of that, but it was because I changed my part of the dance.

I have also heard and seen members in program with those exact stories discussed in our readings, though... they changed, the A seemed to respond in a positive manner to that change and they got into recovery.

I would just say, don't go to Al-Anon because you think it might convince the A in your life to get sober if you get better. Do it for you and only you.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Sookie

Since al non does not promise recovery or change in the alcoholic

I always heard that statement and believed that it was stating that:

By my working this program and changing my attitudes I was aiding in my own recovery.

That worked for me

-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 10th of May 2012 01:08:15 PM

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I think getting them sober (the book) helped me to change my attitude towards the alcoholic. I do think its a huge undertaking to think that within a couple relationship things can change.

I do know my own focus on recovery has at times prompted some other people to seek it. But of course since I was controlling then it wasn't good enough for me. Now I'm glad they did it. I also know that expectations are everything for me. If they are an alcoholic they are going to behave like one. How much I let them in my life is very very critical for me. A recovering alcoholic is another matter but even then with sobriety there isn't necessary maturity going hand in hand.

My people pleasing has been such a forefront in my life. There were times when I felt that my recovery was for others. If I got better they would. That didn't happen. But whatever got me to al anon (and I came kicking, yelling and screaming) was a great benefit to me and I had to go down a long dark tunnel to be willing to get here.

maresie.

sarah1979 · Member

Hi sookie,

I can totally Relate to you. I have been going to alanon meetings fornjustover a month now. I find them amazingly helpful and have met some great people there. In my situation, me getting help was the key to my husband starting to accept that things were serious and he couldn't do it all on his own. At times I really questioned whether I was doing the right thing, especially having him make ultimatums like 'it's me or your stupid meetings!'. I continued to attend. At first, my main thought was, if i go to these meetings I will learn how to help him, how to make him get better. I am very early days into the programme but seeing that it is not about that, it's about me. He hated me going initially but after me finding drink in his bag (I know I shouldn't have been checking) he broke down and went to his first aa meeting. Since then things have got immeasurably better. He is going to meetings and also in counselling with a specialist. It's early days and still very hard. My AH is one of the most stubborn men I know, a Vocal atheist and had for years said that AA is rubbish and a cult. I never believed he would go to a meeting or ask for help. Amazing things can happen.

I know it's said that the age a person starts abusing alcohol is the emotional age they remain at until they start the process of recovery. If that's right then I am married to a 15 year old. It's really interesting thatso many other posts nowhere refer to the alcoholics 'immature hehaviour'. That's certainly something I can relate to. I Know it's good to picture the word 'sick' on the alcoholics forehead when they are playing up and behaving totally unreasonably. I've found this does really help, but it's still hard not to get mad yourself.

I really am no expert at all, but I would say that if I hadn't started attending alanon with my husbands full knowledge I was going I don't he would have started to seek help himself. The thought of still being in the old situation with me kissing him not just to be affectionate, but to see if I could smell alcohol on him, no one else knowing what was hAppening and having the huge elephant in the room we weren't talking about makes me shudder.

I really hope you keep getting help for you. Xx

Bargee · Veteran Member

Some advice on this topic please?
Shall I attend some meetings before making the decision to leave my Husband?

sarah1979 · Member

Hi bargee, It's really hard to say without knowing your full situation. If you go to the meetings you'll find that people don't give you specific advice or make suggestions on what you should do. That said, it's so so helpful to listen to people telling their story and where they are now. Some people have been going years, some weeks, some days. It's great to listen to stories where there are similarities to your own situation. Everyone's stories have something in them that you can relate to which will help you feel strong enough to make the right decision for you. I guess because everyone is there for the same reason. They have been affected by someone else's drinking. Do you know where your nearest meeting is? Have you ever been to one before? Only reason I ask is that my first meeting I hated. I thought it was really weird and a strange set up. By the end of it though I'd heard about 8 -10 people speak about their situation and could relate in one way or another to all of them. That's what made me want to keep going. I hope things get better for you. Xxxx

Bargee · Veteran Member

There is a meeting here tonight, but I'm scared of going for a number of reasons.
I don't trust Husband to look after our 3 month old daughter. He has failed me twice now and I promised myself and my daughter he wouldn't get a third chance. She is much to precious.
Also I have been out two nights in a row this week and I am worried that my Husband will get angry and although I am not physcially scared of him, I just don't know if I can put up with another one of his tantrums this week.
I might just leave it till next Friday.
I'll see how it goes though.

sookie · Senior Member

Thanks everyone for the great responses--I definitely crawled through the doors of my first Al-Anon meeting w/o any interest or hope in helping my AH get sober. I was so broken down, lost, and empty that I would have been happiest if he vanished into thin air. I have been gratefully working this program almost 16 months now and it was just nearly every time I hear that phrase during the pre-amble of meetings, I sometimes feel myself give an internal sarcastic grunt or something, thinking "yeah right--whatever!!!" but like I said, sometimes I see a glimpse of it and like Sarah said, I think my AH knows that that I am highly unlikely now to EVER go back to living the "old way" (much like you described...). I think it's true too--it depends on the couple. Time will tell I suppose but in the meantime, I'll do my best to stay in today.

This board is great--thanks!!!!

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