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Ok... So How is it I Can be So Frickin Excited about something and Yet have this Guilt that is Suckin the Life out of me... If this Don't pass by Friday I may just go Bonkers...lol...
Last Night, We had a Meeting on "Expectations, & How we Carry Ourselves as Adults, when it comes to Our "Attidudes & Body Laungage" And I Did Truly... Sitting there Learn a Few things about myself in that Meeting that I had Forgotten or Tucked under that Ugly Rug of Denial...
In my Alcoholic Home, I was Taught to Watch My Gestures, Actions, Emotions, and Fears! I was taught that If it "didn't Fit the Schedule" then there was No Time for It! (Good God... i Do this! "Yet another Light bulb") Anyway! Fear... Ya Tucked away, Never Revealing it because it made you look Weak! And Sadness... well then I Would Upset Someone else because of my Feelings, Happy... Had to be "Appropriate" at the time. "Didnt want to seem to happy or it would be Robbed!", So I Learned to Exist in a World of "OK" Im OK all is OK Nothing is Wrong... All OK! Yet Under Neith the Anixity was Unbelievable... I Remember these Traits from VERY young... It was like we had our own handbook of "Rules" for the Right Emotion... Which Mostly was NONE at all...
So...Yesterdays Excitement-Guilt... I Get a Text that says... "Me & my Daughter are having a Girls Only Weekend at the Ocean & We have an Extra Bed... You Want it!"
It was Almost Like at the same Moment I Was So Excited I wanted to Jump Up and Down... And 2 seconds Later.. "I Can't.. Just Can't, Didn't Plan it, Can't Do It, How would I do A, B, C..... Nope Can't"... So In being Kind, I send a Text back and Say... "Let me know the Cost cause I have to see if I can even Swing it!"
After this Statement I Say something to the Husband, and he looks at me like "Whats she goin to decide... Oh GOD!" and i went back to the Guilt, of Leaving him for the Weekend, Leaving our Son for the Weekend, Taking an Entire Day off Work, Would they be able to take care of the (3) Dogs, & the Cat... And this rant lasted 5 minutes in my Head! "No I Have No Control Issues at All!!!" ...lol... Work In Progress...
So I went back to may chair, with so many emotions over something that should be so simple! A Decission of Yes Or No... And here I Sat.. I whipped out my Books...LOLG... MAY 8th Title: "Giving Ourselves What We Deserve!" lol... I didn't Read ANYMORE... I Text Back & Said... "Cancel the Last Message... I"ll Make it Work... CALL ME!"... lol
So I MADE that Decission! NOW.. I Have to Deal with the Guilt! And its Driving Me Nuts... My Boy is Honestly Happy I Get this Chance, the AHusband.. He says "Yeah.. Go!" but i know I will hear about it for awhile to come! And Frankly I'm OK with that part! But i have NEVER Done anything like this...Had an ALL Girls Weekend with Family at the Ocean!!! and Just Made NO Plans... I don't Know what has me more on Edge... The FEAR of...."No Plans" Or the Guilt of Going!!!
Am I Nuts... Does it Sound Crazy that I Feel this Way over something that Should & I'm Sure WILL be a Wonderful Time! I Mean Honestly... i Think It Could Rain Cats & Dogs, & Just the Fact that I am ANYWHERE but Here would be a Blessing for a Few Days... And ALL Girls! Win Win... All & the "Cost" I was Worried about ... $66.00 Plus 1/2 Gas...lol... For 2 days on the Beach!
I mean I have so Many Issues that Keep Poppin up, Control, Fear, Guilt, Excitement... Tho I am Going "One "Second" at a Time!" My Heart is Pounding Out of my Chest & I Don't Leave till Friday!... I Only have to drive 2.5 hrs by myself & then she's Driven the other and even those 2.5 by myself have me on edge...I am Just A MESS!
So If Your Lingering on Any ESH I would be Grateful... TRULY... This is Crazy... I have been Using Slogans ALL day today... and Still Can't Catch my breathe...
WOW, I love this description of what it is like to live in an A home, I have never seen it expressed so exactly:
In my Alcoholic Home, I was Taught to Watch My Gestures, Actions, Emotions, and Fears! I was taught that If it "didn't Fit the Schedule" then there was No Time for It! (Good God... i Do this! "Yet another Light bulb") Anyway! Fear... Ya Tucked away, Never Revealing it because it made you look Weak! And Sadness... well then I Would Upset Someone else because of my Feelings, Happy... Had to be "Appropriate" at the time. "Didnt want to seem to happy or it would be Robbed!", So I Learned to Exist in a World of "OK" Im OK all is OK Nothing is Wrong... All OK! Yet Under Neith the Anixity was Unbelievable... I Remember these Traits from VERY young... It was like we had our own handbook of "Rules" for the Right Emotion... Which Mostly was NONE at all...
This is exactly how we get trained when we live with someone with the disease, and how quickly we lose ourselves. It is only when we start to feel what we feel and be able to express it regardless of our A do we start to break out. I finally expressed real emotion with my A last night (as I was leaving him) and he simply didn't know how to handle it. I remember a session with our therapist once who asked me 'you seem really calm about all this, don't you ever cry?'; I answered "YES" and my A looks at me puzzled, he says 'you never cry' and I say 'no, I never cry in front of YOU because when I do instead of it being about me and why I'm crying it becomes about YOU and how it makes YOU feel". I still don't think he was able to process what that really meant.
Anyway, go enjoy yourself, you deserve it. Hugs and prayers your way. sg
(((((Jozie)))))...Sister you are going thru this and will go thru this still until you grow out of it. The first two letters of the acronym (mine) for fear are F-alse E-vidence and then our part A-ppearing R-eal. My head and my emotions give it reality where none existed before. You know you are a loving, caring, wonderful child of God...a good mother and wife and person and MIP fellowette(?) fellowini(?) (whats the feminine for fellow)? LOL. When I learned to trust God/HP/Akua I also learned to trust others...I could let go completely and move into the next room knowing the way back.
Yes we are all from the same alcoholic family. Once we learn with an open mind the disease becomes predictable and still we don't have to FEAR it anymore cause we cannot cause it, control it, cure it.
I cannot predict the weather (anymore) and I hope it is great where you and the family are going to be. Your HP will be here, there and everywhere you are.
I have a hard time taking in good stuff. That's why I have to take it in small measures. Self sabatage is my middle name.
I'm glad you got this opportunity. I hope it lives up to your expectations. I also hope it fits in your schedule. I know for me finding time to do self care can be such a hard hard issue. I feel I have to be proving myself all the time that I'm worthy of such attention.
Great awareness, acceptance and action. Seeing it, Knowing the truth and then sharing it here are very big steps in your alanon growth.
I agree with you and all the other members, it does sound as if we all grew up in the same family . Since alcoholism is a disease and the symptoms are the same it would make sense. We are products of the affects of alcoholism on the family
So glad you picked up your tools, processed your feelings and permitted yourself to decide to take the right action.
I am Sorry to Here of Your Split, however I am Grateful you are Taking care of You... I have always struggled with "Honest Emotions" Often I Feel Every one of them are fake...the good the bad or the ugly... I Feel for me I am "Starting" to turn a corner in my life. I was Never one to get excited about gettin older, still dont, because I know 110% that Very Moment Is Out of My Hands... So I Don't Worry about it... So I"m Thinkin if I Borrow that Attitude for awhile on My Life, and be Honest about what is Out of My Control... I may just reach "self" victory... With HP Leading the Run... ;)
Also... I too am a "Closet" Cry'r... Seems Easier to me then admitting they won! Thank You for Being Here...
((((Sookie))))
Thank You... Had a Wonderful Time...
(((((Jerry)))))
1st Brother... Fellowette is On Key ...as for the Gents... I too am Unsure ...lol...
And 2ndly... The first two letters of the acronym (mine) for fear are F-alse E-vidence and then our part A-ppearing R-eal.
I do Believe that now when fear starts creepin this appears to be another tool for my tool bag... "False Evidence Appearing Real"... So thank you... It was Nice Finding You here... I thought of You while sitting on the Beach watchin the Sun Rise above the Ocean...It was Indeed an Amazing Sight to See...
I believe for sure Growth was def. apart of this past weekends Journey... Just the Fact "I WENT" was Growth... So for that I am Grateful... Also we heard of a Festival happening there in the Fall & plan to make a Return visit then.. So guess its time to spit out the fear, and live a little... Don't know were it will lead, however I'm Beginnin to Get Pretty Excited about it anyway.. win lose or draw ;) Thank You ((Jerry) for Always being Honest With Me when I Need it ... Most Grateful :)
((((Breaking Free))))
Thank You I Like that "Breath in positive energy breath out the angst" yet another tool... :) Relaxing was enjoyed at sunset & sunrise, the rest was spent exploring, but Wonderful Time... Thank you also for your Love & Support
((((orchid lover))))
I as Well, as stated... Struggle with being Worthy enough to move forward in a direction that "I" Approve of, and this little Trip was a wonderful Start for me... I Stepped out of the Box, and did something I Never would have done previece to Al-Anon/ACOA and I think planning my next trip is goin to make it even more so, I Left all expectations at home, and Just took Joy & Faith along :) . Thanks to HP & All the Love & Support from my Al-Anon family... Each & Everyone of You Help carry me, even when you are Unaware :) And I thank you
(((((((Hotrod)))))))
Thank You... For always seeing the Good in me...Giving me that Gentle hand across the back along with a little nug...Your Words are always encouraging to me, and I am Very Grateful... One Moment at a Time was all I "Allowed" from my Trip & it was Truly amazing... Thanks to All of you who come here... I Am Forever in your debt...
When i get a little more time I will fill ya's in on the trip ;) Lots of Fun adventure, however for now, I must return to work... Thanks all for being here My Love & Prayers are with you all As we Travel our Journeys together
...as for the Gents... I too am Unsure 
win lose or draw ;) Thank You ((Jerry) for Always being Honest With Me when I Need it ... Most Grateful :)