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OK, I posted this on the adult children site as well. I'm an adult child of an A, my H is not an A but I struggle with the relationship a lot from my past as well as his behaviors too. So I"m posting here for any ESH as well.
My H has been going through a new company takeover/employer at work. I know it is a very stressful process to go through - I've been through it 3 times myself. Many people have been let go - he has been verbally told that he has a job but nothing in writing and they are dumping all sorts of tasks on him without giving him the authority to see them through. All very very stressful things to be dealing with, I understand.
For the most part, I believe he's handled all pretty well - it has not impacted us too much though he is quite detached and distracted - those things I can handle. But he has bouts of anger and frustration where he gets very vocal and loud and directs it at me, sometimes. He directs his anger and frustration at me because I'm the closest thing. Today, before work he got a very upsetting email from a superior - he blew a gasket - he welled up and I could tell he was going to explode. I calmly tried to ask him what happened, what was said etc... he grabbed his things and said he was going to quit his job - he'd had enough etc... I asked him to consider all that's involved before he did that and that we have responsibilities and he said "all you want is for me to keep working until I have a stroke." Which is totally untrue - I just don't want him making a rash decision. I've hated my job for a long time but have stuck it out for the financial need/benefit. I could probably find a lesser paying, more satisfying job but it would put us in a bad position. I hope at one point, I can.
Anyway, my point is whenever something really upsets him or hurts him, whether I'm involved or not I become his proverbial verbal punching bag... he gets loud and says mean things as if it's my fault. My trying to address it with him appears to only fuel his fire - he has a short fuse for temper.
So knowing this and with typical ACoA traits - any ESH on how I deal with my feelings and reactions during these outbursts?
-- Edited by amills4294 on Wednesday 9th of May 2012 10:38:56 AM
-- Edited by amills4294 on Wednesday 9th of May 2012 11:03:18 AM
Feel whatever you want to feel. I know I found myself many times trying to push down my feelings because when I get upset my AH gets even MORE upset, it's like throwing gas on a fire, but what it really does is forces us to push down our own feelings to placate them. I'm not saying what to do or not to do, only you can decide how you respond but it's okay to feel frustrated when they do these things. I often joke to myself that I would love to be married to me: I have been accomodating, supportive, loving, patient, hard working, responsible; all the things he has not been. The key thing is to not get bogged down in resentment, it is what it is. You can set your own boundaries that you won't be insulted or verbally baraged but you have to be ready to act on your boundary - that is the hard part. Good luck, hugs and prayers. sg
I am an ACoA as well, and get triggered into shame when my partner does that. In my relationship, my own anger and boundary setting is simply met with counter anger...my P doesn't seem to understand being in the wrong or being accountable or that someone might be angry....same with needs. Whatever I say or feel always gets "trumped" and it is demoralizing. My P is in crisis too at the moment and I am the outlet for all the pain grief and anger at their situation. My father-in-law was taken uncinscious into ICU last month with a massive heart attack and is still not conscious...my P is dealing with the loss and I am being as supportive and giving as I can be (being the good girl I've always been since childhood for mommy and daddy when rhey are out of control), but I can't do a thing right, I am being a let down, all the feelings are projecting onto me and I am a bit devastated by it. I suggest writing it all down in one of those letters you never send rather than to the person directly when you know you won't be heard and get more of the same. Get it all out and be as sarcastic and angry as you want. Set boundaries in the letter too. I think this changes our energy and the other person picks up on the difference. Boundarys are something inside us about self worth and people know when we've really got em. Much love to you, Tigger x
