The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you. I'm new to these boards; they seem to be great. Thanks for the support you all show each other.
23yo AD made her amends to me today.She is nearly a month into the program and a month sober, though we certainly tried to get her in the program and off drugs/alcohol during HS.(DH took her to meetings and I had her in counseling during most of HS.)I am so glad shes in the program now.My 25yo AS should be, too; weve told him so, he wont acknowledge it and, as Ive been telling AD for awhile now, its his problem.
But now I am in such turmoil. Her amends reopened too many very painful memories.
(long rant not included here about painful and exhausting yrs fighting the kids when they were in HS about drugs/drinking. They went to college (and graduated). I was glad to see them go and glad to have the respite, which I started using for my life and health issues. I withdrew, at least from them. Too bad, I guess, but I'm tired of all their drama and anger. I get more help and fun and do more hugging with their HS friends and my friends than with them.)
Was hearing those amends supposed to make me feel better?!! If she sticks with the program, maybe we can recapture what we lost years ago. I told her the best thing she can do for me is stay in the program. I told her I'll always love her. But then I left and withdrew again. In some ways it feels like the usual painful drama.
The amends are a first step (I don't mean of the 12 steps, I mean of a long process) and not the last step. I'm sure you are wise to be cautious; it's a long road ahead, but very glad she's on it. The left-over emotions are why we can benefit from our own programs and our own recovery. Do you have a meeting? There will be many other people there in similar situations. Moving past the raw feelings is hard but so healing. I hope you can keep coming back.
It sounds to me like you are taking care of you. Keep doing just that. Those memories faded before and they will fade again. Does all this with your daughter give you hope that you will have the white picket fence relationship? Is your hope realistic? Do you feel that you will get sucked in again and you don't want to go back there? I know how you feel about detaching from all the drama.
I know exactly where you are coming from with alcoholic children. As they say, been there and done that. Now I live for myself. However, I am so jealous.....never got an apology from our AD. She is still drinking and and I am at peace with that. It is what is is.
I only wish you serenity and peace. But I urge you to be cautious.....maryjane & Mattie said it all. Take care of ourself and I pray you have found yourself a great Al Anon face to face group.
Aloha Inawhirl...just asking are you attending face to face Al-Anon meetings? I got a hiccup at the part where you told her "the best thing you can do for me is stay in the program". Actually that is the best thing she can do for her and her only. Yes her sobriety will affect every one it comes into contact with just like her drinking and using did however there is sooo much danger in attempting to get clean and/or sober for someone else. It just doesn't work. She has to "get it" in spite of you an other. Her amends also is about her for her. If she did the amends as suggested it wasn't contingent upon whether you forgive her or not. Your reaction could be a blessing if you choose it to be and that means it could cause you to get into your own inventory of what it was like and how you reacted to it. My Alcoholic/Addicts's amends to me came after I did mine to her and to lots and lots of others and I wasn't even in the other room at that time. I am now so my amends were "without alcohol but affected" and then "with alcohol/drugs and affected still".
If you're not attending Al-Anon Family Group face to face meetings I suggest you find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book (Al-Anon) and call to see where and when we meet in your area. That's a blessing accepted.
