The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I told my husband that he had two choices, go to family counseling so we can figure out a way to help my son or he could leave. He was very upset. I didn't want to give any kind of ultimatum but I cannot continue living the way that we are. Obviously this is all my fault. Well mine and my sons as he has already did everything I asked. I said go to rehab, he went. I said to take Zoloft and he did. I said to stop yelling. He did for a little while after rehab. Mind u, I never asked him to start taking Zoloft. He chose rehab rather than leaving.
I am so sick of hearing how he has changed, I'm sorry but I just don't see it. Either my son and I are just too sick to see it, or nothing really changed. He may have been on good behavior for a little while but it didnt last long.
His first initial reaction was to leave. He is still here and I feel awkward yet again.
I need to find a way to go to more meetings.
I hope you are able to find more meetings to go to. I understand how hard this is, what we say do, change, we will never be enough for someone else to decide to get on a program of recovery.
Finding ways to keep the focus on me, finding ways to make my own happiness, that is what has lead me to finding peace and serenity in my own life. It has given me clarity to change the things that I can and the peace to believe that these choices are what is best for me. It really doesn't matter what my A does or doesn't do, .. it is all about what am I going to do. Those questions are the hardest what am I going to do ones because it has taken me forever to even figure out what I like to do, as well as remember the person that I used to be before the insanity infected my life.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It's easy to understand your frustration. I can only share my experience with you and you can take what you like and leave the rest. From my personal experience, when I was "shoulding" on my husband it was coming from an imperfect person telling another person they were unacceptable. I am still imperfect today and always will be. My ex was trying in his own way but I was so righteously indignant over his past behavior, I was incapable of seeing his efforts. He already felt he wasn't enough so my lack of support only rubbed salt into his open wound. I was very new to this program and the higher power was me. I had not turned my will over to a power greater than I could ever be or ever had the right to be in the first place. Instead of imploring a loving God to please be with my husband and guide us both in our thoughts, words and actions, I kept pushing my husband to be "better." It only drove a wedge between us by my trying to force an outcome. I don't really know if our marriage was salvageable with his active addiction but during that open window of sobriety, there was an opportunity perhaps if I had been further along in my Alanon program and capable of getting out of his way, detaching and focusing on my own recovery and life. Maybe you are further ahead in your recovery than I was then. You wrote that you need a meeting. Today, when I need a meeting it's because I have the alanon tools but have chosen to shove the toolbox in the corner. I get up and I go to a meeting. Back then, I simply needed meetings to complain about my husband. I hope it will be a good outcome for you and your family. Keep the faith. Hugs TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I have also ALL too often taken an inventory of my husband's recovery--especially when he got out of rehab (like, shouldn't he be "cured" now?? Hahaha! Um....not even close.) My understanding of my AH is that his self-esteem is *low* and it gets even worse when I judge him. I am actually getting in the way of his recovery rather than helping him.
I try to remember, like is said above--that it is *his* recovery and I have enough work to do dealing with mine (and I am not perfect either). But it is very hard because I have expectations sometimes (try not to, but they pop up) and he is not actually aware of my expectations because they can change on a daily basis.
Part of my work on myself these days is trying to even understand my expectations (what would I require of him to stay in this marriage and honestly, is that even reasonable OR feasible)...and when I am clear on those, I will need to find the right way to communicate them to my separated AH. It is HARD but this program is helping me find peace and happiness no matter what he is doing. OK, for me it is easier because he doesn't live under the same roof anymore but the pressure is on me to decide which direction we are going and he is an expert at manipulating..and honestly, I don't know what I want--especially, like you, when I don't see him recovering at the pace *I* want...so again, these are my expectations of him. *sigh* It is HARD!
Best wishes for peace--I hope you can get to a meeting. I am grateful to have one tonight.
Oh my gosh...can I relate to everything in this thread. It is definitely all my fault in my home too! It gets very wearing and tiring and hurts like hell to be blamed when you know the othr person is projecting like crazy and are not seeing things clearly or rationally. What I tend to do is try to be better, do better and not have any needs, feelings or experiences that will trigger my As. I have to remind myself contstantly that to engage with people's crazy perceptions gets me nowhere fast...except drained, stressed, upset and embroiled in their manufactured drama and transference. I can relate also to "trying to force an outcome" boy oh boy yes. Control the uncobtrollable. Steer the unsteerable. Influence the fixed notions of a person in their own world of destortion. And focusing on my own life? Man...I didn't have a life of my own to focus on I can tell you...barely have now, but slowly building one. I hope you find much support in your situation and the peace to be yourself that you deserve. Tigger x
There was so much crazy talk yesterday as well as a car accident (no one was hurt, the other car was parked)
I feel that I made the best choice right now to have him leave, so I have time to help my son (who believes he is bipolar and has admitted to suicidial thoughts in the past). I asked my AH if he would go to family counseling to see what we can do to help my son. My AH doesnt believe he is doing anything wrong and doesnt feel that he should have to go to family counseling. My kids are #1 to me, and if my AH doesnt want to be a part of my stepson's life, then he has to go. It was one thing when his verbal abuse was just affecting me, but I have now come to the realization that it is affecting my children too (it has been for a while, but I was too blind to see it). Talking with my son's school counselor has really opened up my eyes. It is time for me to concentrate on my recovery and be there completely for my children.
I just need some time and space to clear my head and focus on me and my kids.
