UGH!!!!! Now what? - Al-Anon Family Group

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

UGH!!!!! Now what?

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

So, I was just posting about guilt right? I just got out of the shower and he has a dozen roses on the kitchen counter in vases for me! 6 red and 6 white.

And, the first question in my mind is: how did he get said roses??? I'm assuming he drove to the grocery store! So, how do I respond? Gratitude for the effort and for the flowers or anger about the fact that he's not obeying his suspension??? UGH, and UGH again!

Dolly Llama · Senior Member

Just enjoy the flowers?

I don't mean to sound trite, I do understand. This disease colors even the "nice" things alcoholics try and do for us.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, I did say thank you for the flowers but then I asked, "Did you get them delivered?" And, of course, he had this sheepish grin on his face and said, "If breaking the law is what I have to do to prove my love for you, then it was worth it." UGH! Yeah, that makes me feel a lot better now so I guess I didn't handle things very well, did I?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds to me as if he really has manipulation down to a fine art. A way to demonstrate his real love would be to respond to your concerns by not breaking the law and driving. At least that was my first thought.

I imagine we'd all have different ways of responding to this, and there are many program ways to do it. My impulse to chew his head off probably wouldn't be one of them. I look forward to others' responses.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you, Mattie, as this was the first word that popped into my head. My impulse was to chew his head off too, but I bit my tongue and said: Whatever, and then I said the flowers are lovely, thanks again. I walked away without another word.

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

When my soon-to-be exAH invited me to a very expensive dinner for my birthday earlier this year (he is pretty much broke, by the way), I told him thank you for the sentiment but that I would prefer that he use his money to take care of himself . Not sure if this is helpful or not, but I remember Jerry F. telling me at the time when I posted about grandiosity being a common character defect in alcoholics. Kind of like the A saying, "Look how nice I was to her, and look how ungrateful she is to me."

Blah, blah, blah...

So I might suggest that you say, "I really appreciate the sentiment, but I really would prefer that you don't take risks by driving right now to do something nice for me." Just a suggestion....

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I thought of saying something like that, too. Yet, he's getting a ride with a friend tomorrow to go play tennis. I don't get it. One day he breaks the law, the next day he's all about obeying the law so if I say something like that he'll remind me that he isn't going to be taking a risk TOMORROW. It's his constant merry go round that I get caught on and I'd rather not bother with riding it this week, quite frankly.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My first thought was, well we are not their parents. He chose to drive, he is a big boy and knows the consequences if he gets caught.

Is this your car? If it is I kept my keys hidden. Just is not our job to be the A's babysitter.

I would LOVE and appreciate the flowers. This is a huge reason why detaching is huge. We can let go of the bolony and just love them and appreciate the time we have them.

hugs,debilyn

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

my response...another example of crazy town...

makes me want to sing that kids' song "into the air, junior space cadets..."

once my exA bought a $15K boat online and "surprised" me with it...

we couldn't afford it...and he bought it sight unseen from 2000 miles away...

and WHY wasn't I HAPPY about it? clearly because I am a angry, limited person...

OY. Crazytown. "into the air junior space cadets, fly high and free!"

Hang in there...and we SO get the ambivalence...

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, if your husband is an active alcoholic, he is indeed setting the "right" example, he is likely setting the example of an active alcoholic, that seems right to me.

I didn't like it either, I hated it. But I finally surrendered to my powerlessness to change it because I made myself crazy by resisting it. My son is now an adult, and will graduate from medical school this weekend. His dad often takes him out for drinks, cigar bars, etc. etc. The reality is, my son's father is an active alcoholic. An alcoholic who by cultural standards is a big fat success because of his big fat paycheck. My son qualifies for al-anon and ACA. He may crawl through the doors one day, just as I did, should he ever reach a bottom. And he may not.....

It helps me to remember this, no one has the power to make another an alcoholic, my son either is or he isn't. My husband cannot cause, control, or cure it.... if my son becomes alcoholic. He is powerless, as we all are. My alcoholic parents set terrible examples, just terrible. But we all turned out okay.

The up-side is this!!!!!! My son has a mother in recovery who is also an "example" in his life! He often phones me with his problems, and with gratitude, today, I have something true to offer. He can see there are other ways to handle problems, rather than drink, or whatever. Al-anon has improved all of my relationships, but the relationship with my children.... is priceless. All the al-anon "work" has been paying off beautifully and for that, I will never stop singing praises.

All shall be well, ILD. Keep trusting Higher power, keep taking care of YOURSELF, whatever that looks like.

-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 9th of May 2012 01:13:27 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You didn't say anything wrong. This is about his behavior and not yours really. The issue for you is to not obsess over what he does. You expressed concern but you didn't blast him 500 times for it. The desire to not have anyone in the family breaking laws is a reasonable boundary and you can express that. I guess it just becomes a problem when your boundary keeps getting crossed and you obsess over it.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, pinkchip, I am obsessive and I need it to stop! Seriously, it consumes me and I can at least acknowledge that now. I know it's a first step, but I have a long way to go. I just wis that I could let him be his miserable self and NOT let it affect me. It's so hard, though, because he is ALWAYS home. He works from home and I homeschool so we are around each other way too much. I am considering getting a part time job in the fall and doing some volunteer work at my son's homeschool co-op group because those things will get me out of the house more. I currently play tennis, go to the gym, and take a few yoga classes but I need something to provide me with some self-worth and I feel that a job(other than homeschooling and raising our son) will do that for me. I mean, I used to be stockbroker and worked crazy hard long hours and now I feel like a lazy unmotivated person. I sure do have a long way to go!

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

You have handled things sooooo well by not reacting, I applaud you! Pre-recovery behavior is anger and rage, that's what we practiced before we found al-anon and found it did not work, it did not bring us serenity. But you are now practicing self-control, what amazing progress!!!

Your post reminds me of the Serenity prayer, you are developing the courage to change the things you can. I think it's a wonderful idea for you to take care of yourself by getting out of the house, it will likely bring you more peace. That is a good-looking boundary from where I sit, it says, I have to remove myself from this, I have to physically detach. A boundary is about NOT setting rules for anyone but me. It's about knowing my limits and honoring them.

Expectations are a totally different thing, you can expect that everyone in the house shouldn't break laws, I have that expectation too. But we can't expect anyone to agree with us, or listen to us. The spiritual response is to live and let live. You are are doing that, you are getting on with your life by seeking some serenity outside the house for YOU. I have my inspiration for the day! Thank you, my friend!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Glad Lee for making me feel so much better by being an inspiration. It's not something I can quite believe about myself yet, but I am getting there. Thank you for reminding me that I can live and let live. It would be so much easier if we didn't have a 13 year old. He sees dad do these things and it drives me batty that my AH chooses to not set the right example and that's where my red flags go up and I need to pause. I literally have to take a deep breath and ask myself: How important is it?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Deciding that you will not have certain behaviors in your vacinity is a boundary and not a rule. For me, I will not have active alcoholism in or around me and that is my boundary. If it's not respected, I will leave. It's not a "no drinking rule for others." It is for me. As far as law breaking - Well I might be more flexible on that one - I don't know. It depends on the law. I don't walk in your shoes or your husbands, so I don't know what's right for you or him. I do support your confidence and spiritual growth though and I'm inspired by it. It's about morals and what you consider being true to yourself and your higher power.

Live and let live is a good thing to focus on when I'm dealing with people who are not so involved with me and whose choices have no power to really hurt me. It's not the spiritual thing to do all the time though. I would not live and let live with behaviors that are unacceptable for me or that could hurt me if I let them go on in my presence again and again. What you consider acceptable versus not for you is between you and your HP though.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 9th of May 2012 08:29:22 PM

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