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Three weeks ago my AH, while holding our toddler daughter, slammed me in a door several times, pushed me out the door, and locked me out of the house while he had her inside. I called the police, and filed a report. Apparently they were supposed to arrest him, and not even ask me what to do. They asked if I wanted to press charges, I said "I don't even know," I just wanted them to get my baby back. I now wish I had said yes, and filed for a protection order. This is probably the 6th time since August that something has happened (grabbing, pulling, screaming in my face, yanking, kicking my things around, etc).
He came back the next day - and surprised me outside my window when I got in my car. We talked, I asked him to move out for an unspecified amount of time, and to get anger management therapy.
He has been staying with his parents. Of course, he is "making progress" according to his mother. Won't tell me whether or not he is getting anger management therapy (so that I can feel safe enough to let my daughter spend the night with him). His mother says whatever therapy he is getting is "legitimate." I told him to let me know anytime he wants to visit with our daguhter, and we make arrangements, but I asked him not to pick her up from daycare. When he comes over to visit her, I have another family member here as well, and I leave.
I am praying, going to meetings (as I can, not often enough nearly), doing my reading, and getting at least one counseling appointment weekly. But, struggling at work to focus and complete tasks, and have spent a great deal of time being fearful of what he might decide to do next. I am so close to filing for divorce. The worst part is, I know what this pattern says: I am in a domestic violence situation. I have spoken with DV hotlines, a lawyer, and an advocate. WHY DO I STAY? I start to feel strong, and then terrified again: of my AH, of whether or not I can make this on my own, of my own self-judgments. I got myself into this situation, and even my AH will blame me for his outbursts - I sometimes start to believe it. I am in this because I don't believe I deserve better.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Oh, klotus, this is too much... You said "I am in this because I don't deserve better." Please look at what you wrote, and imagine speaking these words to someone who is a friend. Wouldn't this be the cruelest thing to say to her?
At my meeting tonight, I heard these words a few times, and it's really sticking with me: "You didn't cause this. You can't control it. And you can't cure it."
Please be kind to yourself. You're going through so much!
hugs, so glad to see an update from u! So sorry ur struggling. For me doing the foot work is what helps me through these times. Knowing what my rights r knowing that I can act if I need to; knowledge is power. I'm so glad to hear ur doing what u need to do to stay safe and keep that baby girl safe. Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
K - It's not an easy situation - If it were thousands of women per year would not find themselves in these types of scenarios. Part of your self-esteem being low is because he strategically made it that way so you would not get empowered enough to leave. The rest of it is on you and you are making some brave choices already.
Everyone would want to make a relationship with the parent of their child work. Everyone wants that perfect american dream family. It sucks so bad to have to come to terms with it not happening (at this time). Furthermore, people do change and we want to believe they can stop being angry, violent, an alcoholic - In the rare instances when those things do change though, it's because the person wants it so bad, and even then - residue of those behaviors and tendencies remain.
I cannot tell you how much I hope you continue reaching out...Obviously you do deserve peace, love, happiness, and serenity.
Thanks to all of you for the ESH. I need the support.
I hear what you are saying about empowering myself. Today I am wondering what it is that I cannot let go of - I feel VERY exhausted, and unable to concentrate at work (for about a week now). I don't know what is keeping me from taking the final step, and filing for divorce. The hope that he may change, because maybe his therapy will work? It's as though I know the answer (leaving), and literally cannot do it.
I feel stuck, in pain, self-judgment, and mostly fear. I need to be able to move out of/through this, acutely. I wonder if I need to go on an antidepressant for the short term.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
KL, big big big hugs, .. something that I have had to come to sheer grips with is the fact if nothing changes ... nothing changes .. talk is talk, .. if he's not working a real program of recovery where he's owning what is going on instead of making excuses. I'm going to go out on a limb and say .. nothing has truly changed.
I always hear around the AA tables about the fact that all of the good intention in the world is not going to mean jack if there is no action put into play. Suit up and show up is an AA saying however I think that goes for life in general.
Shoving you, ... grabbing your child out of your arms, .. locking you out of the house so you have no option except to call the police. That is not someone who is working a program of recovery.
I'm not going to say leave him now or stay with him forever because some day he may get better. The real deal is this .. is this behavior that you can live with for the rest of your life? Either answer to that is this you have a tremendous amount of work to do on you. If you leave or if you stay. It's not an easy road to walk .. the scariest thing is the unknown. At least it is for me, .. having those kinds of threats hammered into you for so long I am so proud of you for calling the police and sticking to a really hard boundary about your child.
I hear a lot of fear (rightfully so) in your original post. The pill deal you need to figure out for yourself. Personally and this is me, I have made a decision not to go on any only because I know there are things I can do for me that make me feel better. Working in the yard, exercising and so on, the sun is beautiful out today. After watching what they have done to people around me my mom, spouse and a few friends I will go ahead and continue to do what I need to do, I have to have a clear head and pills don't do it for me. I've tried and it was pretty scary a while back.
Do you have a sponsor? That right there really helps especially when it comes to doing program work.
Keep coming back it does get better, you will figure out the answers that will make you feel most at peace. It may not be easy answers, however they will be yours and you will known what is right for you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I stayed for 7 years through so much turmoil. It is so hard to make a decision when you are exhausted. It is also hard to deal with the police, his family and all the adult stuff being put on you. Whatever he is doing he isn't being responsible and adult about it. Maybe he can't because his disease has taken him so far.
The thing is beating yourself up doesn't help. How hard it is to be kind to ourselves. I blamed myself for so long about how long it took me to leave the ex A. By the time I left him I was penniless. I left our dogs with him, (technically one of them was his) and he proceeded to neglect them, abandon them and at times stop feeding them. I had no idea he would do some thing like that. I felt so responsible for his life and completely unable to make a decision in my own life.
The issue is I came to al anon and got help. I found dealing with DV staff and people pretty hard because their one mantra was always to leave and that was it no other option. I also felt judged. I can't say I found that helpful at all. Eventually I got a counselor who helped me to brainstorm what I needed to do.
I can well understand its very hard for you to focus at work. The stress invovled in something like this is off the charts. Taking care of ourselves is such a very very difficult thing to do.
I know you are in the right place coming to al anon. I know al anon helped me to walk through what was the next thing I needed to do.
I'm glad you are here and reaching out for support, care and guidance. Its all there in the tools and steps and no one is going to censor you for being so stressed out.
Yes, yes, and YES - thank you for the feedback. I am amazed at how much you are able to relate, and share. I guess I'm not alone afterall.
Though no questions are stupid, I feel I am asking one: How do I know what is/is not my fault? I have moments where I miss him, or feel badly about things that have happened - e.g. if only I hadn't badgered him to give me my daughter while he walked off his frustrations, if I hadn't gotten scared and started crying, if I hadn't been so fearful and frustrated with him, well then maybe none of this would have happened. I am sensitive and stubborn - on that day, I had had ENOUGH of his crap. We had been bickering - when he angrily slammed a door and walked out in the middle of a discussion (because he didn't want to be annoyed by my opinion), he snatched up my daughter. I knew he was angry, and I knew he knew that taking her would trigger something in me (mother's instinct?). I followed, and pleaded with him to give her to me while he walked...
It escalated - He put his fist in my face several times and told me to get the *&^^ away from him - the rest is as I said it was, slamming the door on me (or slamming me into the door frame), pushing me out and locking me out (all the while holding my screaming daughter).
It makes me so sad and angry even now. HOW could he do that to me? To my daughter?
I just feel I have so very much work to do. I am so drained and deteriorated from this relationship. How is it possible that I miss him at times? Why do I want to believe what his mother says - that he can change?
So many emotions, I just pray I can work through them.
Thanks for listening.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Praying for you, too. You have to know, tuly believe, that this is not your fault. You cannot control if you FEEL SCARED or FEARFUL--that is an automatic reaction that your body kicks in due to circumstances, and from what you have said on these boards--your reactions are *human*. You and your daughter deserve to feel SAFE and peaceful--it is everyone's birthright. Hoping Al-Anon helps you find the answers in time--you do not need to decide anything until you are ready. Just take it one hour at a time, focusing on feeling safe, sane, and healthy. You can do it and you are definitely not alone. Be gentle on yourself and focus on what *you* need. (HUGS)
If you had a best friend ask you that question "what is and what is not my fault" .. how would you answer her? If, in the future, heaven forbid, your daughter came to you asking that question.... what would you say to her????
I doubt it would be "well honey, you saw what your father and I did and lots of that was my fault so you go back home and do the best you can with that man, and take your young child with you now and be good"
I think it would be more along the lines of "Honey, no one asks for that treatment, it is unacceptable no matter what you did, and it is not healthy for your baby either... you get out of there the best way you know how"
If someone did something to really get under your skin and make you angry.. would you find it acceptable to slam them in a car door? Would you find it acceptable to slap them about because you are angry and that is justified? For me, that type of response was perfectly normal in the past. I saw it growing up, I saw others go through it, I went through it, I got into physical fights with females and I always physically fought back against my abuser. So... that was a normal part of life... Now that I am free of it all... NOPE.. IT IS NOT normal/average/acceptable/usual/common whatever word you want... it is not the average relationship status. It just was amongst the people I associated with. I see now that is because for others, the behaviour was unacceptable so they didn't hang around us, so I didn't see any other role being modelled.
I was in a domestic violence situation for many years and I know it is not easy to get away from it. They purposefully confuse us to thinking some of it was our fault. For me, I see some of it was my fault. It was my fault I didn't get out the first time I had a blood nose, my fault I didn't tell anyone about it in my immediate contacts, my fault the only way out I saw was a suicide attempt. It was NOT my fault that I 'coaxed him into it', "i egged him on and pushed him over the edge', 'I was so hard to live with and never did as I was told'.
I can't say that stuff still does not affect me life.. it does... but I never asked to be kicked, punched, strangled or my hair pulled that was NOT my fault. That was HIS fault.
My Mum had a saying which she even said to me back then "hit me once you are a fool, hit me twice and I am a fool" She was saying that it was my decision to get out cos it had happened more than once. My Mum was a tough love advocate. (she was also a fool by her own definition)
Mate, this is my experience, I am wishing you the strength to do the next best things, and I hope you find a way to serenity for you and your daughter
