The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Feeling weepy today. MY separated AH and I took our girls out of town for a vacation. I thought he had been sober for a few months, but then the day before we left--he was slurring his speech on the phone from work...and reeked the next day of alcohol. He just stared out the window in silence for most of the car ride. I stuck to my program, didn't ask him what happened.
But for the whole weekend...we were actually a pretty "normal" family. That dirty word. It was so hard to come home--have him leave for his apartment after my kids were asleep, because we are lying and not even telling them that he has another place. (A counselor told me not to say anything to them until we knew if it was a permanent situation....it's been 9 months now)
I thought I was OK, and then WHAM, I realize I am hanging on to the dream still. I think I have been living with one foot in denial and I don't know what to do. I realize I still badly crave a family for my kids and a partner who is emotionally available and trustworthy. But that isn't my life and...I guess I do know that I am right where I should be and grateful he is not in this house if he is still drinking and can't talk to me about it. I AM SO GRATEFUL I found this program. Thanks for listening.
I can relate. I lived through a few of these horrible times like I am going through now, and when he got sober I thought for sure it was the last time and it would last. I still have twinges of thinking "maybe this time." But, he never did it for his ex wife and children, why would he do it for our life? I don't think he really wants it. And when he goes on these binges, someone always feels bad for him and helps him. It such a pattern. I even accepted an engagement ring with him having less than one year sober, and made all kinds or wedding plans. Big time denial. I think it's normal for us to have hopes and dreams of having a normal husband. And when we get moments of it, weeks or even a year, we think it's all going to be ok. =( (But, we still hold our breath.)
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Ok, I got a good chuckle out of Pushka's fence straddling analogy! I get the meaning of it, but the visual is quite funny, LOL! I am reading a book called "Love is a Choice:Breaking the Cycle of Addictive Relationships" and he talks about how codependent people have magical thinking. Part of that magical thinking is DENIAL. We really do believe that: this time he/she will quit for good. This time he/she isn't lying. This time he/she won't abandon me again. You get the picture. I am sorry that you are dealing with his continued lies and drinking, but once you open your eyes to what is really going on then you can start facing reality and stop straddling that dang fence, LOL! Sorry, I just had to go back to the fence analogy, thanks Pushka!
-- Edited by ilovedogs on Tuesday 8th of May 2012 09:47:20 AM
I hate and I do mean hate that whole illusion of normal there is a part of me that thrives on it (that's the part that gets sucked in) then there is the part that I feel angry when we are so normal together. Normal is a relative term as well so think in degrees of normalcy.
It's so ok to enjoy those moments I wish I had been in a better place to enjoy them .. it hurts though to see how this disease tells us all how normal everything is and it's just so not, it's not even 1 degree normal. Boy oh boy .. that 1 degree can feel like a million degrees when those moments do hit.
Someone says here maybe, .. or maybe I've heard it around other tables .. you have one foot in dreams, one foot in fantasy, straddling the fence of reality and it just doesn't work well because all you can do is crap all over reality. It is said a little different however it can be applied to your situation.
The whole hanging on to a dream thing .. totally normal .. just remember that you are processing things and it's hard to continue to live as a family and live apart while pretending that the family thing is happening.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks everyone. I think I just need to prepare my self for some difficult conversations. I know I need to just make a decision...it isn't fair to any of us all feeling like we are in limbo. Going to a meeting tonight, too so that will help my frame of mind.
