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It wasn't a terrible day, but the last 3 Sunday's I have answered the phone knowing it will be my exAH wanting to come over and have breakfast with us, since he knows I make a big Sunday brunch for the girls and I. He knows we are moving in early June and so I have let him slip in and spend time with all of us before we move. I am not sure why (guilt perhaps?) that again I am leaving him. I fall into some sad thinking from time to time.
Anyway I met him outside of my house when he pulled in and noticed an open beer in the drink holder, I said that makes me sad and he said he only does it on Sunday mornings after a late night Saturday. I said okay then and he followed me inside. We had breakfast with the girls all was well, he ran my 14 year old to horse back riding with her grandpa and all seemed fine.
Fastforward to 7:30pm exAH calls and wants to come over and take a walk with my 4 year old and I down my private lane. I know he is bombed and that he has drank all day and was still going from the night before, but I don't say no because I know he has no one else and he has already lost us. He was plenty pleasant and chatty and all went well, but I feel like I am condoning him drinking and driving back and forth and now twice in one day. I told him he honestly worries me and he just said he was doing better than a few months ago. Not for me to judge I know. This disease is so sad and well after I move atleast I won't have to see this happening anymore so close up. My kids pay the biggest price and for the 2 days he has them he is white knuckling until they come back to me. I will and can take it as it comes, but this freaking disease has such a hold on this almost 40 year old father of 2 that I worry about this ticking time bomb, he is a shell of what he once was. I know Let Go and Let God! Sending you all love and support on your journey's!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Yes, not so fun. If he is anything like my ex-AH, he is not white-knuckling on those days either, even if he says he is. You sound sad, and certainly it is sad, but remember not to feel too sad for him -- he has chosen it all and it even sounds as if he is getting everything he wants, family time but not too much responsibility, plus all the drinking he wants. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
Hugs bf, you worked a very strong program. I so understand what u r saying about the disease and the grip it has on the people we love/d. It's not fun to watch someone cycle through. Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Ya, the drinking and driving would be a huge concern for me. That's a huge sign of BAD.
-- Edited by Dolly Llama on Tuesday 8th of May 2012 10:03:09 AM
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
I reread this and know I need to get my tough loving strong woman back. This move has me all stirred up and I am regressing with him. I hate feeling so darned weak! It feels like victim making at it's finest. I divorced him, but am letting him again walk all over me and I am the one worrying about him again! Okay I get it I am sick, I visited with my sponsor last night and thank God for her! Alright I am strong, powerful and no one deserves my time, space or energy without my permission. I am getting my big girl britches on and stopping this insane trip to crazytown today. Thanks for all the support MIP! Sending you all love and support today!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I was always a push over around drunks. I think the boundary stuff is hard to keep up. I know a man in early recovery right now who is struggling with so many issues, getting his drivers license, money (his unemployment is about to end). I could step in and I know where it would go.
Getting to self preservation doesn't happen overnight. For me the key to self preservation is that I won't do anything to harm my dogs. They already suffered enough. I have to maintain a reasonable life for them.
These days I no longer need to be needed. For most of my life I did.
