The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here but have been reading the posts on this site for a while now just haven't felt brave enough to make a comment yet.
Don't even know where to start...
I'm living with my alcoholic boyfriend for 2 and a half years now with our 2 year old daughter. I am unemployed and financially dependent on him trying to find employment. He pays the bills and I basically do everything else. He doesn't help take care of her and ever since the warm weather has come in, he has been out golfing continuously. Hasn't really been home except for late at night when she's already asleep and off to bed he passes out.
I don't allow him to drink in our home and really try to get him to stay away from me when he drinks because he harrasses me, won't leave me alone, follows me around, starts fights, gets really loud. But even when he's away or just out drinking in the garage he is bombarding my phone with text messages. I try not to give in and argue with him or lose my temper but he is very provoking and good at getting a reaction out of me.
I get so frustrated on how much he misses out with our daughter and doesn't help out. I feel like a single mom minus the part of having to pay for anything and I am grateful he does provide for us until I find some work. I don't get much of a life to get out because I don't feel comfortable leaving her with him and have only 1 sitter I can trust leaving her with.
He put me through hell with my pregnancy and things have been up and down. When they are good, they are great, when they are horrible, its hell. So hard dealing with this with a child and being financially dependent on him. He manipulates everyone. Everyone thinks hes such a great guy when really he has verbally and physically abused me at times, alot of verbal abuse, I feel like he is a monster. I know its the disease talking but now it's not just when he's drunk its when he's sober too.
Doesn't appreciate me or make me feel special anymore. Alcohol and his friends are more important. He tells his friends I'm insane and it hurts like hell. They think i'm crazy and that he's not an alcoholic and that I just go on shopping sprees and have a life of a woman who goes shopping and off to the spa everyday. They are completely ignorant. By the age of 29, He has been to three rehab facilities, attempted suicide, 2 owi's, inpatient and outpatient therapy, been on medication, been to AA. He has nearly died twice now and is a walking miracle. I swear he has 9 lives and soon his luck will run out. I am afraid he will never quit and will either wound up dead or in jail.
I feel someone must really like him above and is saving him from his consequences. I have tried doing the Al anon readings and going to Al anon but haven't gone back since I didn't like the meetings I went to. I have the book getting them sober. He calls into work constantly and his boss hasn't let him go because he doesn't show up alot either so he basically bribes him by not firing him. He drinks and drives all the time. I have called the police on him twice in the last 3 mos, the one time i locked him out of our apartment and he was beating on our glass patio window so i just called the police and they arrested him for a public intox and felt he was a danger to us. The second time was recently because he was terrifying me. He still just keeps drinking. Nothing changes. He gets no consequences for his actions and brainwashes everyone that he's a great guy despite the way he abuses me.
I'm such a mess. Im miserable. I want to leave but for some reason I think I need to stay and make things work. I really have no where to go and nobody to help us out financially and I have 2 cats so I feel like I need to continue till I get a job at least but then buying furniture and everything else along with getting an apartment? It's so much to do. I have tried talking about our situation to people but nobody seems to get it or understand. My mom is very ignorant and we have a toxic relationship and his parents are aware of the situation but want to detach from him his drinking all together which i can't blame them for at all.
I need somebody to talk to who gets what I'm going through and who can give me positive encouragement. I'm an emotional rollercoaster.
I can relate very very much to what you are saying. First of all if he is abusive to you that's an abusive relationship and you can get counselling and help from a battered women's shelter. At the very bottom line you need a plan if he escalates to physical violence.
I know deeply and on every level what it is like to live with an alcoholic who is parasuicidal as you describe. I also know unfortunately what its like to live around them because I live in a neighborhood where there is a lot of addiction and alcoholism. That certainly affects me.
Al anon can help you with a lot of this. I didn't like meetings at all for a long long time. In fact when I first went to meetings I was really upset because I didn't relate at all. Then I found this board and its been a lifeline to me ever since. You can certainly go to meetings on this board, they are twice a day. You'll hear a lot of experience strength and hope there. Eventually you'll hear your own story and that is so so helpful.
No one here is going to tell you to stay or leave. I do know that I got such help, empathy and care from this board that it saved me from totally going under so many times. I also know that there are many many people who've found themselves in your same situation who walk through it, the finances, the overwhelming dread, the fear something else could happen and more.
You're very welcome here. I'm glad you reached out for help because you deserve it.
I know you mentioned you didn't like the meetings, but I would really like to encourage you to try again. Get to at least six meetings as close together as possible. This is a great way, too, to find a group that you feel more in-tune with, as every meeting has its own unique atmosphere. The other thing I'd encourage you to do is to start looking for a sponsor. For me, when I looked for a sponsor, I looked for someone who to me appeared to have lots of experience with working the steps and who also exhibited the peace and serenity I so desperately wanted for myself. A sponsor is someone with whom you can reach out to and call when a meeting's not available, and when quick feedback isn't available here on the forum.
My exAH was verbally abusive himself. I can tell you it was heart-breaking living with that behavior. I found myself many times wondering who this stranger was that I had married. I am glad to hear you're taking steps to take care of yourself.
When I first went to meetings my 14 year old was just a baby and I didn't like them at all. It didn't make sense and all I heard was people complaining about their A's. Now all these years later I have attended enough meetings this lat year and a half that I get it and want more of it. I would keep trying the face to face Al-anon meetings and keep coming back here. Read all you can get your hands on Al-anon literature is so eye opening to me, how much I relate to other people. I took me a long time to become self sufficient or even believe in myself enough to believe I was worthy or capable, but you are. Al-anon has given me the knowledge and power to do the things I wanted to do. I hope you can dive in for you and your little one! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you for your encouraging responses back. The problem I have is trying to balance time out. When to find time to read the literature and now when to find time to go to meetings. There just never seems to be enough time in the day to get everything I want accomplished even being at home with my 2 year old. I have been stuck in this pattern of getting into it for a while and things will be better and then I don't make time for it and then something happens and I'm back at square one. I need to make a point of making it apart of my everyday life but I also feel like I need to get counseling to deal with what's going on because I feel like lost, confused, and scared and my self esteem is at an all time low. Is there such a thing as a counselor of some kind that understands disease and addiction and al anon? I just have lost myself.
