The material presented
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If God even exists I hate him right now. He has pushed me too far and given me too much to handle. And for what? So I can learn another stupid lesson and develop another strength, another tool? Ok fine...I totally get that, but why does it all have to be so difficult and usually involve some kind of suffering? Ah but, I hear some clever clogs say...it's only your lack of acceptance of what is that is causing you to suffer...your resistance...your choices. Well ok partly, sure, but why do the lessons have to be so harsh in their presentation? I think that if God exists he has a cruel streak. Or am I transferring the neglect and hardship of my parents as a child onto God? I am sick of this...I have been suffering since the day I was born and it seems there is no end to it except in death. I guess it's showing that I feel pretty dark today and I'm cold and lonely. I need comfort and there is none. Tigger x
I have repeated those words often during my early days in alanon and even later when given a difficult road to walk.
I was told that God understands and still loves me. I sm being held and loved and will be guided.
I may not understand God's ways while I am still walking on this earth. and I am reminded of the Bible quote to the effect that :"My ways are not your ways and may thoughts not your thoughts.
Stay in the moment, in the day . Try to find a meeting,- know that this too will pass and that the courage, wisdom, fortitude, and patience that are earned in this processes are worth more than gold.
I spoke those words too, my friend. Betty offered great ESH, trust the process.
I am here to tell you that when I thought my life was falling apart, it was actually coming together. What was, had to be re-built because it was NOT working for me. It was painful, yes. It helped me personally, to go to as many meetings as I could, so that I didn't have to do this alone. I was in the middle of a divorce, I was alone at home and it was dangerous for me to isolate, my sick mind could not cure my sick mind.
Whatever your problems, there are those among us who have had them too. Keep an open mind, you will find help. I will tell you something someone told me after EVERY meeting, she was an old-timer with a quality 16 years under her belt, she said, "It's going to get better." With tears, I would demand, "you promise?!!" lol
Yes, she was right. It is going to get better because working this program works. It really does.
Trust. HP's timetable is seldom mine, I want things NOW. Be patient. And whatever helps you feel peaceful, choose that today. Get quiet, get still. ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Big hugs I understand as well what you are saying. You know .. it's ok to get mad at HP. Something I have heard around the tables is that we may let go of God's (my HP) hand however He never let's go of ours.
I had a recent experience of being so mad at hearing one more alanon slogan I thought fire was not only going to come out of my mouth, include my eyes and my ears as well. Well honestly .. I thought I would implode .. the best thing I can suggest is that just be mad for this moment .. you can choose when you are done with whatever tantrum (not meaning to sound offensive .. however it's what I call what I went through last Monday) and pick up your program when you are ready to pick it back up.
It's going to pass and it's just a feeling. You don't need to be afraid of it and you don't need to act on it. Again .. the whole feelings aren't facts .. however you are entitled to feel them and you should because it's the healthy thing to do.
Keep coming back and it is frustrating to feel that things are stagnated or information is coming you don't necessarily want or want to know why now .. just keep coming back it's going to get better.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I think most people have felt this way at one time or another. Life is hard and unfair and I down right struggle hard sometimes, but when it is over I pick myself back up, dust myself off and dive back into my program. I was born into a severly dysfunctional family and all kinds of things happened to me. I used to want to just die and I would ask God to take me. After over a year of diligently working my Al-anon program with my sponsor and finding a great home group, life seems much better. I have redefined my higher power. I am making better choices and taking my time making decisions. My attitude towards everything is much more positive. I truly believe you get out what you put in, sometimes dysfunction from someone else knocks you down, that is life. With my Al-anon tools I bounce back quicker and get back into my stride. I am finding enjoyment in life. There are blessings all around sometimes you have to look for really little ones before you can see the bigger ones. Have you ever done a gratitude list? Best thing for me when I am feeling stirred up, I also up my meetings and talking with my sponsor to help me through the harder stuff. I no longer feel like a victim doomed to a string of days to be merely survived until death over takes me, that was the old me. I am sending you much love and support today!!!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
We have a saying in our program , pain is inevedible , suffering an option . God gave man free will and sometimes we just plain screw up none of us are perfect. We all have choices we can choose to recover from the effects of this disease or continue to suffer and blame others for our unhappiness . I hope you choose to recover . Louise
I would agree with all this. I grew up in a family that was totally psychotic. My mother and father would never have been allowed to keep their children today. Unfortunately for me I fell through all kinds of cracks.
The issue is you aren't alone with this. You may feel very much alone and that's part of the isolation of keeping so many secrets. For me therapy helped tremendously. I really don't agree with the maxim acceptance changes everything. I am fully in acceptance of my awful, painful, traumatic childhood and there isn't one day it doesn't hurt. The issue is I can manage the hurt now. But that didn't come overnight and anyone who tells you otherwise is delusional as far as I am concerned.
Living with an alcoholic or being around an active alcoholic is really really difficult. No one is going to say it is easy. Every day I am more and more aware of how I lived with the now ex A. I'm lucky to be alive with his driving recklessly. I'm lucky not to be in jail for the way I fought and fought with him. But with al anon's help I saw what I was doing and got help.
This is a painful difficult life. I'm not sure why I got the parents I did, there is something I will never understand. I certainly would never have asked for or wanted that kind of upbringing. Neither did I want or ask for a series of alcoholic boyfriends and husbands.
I do know that on my part I had to look at many many issues which contributed to me being with an alcoholic. One was being reckless. I am no longer reckless. In fact I am so protective of my animals it is astonishing to me. I go out of my way to make sure they aren't harmed. That wasn't the case when I lived with the alcoholic. They regularly ran away from home because they were terrified. I didn't take enough action then to protect them because I was completely and utterly enmeshed with the alcoholic.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain and feel exhausted. I've been there too. What I can tell you is that my journey has helped others. Certainly that isn't the reason I am doing this journey but the fact I found a way through gave inspiration to others that they can make it through too.
Know that there are many of us rooting for you and praying for you.
Just have to say, I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said
No! NO! Not another learning experience!
Sometimes when people are really feeling low and in that dark place, others will say "I felt like that once too" -- and that statement, for me, was not all that validating...like somehow, once I was more enlightened, I would accept all the awful stuff as "learning" and it would all be glitter and unicorns. (okay, so that's a bit extreme, but you get my point)
Well, sometimes I think, a big stinky pile of poop is a big stinky pile of poop. I think it's important that we acknowledge our pain and VALIDATE it...and realize our anger is legit..give yourself permission to be honked off...this disease really is outrageous...and it leaves a painful wake...
Please know that the path we walk is a tough one...I struggle every day for a reason to keep going...
Thank you all for your love and support on this very difficult day. I am usually a very positive person who sees the good in the small things and finds light in the darkest corners, but today I just needed to be honest about that daek place we all face at some point. It feela good to get so much validation for the expression and experience of that place...to exorcise it and know that to feel pain and despair sometimes is normal. I am the poster girl for stoic...its what I do best, and sometimes it needs to be ok to say "I've had enough". It can be unhealthy for me to keep it all in, which is a legacy from childhood....take endless pain, fear, abuse and neglect but never let it show. Never let myself acknowledge my needs and feelings because it is against the rules and my survival depended on it then. This evening at last a peace has descended upon me in the midst of crisis, my true HP...the strength inside me. And your words have helped beyond measure in that process. Thank you thank you thank you!!! Tigger x
You can change the rules on how people treat you and what you will tolerate at any time. Most of this is in your perception. Some things you cannot change, but many things you can.
I used to curse God that he made me gay...Who would want that? To be part of the last openly discriminated against minority in the country?? Then I cursed God that I came down with a major depressive breakdown right before finishing my Ph.D in clinical psychology. Then I cursed God that I couldn't seem to cope with life and was an alcoholic. Then something snapped in me and I decided to stop suffering and make the most with what is given to me. My life not a story of suffering. It's a story of me triumphing over ongoing challenges. It's a story of me going through some hard things that could put me in a better spot to help others which is my life long quest on this earth anyhow. Nothing so crappy has happened to me.
It took a long time in recovery to realize it all happened FOR me. I'm a much stronger person for all I've been through and so are you - even if you don't feel it right now.
