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I realize that the relationship with my mother is probably toxic. Mymother is not the A in my life my husband is. We are separated but he still sees me and our son on weekends. After a terrible downfall resulting in the loss of his job last summer, he is 8 months sober, working a good program in AA, and from what I can tell, is doing extremely well.
My mother is understandably concerned about me. However, while my AHs disease is the root of all this, she has been adding to my misery. She is constantly berating me about limiting my AHs involvement in our sons life, sending me nasty emails about how I now have to find someone normal, and micromanaging my schedule as it relates to AH. Yesterday she came into town for the day. Normally I come to see her, but this weekend AH asked if he could come in Sunday instead of Satruday. I got an earful about this followed by an email how I ruined her and my dads "old age."
I should note that I have put strict boundaries on AH since all this occurred. He knows that a condition of ever seeing me and our son is sobriety. We are close but he is not pressuring me to move back. He is really doing a lot better than I could have imagined and I owe this to AA, his sponsor, his HP and his own will. I dont know what the future holds for us but I know that so long as he remains on course I am willing to see what happens.
My family has been hounding me nonstop. They are basically saying "its us or him." They live in a world of black and white and will never be able to accept that someone in his situation can turn their lives around. Everything is guilt trips, doom and gloom, warnings, threats and harassment. I almost think this is a worse byproduct of the drinking than the drinking itself.
I love my mom but I feel this is toxic to me. I am doing my best.The thing that hurts the most is that she isn't all wrong her wanting to protect me and stay away from the consequences of this disease is totally justified. But the approach is cruel. She just wrote me that she is out of my life for good. I feel totally alone and really awful now. Thanks for letting me vent.
Sending you a ton of love and support. You are not alone, you always have HP, you have a support group and you have yourself, your son. I so understand your pain. Give it time and just give it over to your HP. Remember when we don't react the way someone else thinks we should react or they are used to controlling and manipulating the situation they up the ante. It sounds like that is what your mom has done. Yes, it is unfair and it is cruel. Don't be surprised when the phone rings (maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow) it will ring again and she will be testing to see if she got you to do what she wanted you to do.
Hang in there, .. no of course she's not wrong for wanting to protect you however it is wrong to manipulate, use control to make others do what we want them to do. You have different choices you can take because you are working a strong program of recovery.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
But your mom is wrong. You are not alone. You have this whole web site. And she will NOT stay out of your life. Keep your life busy and you will get past this easily. My mom got so mad at me one year because she thought I was being disrespectful to her that she didn't speak to me for a year. I was so busy that I never even noticed it until, a year later, she mentioned it. I faked it that I felt bad, but in reality, I never noticed.
People are unique and are deserving of their own personalities..... your mom included. Let her be and stay detached from her. Black and white behavior is hard to be around. All the doom and gloom is her personality and you don't have to take it on- unless you want to. Obviously, you don't want to.
Your job is to take care of you, and that includes putting people out and protecting your heart. Do you feel like the rebelious teenager with respect to your mom? But you are the grown, responsible woman with children. She forgets that.
Thank you both for your responses which have already helped me feel better. Yes MJ, when it comes to my mother, even I often forget that I am a self-sufficient adult. I still in some way look for her approval and protection even though I'm doing very well on my own. I realize I cannot rely on her for support, since it comes at a high price and involves her managing my life and making sure AH is barely a part of it. I could see this more if he was living with me and being active, but it would be useless for me to even explain to her that he is pursuing recovery since she doesn't believe in it. I know I will never change what she thinks and that's ok - but I guess I can't allow myself to be affected by it.
Sounds like your mom like mine could use Al-anon. I stopped giving my Mom any details of my life for just the reason you are sharing. I have made it clear to everyone that I am a grown woman and able to make my own life decisions, which shouldn't overly affect them. I had to make lots of boundaries and changes, but all for the better with my old friends nad family who i used to let in to far and have too much control. You have great awareness! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Hugs!! Even as adult women it can be so hard to let go of the need to have our mom's approval.
Glad Lee commented on a post of mine several weeks ago, I immediately thought of her words to me when I read your post.
"I learned that when someone offers me advice... I immediately ask, "Is that what worked for you??"
Because if they don't have ANY experience with what I'm dealing with, either an alcoholic spouse... or divorce... or whatever it is they are advising me about... they are NOT walking my walk, they are NOT in my shoes. They are not speaking from experience, therefore they are not qualified.
I knew my family hated to see me suffer. But that is between me and my Higher power. If they have advice on how to walk me back to Higher power, then I'm all ears." Glad Lee
This was just so what I needed, hopefully it helps you as well!
You know I had a good friend who when she heard I was involved with the now ex A said she couldn't deal with me anymore. I was really hurt by that at the time and puzzled too.
I can well understand your mother's concern. The issue for me has been boundaries. Who is allowed to do what in my life and when. I know when I leanred on a lot of people when the now ex A was acting out I alienated a lot of people. They were angry at me rather than the alcoholic. As far as I know they are still angry at me.
A lot of relationships get poisoned around alcoholism. I know I steer a very very wide berth around alcoholics but they are still certainly in my neighborhood and periphery. I work around them I live around them.
Who gets into my life these days is my business. I limit how much anyone can get into my life. At the same time I have to live and be out there in the world. I have to live in a crazy dysfunctional world.
In the book Getting them Sober it really gives a good outline of what to expect and how from a recovering alcoholic. They suggest a 2 year window beyond seeing any improvement and getting any hopes up.
I'm glad you are here and seeking out support. I had plenty of "toxic" relationships before I got to really work a program. Now I monitor those relationships pretty carefully.
