The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling very uneasy and am looking for ESH. I have been with my husband for 12 years. He was smoking pot when I met him. After 10 years of his pot smoking daily, his yelling and put downs, I told him he needed to leave. He chose rehab. 24 days inpatient treatment and 4 weeks in a SLE, he came home. That was 2 years ago He started smoking pot again about 9 months ago.
I can't do this again. I see so many similarities to how it was before rehab and I cannot live like that again. I look back at the time that he as gone and not living with me and the kids and it seems like everything was calmer and easier.
There was an incident with my 12 year old son earlier this week. No hitting but was pretty intense. He left for 3 days. Those three days were so easy and comfortable and relaxing. I feel like I want that serenity. I want him gone.
It sucks, we have a daughter together that loves him so much. My son is not his but has been around since he was 1 year old. It is awkward when my AH is around. Uncomfortable and tense. My son locks himself in his room and my daughter gets either whiny or really goofy. I shut down. I dont want to clean, i don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't feel like doing anything but laying around when he is here. The moment he leaves to go somewhere (which isn't often as he doesn't have a job) I start cleaning and cooking and talking/playing with my kids. I want that every day. I feel like I cannot be myself when he is around me.
Because he hasn't worked for years, I wonder if it is my responsibility to make sure he has a car, shelter and food? Is it? He is a grown man Can I just tell him to go and don't come back? I have no money to give him. He can take my car, but I won't make payments on it anymore if he has it I don't want divorce right now, but I really don't want to live with him anymore.
"He is a grown man". there you go dragonflys...that's the first reality and you can allow him lovingly to be responsible for his own choices and consequences.
I suggest that you go to the white pages of your local telephone book and find the hotline number for the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area and come meet with us where and when we do cause there is a lot to share with you about how this has affected your life and how to get that back on track whether he is using or not. They might have Alateen groups available also for your son. The youngones heal faster than us older people who have been involved in the disease of addiction longer and gotten much more crazier because of it.
Keep coming back here also...It's good to see you reaching out for help.
((((hugs))))
On a side note...the pot smokers here all complain that marijuana use is the most benign drug usage around...they haven't met and listened to the family either.
I have not been to a meeting in a few months. I know I need them, but it seems whenever I get ready to go, the guilt sets in for leaving my kids around him. I have asked my son several times if he would like to go to an Alteen meeting but he continues to say no.
I am on this board daily i read ODAT daily. I try to practice gratitude daily. Why do I feel like I have to continue to put up with this? Because of our daughter. Not my son, I think my son would rather him leave.
" I can't do this again...I cannot live like that again...everything was calmer and easier [when he was gone]...those three days were so easy and comfortable and relaxing...I want that serenity...I want that everyday...I want him gone...I cannot be myself when he is around me...I really don't want to live with him anymore."
You sound crystal clear to me, dragonflys.
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Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. -from Pema Chödron's When Things Fall Apart
My daughter is going to her very first therapy appointment and pretty much is kicking and screaming .. lol .. I don't know how old your son is or what kind of relationship you have with him as far as talking and so on. My suggestion is this .. I asked my daughter to go to 2 therapy meetings if she hates it she doesn't have to go back after those 2. I'm so hoping that it will only take 2 for it to stick. Now I wish I had up'd the anti on it and said 6. We don't have alateen in the area and driving 70 miles to meetings isn't an option for me because of the price of gas.
Anyway, this is my suggestion ask your son to attend 6 alateen meetings, ask him to do it for you if he does this you will get off of him about going. Chances are once he goes he will get something out of it. I don't know anyone who hasn't gone to alanon and gotten something out of it.
Maybe it will stick maybe not at least he did go and he knows it's available if he wants to go.
As a parent it's my responsibility to show my children that there are options and outlets available to them .. it's kind of like eating broccoli or brussel sprouts .. kids may not like them however they are good for them. As the parent, it's my job to guide them in those areas of at least try it before you tell me you don't like it. kwim?
Sending you lots of love and support, hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi, I forced my daughter (when she was 15) to go to 4 once a week meetings to AlAteen so that she could get to know the kids there and decide if she liked them enough to want to spend anymore time with them. After the first meeting she was ready to quit because she could see they had some serious pain and she didn't want to get involved. After 4 meetings she could see that she had something in common with them and she liked the message she was getting. She stayed until she was 19. She loved the sponsor.
I made my daughter seek counseling for a few months and it was a great experience once she got used to it. Any decisions we make to better ourselves will have posiitive influence on our children. I have been living that for the last 2 years and things just keep getting better. Dive into your Al-anon recovery, keep coming back to MIP and listen to yourself! You know what is best for you all. I am sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I'm glad you get to come to this board. I know its been a big lifeline for me.
I can understand your resentment at your husband. I know when I lived around alcoholics I resented deeply their expectations. I have had to look at my own expectations lately of people behaving like they are owed the world.
Being around them can be incredibly draining and exhausting. I have to work a really good program to get past it. For me getting a sponsor has been so so key. I have someone to refer to someone to help me set a plan and someone to bounce my emotions off. I think its a really good option and not an impossible one.
There are meetings here twice a day and you can ask someone at that meeting to sponsor you. Try it, give it a chance and if it doesn't work out ask someone else.
I know for me the issue of impatience is huge. When I finally get around to seeing something that doesn't work in my life I want it gone now this minute and never have to deal with it again. Leaving a marriage is a huge undertaking, it involves a lot. One day at a time is a hard way to go but for some of us it is the only way we can walk through what's involved. The more support, care and understanding you have on your side the less you will sink into a depression around it.
