I fell right into his trap! - Al-Anon Family Group

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

I fell right into his trap!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry you're hurting this way.

If I'm understanding this correctly, when you have begun to be impatient with his games and move on, he does have one thing to do to get you back and control you. And that's to be distant and critical. It sounds as if he gets big rewards for being distant and critical. I think to protect ourselves we have to watch out for what rewards we give them for their behavior.

For long periods, sometimes, every day I have to keep myself from getting in touch with my addict ex. Because I know it will lead to the same old insanity. And when I read that the experience of wanting something and often not getting it increases the craving, I realized why my craving for him is so strong. And I know that getting in touch with him is like an alcoholic going into a bar or a heroin addict hanging out at a party where there's heroin. It will all start up again. Your story reminds me of the times when I've done that. Just like an alcoholic, I've thought, "I can handle it. I'm in control. No problem." But then -- big problem. So I guess my question is if you really want to choose to hang out with him any more. Does it make you feel better, or does it lead to turmoil? In my case I know what the answer is, sad to say.

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

You have to take care of you. What makes you feel better? What makes you feel worthwhile? What makes you happy? Does he? Someone else? Maybe someone you haven't even met yet? You have had 5 months without him...and you say you felt strong. After an hour with him you feel empty and confused? Doesn't sound so good.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

YYou received great ESH. Are you able to get to meetings? I just want to send you some love and support!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Very simple Julie, he is sick, he has a disease. He cannot be who you want him to be, wooing you. chasing you, making you feel wanted.

We cannot rationalize insanity. Whatever drugs he takes, makes his mind not work!

There is nothing wrong with you wanting that, sadly he is not the one who will be doing it.

There is NO way anyone can understand the A mind. Well except maybe another A to a point. They do not think like a non A and we don't think like an A. You will always be frustrated, let down, and in turmoil.

You saw him, you see how he is, you have your answer honey.

I know it hurts! I have shared, for me when I still wanted to see my A, I finally would tell myself why bother he does not want to see you.

hugs,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

He might fight for you, but he is not going to change who he is for you. All the reasons you didn't want to see him for 5 months do not magically go away. One of the hardest things for me personally, is realizing that other people do not change because I want them to. I am lovable - a good person - but I'm not God and I cannot go all "presto chango" and turn someone that is insensitive, or reckless into a romantic, relationship oriented sensitive person.

My sponsor told me regarding breakups and relationships - "Take all of what you think you need from him and work on giving it to your self and/or receiving it from your higher power." After that, the love I get from another person is just "extra" good stuff. I'm okay regardless.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

This was a great event for you, you got to see how it is with him again. You are fully aware of how you feel with him, eyes wide open.

About confusion, I was told my confusion is about my unwillingness to fully accept reality. For me, it was about my denial, I went round and round with denial, one moment seeing clearly, the next moment I was thinking, everything is fine. I did that because that was what I desperatly wanted. But it was not the reality, it was denial.

Eventually, I decided that it was just too painful to continue putting my hand on the hot stove, over and over. I had an obsession with him, being with him always hurt, but I kept going back, over and over. It was like any other addiction, we experienced high high's and low low's together. Eventually I decided putting my hand on the hot stove was going to hurt me, and I didn't want to hurt me anymore. That's when I accepted my powerlessness to change an addict, I accepted that an addict should indeed ACT like an addict. I stopped resisting reality and surrendered.

My codependency disease in a nutshell, is about needing love, approval, appreciation and validation from others. When I don't get that, I feel worthless - which is a lie. My disease tells me lies and I get into trouble when I BELIEVE them. My disease separates me from Higher power which tells me that I am already loved... I am love.... and I don't need to go seeking it anywhere else.

My AH was very similar to your BF, always trying to control me with his put-downs, always trying to break me to his will. And it worked for years. I played a part, of course, I made him my Higher power, I believed I needed his love, approval and validation. I was just a shell of a person when I crawled into my first al-anon meeting.

A few suggestions, with all the things he tells you, ask yourself, "Is that true?" And keep a regular meeting schedule going so the love, understanding and peace of the program will grow in you, one day at time. That's how recovery is working for me. ((hugs))

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

You know I found it really really hard to understand alcoholism for such a long long time. I felt it was always me against the disease and had these kind of notions that if someone wanted to they could just stop.

I read a number of biographies by alcoholics and that helped me but the book that helped me the most recently is Ninety days by Nick Clegg.

http://www.npr.org/books/titles/150961066/ninety-days-a-memoir-of-recovery#excerpt

When I read this book I really really got "it" that the compulsion to drink/use is more powerful than I could have imagined.

I hope that you can come to see it isn't about you or your love of the relationship but about the disease.

Then you can let all the stuff that went on in that evening go. We can't win against alcoholism what we can do is really control and measure our response against it. There is no question you're loveable, capable of a relationship, kind, loyal and loving. The issue is none of that can control a disease like alcoholism.

Maresie.

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

I am so numb in my mind right now. I am not in touch with myself right and it hurts. Im in so much pain because I know the truth and I am choosing to ignore everything. I am choosing on giving up and letting him get what he wants again.

I am numb because no matter what the situation is I am not talking to a sane person. Ever since Saturday where he feels I chose my girlfriend over him and he thought he invited me on a date and I invited her, I can feel the love lost even more. Before I know he loved me even with all the things covering it but now I feel like he gave up on me for good. All because he thinks I chose to take my friend home over him. He never met her and calls her a bitch for getting in the way. He says sorry for embarrassing me but than attacks me for not choosing him.

And because I am codependent I feel like I lost the only person that fills that void. I feel rejected and in his mind he can easily move on to the next and it won't bother him, where I put myself through hell for a little bit of love.

I don't want to feel like this but I am being so stubborn to come to the realization of this rlwationship. It is fake, it isn't real and I create a fake reality to not believe the truth.

I hate doing this to myself.

Julie3310 · Veteran Member

Why can't I just let go?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

No one else should fill that void that is missing inside us. Happiness is an inside job. I think it's a bahia saying that u can't build ur happiness on someone elses unhappiness. the older I get the truer the statement. It's not important as to how he's acting as much as it is important that you figure out why you want to be with someone who is not nice or kind to you. Why do u think u deserve to be treated as less than? I like what pinkchip said and that is a good place to start. Hugs, p ;)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It's hard to let go because you let him into the most vulnerable side of yourself. You feel like nobody knows you like him perhaps. It's too easy to lose sight of the fact that you are better able to provide to yourself (your know yourself better than he knows you) and also your higher power knows you better (but you look to him to obtain what your higher power ought to give you).

You are not necessarily going to "just let go" by sitting and thinking about it. Actually going to alanon or coda meetings is going to really speed that along PLUS greatly aid you in not repeating the pattern over again. Take some steps and actually go to some meetings.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.