Expectations and newbie angst. - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Expectations and newbie angst.

littlehawk · Veteran Member

I needed to have this discussion with people other than myinner circle and other than my alcoholic. Thanks for being here and reading.

First, I would like to state that I am feeling quite angsty right now. Instead of trying to make my alcoholic, aka "E", feel responsible, my rational mind kicked in and told me to try al-anon groups. Since I can't get to a meeting right now, here I am.

My weekend plans of my and "E"s promise to have Sunday Funday each week seems to be touchy exactly every other weekend. She finds something to take offense to or some emotion to blame on me (like her needing to drink).

So... I pulled out the ol' Al-anon book and looked up "expectations".

Here's what I read that made me feel more angsty: "My search for peace of mind will bear fruit much more readily if I stop expecting and relax into acceptance."

I'm sorry - but I just don't get that. Please help me understand the difference between "relaxing into acceptance" and allowing myself to be repeatedly walked on and taken advantage of.... The difference between acceptance and enabling. The difference between consequences and punishment.

This is going to sound absolutely awful, I bet... but sometimes I feel that AA gives alcoholics a scapegoat (their disease) and Al-anon teaches us how to put up with this push-pull the alcoholics do to us.

Can someone please help me to understand why I shouldn't feel like I'm relaxing into being a doormat?

Thanks for any response.

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

Expectations are difficult because its so common to hear "have higher expectations of ..." Expecting an A to be or do something they can't or aren't willing to do, means we are stuck frustrated and angry or hurt because we think its about us. Boundaries are expectations we have for ourselves. I expect to be treated with respect. So what am *I* going to do if the person does not. The other becomes what can we get them to do. It's about trying to have control over another person. It never works out when we do that. Once we accept that we can't control others, and then move towards boundaries instead of expectations, our lives truly become better. I'm still learning this but when I stopped expecting my ex to be a better father, it did not mean I condoned his behaviors, it meant I wasn't responsible for fixing him and I could stop trying and focus on my life instead. Learning this with my kids now, even harder I find!

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh yeah, I understand where you are coming from. But.... acceptance doesn't mean being a doormat. It means accepting that an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic and will act exactly the same way every time. So that mean you have to move out of the way if you don't want to be in the way of what is going to happen. You don't have to accept bad behavior. You have to accept that you can't change the other person who does the bad behavior. Now that you know you can't change them and you can "relax into acceptance" that they will be who they will be.....now, what? You can duck out of the way, you can walk out of the room, you can get in the car and leave for an hour, day, week, year.... or you can stay exactly where you are and get hit by the bad behavior.

The 3 A's are Awareness, Acceptance and Action. Don't forget the action.

littlehawk · Veteran Member

Thanks... I think that made some sense. I think I'm starting to understand a little more.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Dettacment with love was the best thing I ever learned it helped me set boundaries and to not set myself up to have resentments. Sending you love and support!

Bargee · Veteran Member

Littlehawk, I am so glad you asked this question.
I feel exactly the same way you do.
I feel like his disease gives him an excuse to be horrible to me and that I should be accepting of this, but I find it so hard.
I get very resentful and angry that he has this 'disease'. I also used to get really pissed of that he had all the support in the world (AA etc) and I had nothing. He hadn't told me about Alanon.
I felt left out of his recovery and felt that everyone thought he was so wonderful that he was 'getting better' and yet I was still struggling and dealing with the fall out alone. This made me so angry and in ways made me 'hate' him even more.
It's such a confusing place to be in.
He has been drinking again and now that I know about Alanon, I'm going to try and give that a go this time.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I would have agreed with that. I think al anon teaches us to take care of ourselves. In getting them sober the author outlines sometimes that means clearing up after the alcoholic.

I'm sorry you are in the place of putting your life on hold for an alcoholic. I could step into that role so so easily. I could argue with the disease at a moment's notice.

For an alcoholic the issue is they are so consumed with their desire to use that all their plans, all their visons of what is needed in their life evaporate in front of them. Of course they are going to look around for something else to blame.

Remember that much of this material was written a long long time ago. There are a lot of other interpretations of acceptance. Acceptance for me doesn't mean I am not in pain. Believe me I suffer pain every day from having lived with an alcoholic for 7 years. The issue is I don't self destruct over it.

Your resentment and anger is very very valid. It is natural to be resentful when your hopes are up and they get dashed. Its also natural to be frustated and anxious to find solutions. Sometimes they don't come overnight.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.