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My AH was very distant from me in many ways for the past few weeks. We were drifting apart and I was feeling negative vibes from him all that time. His dad died last week and all of a sudden he seems NORMAL. And, I mean, NORMAL! It's like he did a 180. We were back east for his dad's services and funeral and he was kind, loving, and even touchy feely with me.
Now, since I am dealing with trust issues I kept thinking maybe there's something else going on. Maybe it was his way of being grateful that I didn't blast him for driving on a suspended license. Maybe he was trying to prove to his crazy family that his marriage is doing just fine. Or, maybe it was all geniune love and caring. Well, whatever it was we'll see if it keeps up when he gets back tomorrow.
We still have a long way to go!!! It's funny, but I do appreciate certain things about his history right now. I noticed how his brother and sister tease him and tell stories about all the trouble he got into, etc. I can see now why he didn't want his family to know about the DUI because he was always the family screw up and he didn't want to back up that label. I mean, technically he did actually do that, LOL,(if they ever found out). Anyway, I took a few steps back this weekend and watched the family dynamics. While we were at dinner one night and my AH was getting on his high horse about some political issue(of which I had tuned out the whole conversation), his sister asks me if I have a tranquilizer gun so we can shut him up. Then she and her husband just got up from the table and left, they had had enough of my AH and his ranting and raving.
His brother also got a dig in on him during the eulogy. He told a story about how if there was a stop sign in the middle of the desert and you're the only car out there, would you stop? He said he would stop because their dad was a cop and that's the right thing to do(we had discussed this at dinner the night before and I remember saying that I would stop too). So, then he says, "Well, if it was my brother, and those of you who know him know I speak the truth, he would floor it and run right past the stop sign shaking his fists at authority." Of course, everyone there laughed, because they all know it's true. My AH was always bucking authority, getting into trouble, convincing others to go along with his schemes, etc. Anyway, it was really eye opening. Thanks for letting me share!
Good job on not calling out your AH with his family. I know when I am with my family they really hold me to my past the same way. It sounds like it all went rather well for all the worrying you did and for that I am glad for you. When we are able to let go things to have a way of flowing. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Yeah, if I said anything to his family he'd never live it down! Unfortunately, I had a totally codie moment this evening. He called me at 6 PM east coast time and basically told me that we probably wouldn't talk before he went to bed, yet he really wasn't clear as to why. He made mention of visiting his mom again, but he had been there all day cleaning her house and I can't imagine him going there again. I remember him making a comment about the hotel bar and I was wondering if he was planning on drinking tonight and was avoiding me. I tried calling him at 9 EST and he didn't answer. I tried his hotel a few minutes later thinking maybe he turned off his cell phone and he didn't answer in the room, either. He has a 6 AM flight tomorrow so I know he's not staying out super late. It's just weird. I also found out he lied about having talked to an old friend today, too. It's like he can't seem to go a week without lying about something, and it's something stupid and little too.
Anyway, at least the weekend was good and the funeral went well, as well as can be expected. I am leaving everything in God's hands. I remember getting really po'd when his drinking was escalating and I told myself that it will get worse and he WILL have consequences. The DUI happened a week later so I know that if he's drinking again, it's only a matter of time before it will be revealed in some way. I just keep saying the serenity prayer and taking life one day at a time.
When I left my exAH I felt really bad at first, because he was white knuckling it and sober for 2 months. He couldn't handle anything and everything was my fault and I was walking on eggshells. I couldn't do it anymore, there were so many attempts at being sober without any outside help. The begining time was always rough. Right away he headed to the bar and I blamed myself until I found Al-anon a few months after and realized he makes his own choices. When we were together he balmed me and for awhile after I left he blamed me. He left me over 10 times in 15 years and always it was my fault. The last time I left and it was the first time and it was my fault. Just remember nothing you say or do is your fault. Try to stay on your side of the street and off of his as much as you can. I hope you can dive into your program and keep letting go and letting God! Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
The death of a parent is a huge thing. To be on your antenna for a relapse is pretty normal. I know a recovering alcoholic I know told me he relapsed when his mother died. I also know that I am so so glad I wasn't there trying to fix him to stop and not use.
That feeling of not knowing when the ground will shift is a very very painful one. I know that feeling very very well.
I'm glad you are here reaching out for support and care you deserve it. For me the focus always has to be on my program rather than the disaster that is happening to some alcoholic. For me the relief from having to focus on myself was the key to needing to be around someone who was using. I needed to be needed.
