Sexual dysfunctions - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Sexual dysfunctions

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't have direct experience, but I feel as though I relate. I grew up believing that I NEEDED other people's love and approval. If I didn't have that, it must mean I am not a valuable, worthy person. In my opinion, this is my codependent problem in a nutshell.

My experience is, my most intimate relationship is the one I have with my thoughts. My thoughts about my wants and needs can be very troublesome when I BELIEVE them. When I believe my thoughts, I might act on them. So it's important for me to write out my thoughts, get them on paper in black and white so that I can see what I'm believing and begin to challenge it. See if that helps to clear up your confusion. Bring it to your sponsor too.

The program taught me, I no longer have to be overly supportive of anyone else - spiritually, emotionally, physically or financially. I am learning to give some of that to myself instead, I no longer need to give myself away. I no longer need approval from people, especially people I don't approve of.

My sex "powers" let me down time and time again, it is soooo fleeting. And even if I do manage to get someone's attention with it, in my heart, I know it's not really what I'm after, I really seeking love. But I don't have to "do" anything for love....

I already have it. I am Love. You are love. We already have everything we'll ever desire. The only thing I ever need to seek, is Higher power which gives me the strength to do something different. Anything else creates "dysfunction" for me.....

I was told that once I straighten out spiritually, all other things will fall into place, first things first. This is sooo true. I never thought I could be in such a happy, easy-going relationship with someone, as I am today.

This can be a turning point in your recovery, this is wonderful awareness. When you do something different, when YOU take care of YOU, you'll be empowered. And you'll choose it again and again. That's how it works for me. ((hugs))

-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 7th of May 2012 08:28:57 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I am going to add I do know I have a part in it and I am no longer a little girl, just some old cycles die hard. I am able to say no, I just wish it was more natural and not a fight within myself to feel I owe him any part of me in anyway. My past really played into a lot of dysfunction in our marriage and funny when we were married he preferred porn, but now I seem much more attractive, it is all part of the manipulation and control in this game of alcoholism. I know better, but it is hard. Sending you all love and support!

Grace7 · Senior Member

Hi. You are doing amazingly well, especially after a year and half of AlAnon:) I read your post thinking back to when it was a year and half for me It seems like so long ago! Living with alcoholism and the isms it brings is a life time process as you have learned. It transfers from one generation to the next. Then we get to exercise our AlAnon ES&H all over again. I know nothing about how long you were connected to your ex AH. You mention children. I believe something to consider is not being so in control that we can compartmentalize our thoughts, feelings and emotions in all areas of our lives. For instance, in a "normal" (if such a thing exists: ) marriage, it takes an average of one year to heal....notice the word again HEAL..... for every four years we are married. You were man and wife...alcohol, previous abuses or not. It Takes Time. Grant yourself this Grace and sending loving thoughts your way as you strive for a better life for you and your children. Nothing stays the same, Nothing. Things that are more of a struggle now, will not be later and will assuredly be replaced by news ones. This is how we grow and mature. I think you are doing so very well. Hugs!

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree with glad lee.

Examining my belive system and reminding myself that I don't owe anyone anything helps me over humps.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It's very common for ex's to cont a sexual relationship. You say he gets to you like no one else. So if this i not a problem with anyone else, then it just sounds like you are very attracted to him in that way.

Is it you don't want to say yes, even though your body wants it? Or is it guilt becuz you are no longer married?

I am thinking maybe its more something that needs to be explored, as to what is the core of it.

Then ya know if you feel guilty after, or mad at yourself, then you know you are allowing him to control you. That is not a good thing of course.

Maybe it would help to journal how it feels to remind yourself that you may be attracted, but your heart is not in it.

We don't have to give our control to anyone, not anyone.

Pm me if you want to problem solve or whatever.

I am so glad you feel comfy with this touchy subject! thats progress eh?

hugs,debilyn

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

what a terrible thing to have to deal with. I know so much of my behavior around the ex A and so many other people has its roots in my childhood. I am so graced by al anon to be able to learn boundaries here.

Of course saying no would be an issue for you. You weren't permitted a no as a child. In theory when we are children we are not made responsible for adults behavior. As a molested child we are. In theory it could be that your family were from a history of sexual abuse themselves because any other parent would have boundaries and be on the alert for someone who was like your neighbor. Not that that excuses them. But it makes sense of why they were awol.

I can tell you my whole issue of self preservation, having boundaries didn't resolve for me until I went to al anon and really worked on having them. Even then alcoholics are so perceptive about manipulation and boundary breaking they are masters at it. I currently work with someone who is an absolute master at manipulation. She gets absolutely whatever she wants when she wants it and her ploys are absolutely incredible. Every one including seasoned union veterans fall at her feet.

Thats what you are up against with an alcoholic. The reason they are still standing and breathing is from their incredible ability to manipulate. They have it finely honed and crafted, they are really really good at it. Without it their life would fall apart.

So to go from a kid with no boundaries to someone dealing with the absolute master of manipulation is a pretty tall order for anyone. Its like getting Phd without doing the BA before hand. Of course we are going to slip and slide.

For me the whole issue of seeing who I was dealing with has been so so key. Even then I can get so flumoxed around situations. I can get lost in the what's this stuff rather than what do I need to do to take care of me.

There is no self preservation when you are child being molested there is only the most basic stuff to try to keep sane and get through it to get to a place where you can process it. That's pretty hard around a seasoned alcoholic.

Be kind to yourself, be patient you are on a journey not a race.

Maresie.

Oksie · Senior Member

I was triggered last night also regarding past childhood sexual abuse and how that plays out in my daily life.

Lately, I have identified that I am being triggered. In the past I didnt really understand it was a trigger and it was my 'mood swings'!!!!

For me, the first step in healing has been to accept my past abuse and that it really was me that it happened to.

NOw.. I am at the part about action. I have gone through awareness and acceptance.

Action is me allowing pulling apart my thoughts and making sure I take appropriate action to support and protect that little girl NOW. I couldn't do it before and I allowed my little girl (me) to be abused over and over.

Last night I was triggered. Yes I still had sex with my partner because that is what he wanted. This morning, I am feeling down. So I walked the dog and listened to myself (as opposed to talk to myself). I stopped the "I shouldn't have done that" talk. I listened to the fear coming from within and I said.... "but its different now".

I am allowed to be triggered, that is not going to stop... things are going to trigger me for the rest of my life and sometimes when I least expect it. For me, I am trying to learn how I live with those triggers and act on them now. I am trying not to judge my reactions or actions, but to process them in a way that is ok for me at this point in time.

Actually today, this morning on my walk, it was funny in my head. I sat 'us' all down at a big conference table and 'I' had a gavel in hand. Different parts of me were saying different things. Different arguments. Why did we feel that way? Why did we still have sex? Remember when so and so did such and such.. yeah what a (insert expletive) and HE did the same thing last night to us and what are YOU doing about it..... funny little committee in my head. I banged the gavel and called order.. funny me in side my head... told them all to calm down and we are here now walking the dog... 'I' took over and said we had sex because "i" wanted to... "you lot" are not in control. I will listen to what you have to say.... but I make the decisions and it was ok to do what I did as a grown adult woman ok.. most of them were quiet and the 'me' who shone and spoke through was me at about 17 being abused by the man who said he loved me.

I listend to what she had to say, I thanked her for sharing... and I repeated that we are here now, and things are different.

It was a very strange morning for me?????

You are a survivor. You know you have ways that you deal with your past and it is ok that they come out sometimes... It will happen after such a trauma fora repeated amount of time. For me now, its about what I am going to do about that today.

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