The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi - Its my first time here. Im really greatful to have found this - as I am anxious if i was to go to a f2f meeting I would get to upset - sounds silly.
My recent ex of 5 years is in recovery for 4 of those years,its been a rollercoaster of love, tears, laughs and adventures and everything that goes with it. Due to our personal lives ( work/college/finances) we never lived together, not for reasons other than that.
Of late, he has been persuing a new career path and focusing all his attention&finances to this. I am so happy for him, that he has found something he is so passionate & driven about progressing in. Along the way on this new journey, there was natural obsticales of testing and such, some of which he had to resit. This made me nervous for his sobriety as it would have been the first of rejection of that kind in during his recovery. I supported as best I could, which he appreciated and I was so proud of him.
But I started to notice him being withdrawn from the relationship, not being able to express his feelings, not being able to touch me except for being physical, avoiding interactions, withdrawing from socialising at my accomadation. I said nothing for the longest time. I tried to put it under the rug and put it down to the stress of the new path he was on. There were family occassions when there was a very over affectionate display put on, that was very different to when we were both together.
His overall actions and words conveyed to me that he wasnt into the relationship anymore, or me but would refuse to talk about it, saying we will talk in the future. This avoidance of the conversation went on for about 8 weeks.
I have given so much to the relationship, opened my heart to him, over and over, supported him through recovery and felt really commited to the relationship - good and bad times. He has questioned my commitment and my trust, of course neither of us are perfect - I took actions and made decisions to prove this to him and to myself, at the sacrifice and distancing of friends and such.
Now I feel I have done these things, changed who I was to be what I thought would be a better person for me and the relationship, to find myself and my self esteem so very low after months of not understanding his emotions and mental state as he wouldnt share. I have no clarity as to what really happened - I wondered was there someone else, was someone else persuing him, all sorts of crazy things - the months of him not telling me he loved me, not wanting to fight for the realtionship, not wanting to share his problems with me, just emotionally shutting down have worn me down.
I am worried I am being selfish aswell, maybe he is going through more than I will ever be aware of?
We have been through breakups before had time apart and gotten back together, but I am so emotionally drained, emotional every day I dont know where to start with building myself back up. I love him so much, that the emotions I feel right now is naturally upset but anger for his complancency in the relationship and breakup. I am having no contact with him - but constantly think about him.
I am worried that if he was to walk into my life in the morning, I would be running right back because my love for him is so deep, but fear we would end up on the same cycle.
Dear Recovery 2012 Welcome to Miracles in Progress I am so very glad that you found this Board and had the courage to share from your heart. We who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism understand as few others can.
I love your Log on Name and do hope that 2012 will be the year you reach out to alanon face to face meetings in your community. This is where I found hope and new tools to live my life. Help in finding local meetings near where you live may be found at the following web site:
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html Or call: 1-888-4alanon Having lived with the disease of alcoholism we have been affected and do require a program of recovery. I urge you to try our program and not to make any major life changes for the first 6 months you are in program This is suggested because when we first arrive we are, as you describe -lost, with low self esteem and confused. Working with the alanon ideas and concepts gives us the clarity and courage to make decisions that are constructive and good for us.
(((recovery))) Hi, and welcome to MIP. I understand the thought of putting so much into the relationship, trying so hard to support and help my A that I ended up losing myself. I turned into someone I didn't know and didn't want to be. Something that helped me a lot is the ¨three C's¨ - I didn't CAUSE it (his addiction to alcohol), I can't CONTROL it, and I can't CURE it. Knowing that and realizing the only person I can control is myself, I started working on changing me. I put my focus on myself instead of my A. I know, easier said than doen, but it does get easier with practice. Please read other posts and replys here and keep coming back. The folks on this board are full of love, wisdom and support.
Welcome recovery2012! So glad you found us. While the board and the chat/meeting room are very useful to your recovery, I have found that f2f meetings are also imperative. I'm hoping once you get familiar with the language and program you'll build up your courage and try a f2f! They really aren't as scary as they seem.
What you shared really hit home with me. I had this same "obsession" with my alcoholic ex-h and he with me. It seemed to extend past the divorce (August 2009) and continues somewhat to this day. I have found that "disengaging" myself from the alcoholic is just about as hard as the alcoholic "disengaging" from the alcohol. It is an addiction all it's own.
I attend regular f2f meetings and on-line meetings here in MIP. It is a constant struggle, but one that I know is necessary for my emotional health. I must keep on keepin on, and "fake it, till I make it" with this addiction to my ex-husband. I am weak, I am not strong enough to do it alone. I need you guys to keep me straight!
Keep coming back, it works if you work it!
Love and hugs,
Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Thank you so so much for your support and encouragement - you're kind words are so comforting at this time.
"Overcome" - yes, it is almost like an obsession! That's the very way of describing it! Now it just feels like a lot a rejection, since the obsession isnt being returned.
I don't want to be this miserable person, or this person that I am not content with being. I am going to take this opportunity and turn it into something positive, be able to be a better me - for all the right reasons. Become stronger and remember the the 3 C's and live one day at a time.
I think it is so important to do what you say, "take this opportunity and turn it into something positive". You hit the nail on the head when you said that he wasn't "in" this relationship and contributing to the relationship. What more can you do? You will simply go crazy faster. Take care of yourself. You don't have to give up on the relationship, but you can do something else with yourself.
