desperate - Al-Anon Family Group

london · Newbie

desperate

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear London

I recognize the desperate painful feelings that you are experiencing. Alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless.

I found my only hope and help were in al anon. I knew I could not stop or help my son and that my sanity was being destroyed. Al anon face to face meetings and sharing on this Board helped me to find a level of acceptance, serenity and courage that I did not have before.

My son's neighbors and myself called 911 several times as we feared for his life. If you are that fearful then you have that option.

Please take care of yourself Meetings, connecting with others who truly understand is more helpful than you realize.

In my thoughts and prayers

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

London

Welcome to MIP
I am sorry for what you are going through. I myself have a son who is an addict. We have spent years doing everything humanly possible to help him with no success. Unfortunately we are not powerful enough to stop or cure this disease. The Alcoholic/Addict must want recovery for themselves.
Now when I 1st came to Alanon I was looking for a quick fix for my son. I was immediately told this program was for ME, to get Me healthy, to get Me to change my behaviors as living with this disease had directly affected my life. In fact I had lost my own identity in attempt to fix my child.
I wanted to leave the program at that point. An Old timer told me this "Try our program for 6 months, really work it, it is free. If after 6 months you want to leave we will gladly refund you your misery"
I did not want to be miserable anymore so I stuck around. I heard things that while true I didn't want to hear. I had to learn to accept things I didn't want to accept. But I listened and learned from those who had walked in my shoes and soon my behavior was changing.
My son continues to be an addict but 4 years into this program I have learned and continue to learn everyday how to live my life peacefully, with enjoyment despite what my son may or may not be doing.
I had to be willing to do the work of this program and make the commitment to this program and I am here to tell you This program has saved my life and sanity in the most literal sense.
I urge you to find a meeting in your area and try the program again.
My prayers are with you and your daughter!
Blessings

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Hi london, welcome. I hope you'll stick around and not give up on Alanon.

I entered Alanon rooms looking for solutions to help my husband get sober and stay sober. I'm glad I stayed because the meetings helped me to regain my sanity and to let him experience recovery without my having a hand in it.

There's lots of experience strength and hope to be found in the rooms and on this board and I have definitely felt less alone due to loving members in this program and I hope you will too! Keep coming back to share the recovery journey with us. TT

Highlyfavored · Senior Member

London, both my adult son and daughter are al/ad's, I thank HP (God) for me for guiding me to ala-non. It is more painful coping with my daughter than my son, maybe because of the grandchildren, I never in my wildest imagination ever thought I would have to feel so much pain. But, with keeping God really big in my life, ala-non and my sponsor, I'm able to say I've found peace and serenity most of the time. I admit I lose my serenity from time to time when I forget my powerlessness and that a loving God is in control of me and them including my grandchildren. The pain is still there, but it doesn't hurt much any more. I can still laugh, take good care of myself, and live my life even ala-non meetings and fellowship are one of my enjoyable and favoriate activities.

Give ala-non another chance, I'm a witness it will work if you work it, I pray that you will find comfort and strength during this difficult time, I believe I can truly say I know what you are going through. I pray that your daughter will be lead to the path of recovery. With love!

Highlyfavored!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha London...I've read all of the responses here to your desperate cry for help and all of them left me with a lump in my chest and a tear in my eye...because they all echo the love and encouragement I got when I so desperately needed help when I didn't have it.

I also came to early meetings of Al-Anon and AA and dismissed it all. I was too angry, self centered and self determined so I dismissed it all and continued with what I knew and which wasn't working. It never had worked and never would work and I had to come to understand that while admitting that it had reached total mental, emotional, spiritual and physical insanity.

My HP led me back into the rooms and I got simple instructions just like you heard here. Mine were "Sit down, listen, learn, practice". I was suggested to do 90 meetings in 90 days and I got 102 in. I was told also I could get a refund on my miseries if I felt the program wasn't for me. My misery had me at the door of suicide again so working the program had a more acceptable ring to it and I stay...and stay...an have a life today I never thought possible from all the other things I tried; probably because it is a God thing not a me thing. More understanding comes in time to that statement but fast forward to today...being on this computer offering input, feedback, Experience - Strength - Hope is the consequence of the God thing. You'll remember it from our 12th step.

Keep coming back cause this does work when you work it. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Dearest London, we cannot just try to do Al Anon, we have to do it.

I know the pain you are in, we want so much to help those we love. So as

Al Anon teaches, we have to let go of them. We make it worse if we make their disease any of our business. My way is not even talking about it,not my problem. Does not mean it does not hurt me, but I know it is best.

For you it's a let go and leg God or whatever or whoever your HP is. I had to visualized my A in the creators big hand. Read Getting Them Sober volume one over and over, it still helps me with things.

Al Anon is all we got. And it works. It takes the time it takes and we have to do the work! For me at first it was saying the Serenity prayer over and over as I was crazy unhappy and scared for me and my A.

When I let go, just really blew it out and through it out with my hands and arms, what a relief. We allow the disease to cage us and such us dry.

London we don't have to allow ourselves to think about it. I would instantly stop thinking about it and put in wild irises in my head. I am not kidding even now if I start even thinking about it, irises fill my brain.

Hey I still get concerned over my A, he is insane, very sick, in pain, a huge mess. But it is not my problem and how dare I try to take it away from where it belongs, with HP.

I was just thinking how arrogant we are when we think we can do anything, its no our job, its impossible for us to do anything. NOT talking about you, was just thinking about this in general.

It is also ignorance too. Of course we think we have to help, they are sick, making bad decisions etc. That is natural, but we have to stop.

I broke away, had to nap a lot read al anon lit. came here lots, made sure I ate and drank well, took care of me. We learn to take the focus off them and think about us.

I hope you keep coming. I promise if you follow Al Anon you will "get it" and feel so free.

much love,debilyn

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

It is counter-intuitive to let go when we most want to grip harder and control more. But she has her path to live in life. You can't do it for her. SHe has to decide for herself what path she wants to go. You have to do what makes you feel better knowing that you really have no influence in her life. If you did, she would already be "fixed" because we know you have tried very hard. It doesn't work when we try to do it.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I tried Al-anon over 10 years ago the first time and I wasn't ready, this time I have been attending Al-anon for over a year and I have gained so much serenity. I hope you can open up to giving face to face meetings another try and coming back here to MIP! I highly recommend the book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Sending you love and support on your journey!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Alanon is not going to take away all the pain and disappointment when your daughter makes bad decisions. It will have you focused on your higher power, the positives that still exist in your life, making the best of things you can control, and maximizing your time, energy, love...etc....without being swept up in the tidal wave of disease your daughter is showing. I am so sorry you are having to go through with this.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.