The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am liking learning all this great stuff like not enabling, having boundaries, not feeling "bad" for having boundaries, etc.
My son is not liking it. This is my oldest, about to be 16. He has been nothing but rude, disrespectful and condescending. Sadly the result is that the fun things I usually provide have been off limits.
Brief set up: ex was for years abusive, mean, nasty, dysfunctional, in and out of bad relationships, dragging the kids through them, CPS in their lives, eventually took to drinking, etc. I was there doing my best to fight for as much custody as I could get to keep them in the sane spot.
Ex suddenly within the last month appears to be on medication. something he probably should have done 20 years ago. He's actually acting and sounding normal and has apologized to the kids for the horrible things he has done and wants to make up for it. They are glad of course, they are kids.
My take is "anything is possible". I'll accept this at face value until I see otherwise.
Son doesn't like that I won't tolerate being treated - well - basically the way my ex did for 20 years (15 married, 5 divorced). So guess where he suddenly wants to live? Just 2 weeks ago it was "I'm never going to dad's house ever again".
What was my response after he was ticked two nights ago that I would not back down on allowing him access to my computer - and he said "I want to go live with dad". I said "give him a call".
He did and Sunday we are discussing the change and I was clear - I will not play the "more fun house" game. So do not call me in two weeks and tell me you changed your mind, you are making a decision to change your primary house. Own it.
Me? I'm confident that no matter what - when he matures he will remember loud and clear who was there for him through hell, who has supported him when he was old enough to stand up to his dad and say "I will no longer visit you if you continue to treat me as you do". And one thing I made sure he got very clear - I value myself too much to allow my teenager to speak to me in the manner you are and so if you are unable to comply and you want to leave, by all means, please go.
I'm ok with this. My parents think I'm nuts. I think my son needs to mature a little, this might be a step. And if his dad truly has turned a new leaf, maybe they can heal their relationship.
I'm at peace with this one. Still love my son, still think he's an awesome kid, just sometimes we need to let them make some decisions we don't agree with and see where it goes.
He played the game for a little while. Then my husband told his son... the next time ,,, it won't be your choice. He went to his mothers... asked to come back again and was told no.... you chose your mothers.. live with it.
My husband had been a single dad for 6 years when I met him... looking after 2 kids alone. They both went to their mother eventually.. its sad.. but it has to be done... make a choice, live with it.
((((C)))) this is what "tough" love looks, sound and feels like; also how its done. He's blessed to have a Mom who knows how to do it and has the courage to change the things she can. Teens (I've worked with tons of them) can hiss, scream, spit and growl and mostly that is just noise. If he's not acting out beyond that he's a normie and you have the "fun" house picture done good. Asking my HP to get your back when you need it.
Sending love and support, never easy to let go of the kids when they decide they know better.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Can you imagine that you would ever would have had the clarity of mind to take such a step with your son? This program is amazing. You did indeed "change the things that you can".
I am amazed that I'm able to do this, but ironically I look back and remember how much more difficult it was before when I needed everyone to think like me. It was a lot of work LOL!! I'm thankful for all the tools I'm learning, serenity and sanity are so calming
