The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been here in so long, or to a face to face meeting in months. I seriously thought this time he was going to stay sober. He has been working his program for a year and made it through all 12 steps. But, on his 1 year sober date, he took off to spend the evening with his son. That was May 2nd. He hasn't been home since, and when I talked to him on the phone he said he was drinking. What a mess. I am sick of it. I can't let this be my life. This is the third time in the three years that he drank since we have been back together. We were together when we were 20. We are now in our late 40's. When he drinks he goes on a binge or bender or whatever you call it, for a week to a month, until he is sick of drinking then he gets sober. Wedding was planned, date set...honeymoon paid for. And BINGO! He drinks. I packed all of his clothes yesterday and put everything in the garage. He is self employed and not working this week, he is going to mess up this business that he put two years of sweat into. He is on the lease here, so I am a little concerned that I won't be able to make him leave. But, for me, I have to get through the embarrassement of canceling my wedding. And to admit that I am not more important than his disease. BTW..Adele writes a lot of sad songs! LOL, I have it playing right now and it fits. I have to stay strong and get my life back. I cannot live waiting for him to take a drink over and over within 8 months to a year of his sobriety date. It's too much for me. Last year when he did this he wound up in the hospital and they called me. I went down and got him. I don't want to get him this time. I don't want to rescue him ever again. I am now reading Getting Them Sober Vol 2. I read Vol 1 last time.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Welcome back, so sorry you are going through all this stuff at the moment. It's not easy to know when enough is enough. Sometimes if they just leave the property it is a situation you won't have to worry about him trying to stay. My AH left the house and thankfully has stayed out. LOL .. something to be said for being viewed as the enemy .. lol.
Anyway, get back up on that program horse. Take care of you and remember it does get better. For me and alanon, what it represents I know this is a long term commitment. I will and can get better, I also know the emotional part of my part is something that will be there for a long time to come. I have to keep working on me to make sure I don't go back to where I was at.
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My husband totally relapsed three days before our wedding.
I nearly called it off but it was the first time it had happened. The lies and deceipt continued for about a year. Things have settled a little (married in September 2010), but he knew if he was stoned on teh day of our wedding, I told him that I would walk away no matter when Irealised and there would be no wedding. He was straight on the day, the next day was a different story.
This is a chronically relapsing condition. You will know what to do at the right time for you.
The whole thing is just out of control. I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that he just can't stay sober. I need to get out of this now. The sad part, is when he is sober, he is an amazing, kind, giving, nurturing man. =(
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I can relate to your share and I hope you can dive into your recovery and get to face to face Al-anon meetings too! "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews was a life saver for me. I am glad you are back here and can get back into your program. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
this site has been wonderful.. but most beneficial has been face 2 face meetings for me and walks with al-anon friends. I love the program.. I love my HP, who I rely on now and who I allow to "rescue" my alcoholic now. I can't help him. he has to help himself. I can help me, though, by going to meetings and letting go And letting my HP be in control. Keep coming back.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
I understand your pain and disappointment. Now is he time to rev up your recovery program. It really isn't about us. We don't have to go on the ride with them. All the best.
Aloha Kat...everyone has given the solution that works and you already know what you stopped doing as well as what he stopped doing. Your happiness or sadness isn't about him...sorry to say. When I learned that I and I alone was responsible for mine I almost ran away and hid in fear.
"I cannot live waiting for him to take a drink over and over within 8 months to a year of his sobriety date." You might have been doing this while not wanting to which is a character of insanity however there are lots of alternatives I learned to doing this myself and they all can be found in the program and around recovering people.
There's time, you don't have to decide anything today. Your feelings about this are still fresh. Things have a way of working themselves out as they're mean't to.
For an alcoholic, there's always the risk of picking up that first drink. That risk is never going to go away katfshh. You hear about people who pick up a drink again who have been sober for many decades. My abf tells me that this why he values his twenty four hour coin the most. He works it a day at a time. I try to take that lesson to heart and stay in this day only too while working Alanon.
With that said ... we both realize that we're two imperfect people working our programs imperfectly. Recovery truly is the first thing in both our lives. You didn't mention if your abf is in AA but you do have Alanon and can continue to take care of yourself as you get ready to make a very big decision about your future.
If you marry your abf, you'll be marrying someone with an incurable disease; a disease "that can be arrested but never cured." You can't love it out of him, Kat. You've read the books, you're living it, you know. Being in a relationship with and marrying an alcoholic is not for everyone.
For the moment... maybe just take a breath. If you invite your higher power in as you think about what you want to do, you'll make the right decision for you. Hugs - TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 5th of May 2012 10:15:12 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I'm sorry this has happened, he no doubt thought he was going to stay sober too.....the disease is cunning.
I would reel with crushing disappointment after each relapse even although through time, & programme support, I kept my expectations low. For you to cancel your wedding is a crushing blow to your hopes and dreams.
I've learned (in Al-anon) not to hang my hopes and dreams on to an addict (or indeed anyone)..... that my happiness is of my own making. I can choose every minute of every day to live my life for the goodness of my own health and sanity.
The roller coaster was a long bumpy ride to hell.....I chose, eventually, to get off. My life is good today......tomorrow is another day and I won't spoil this one by dwelling on the unknown.
I hope you can get f2f al-anon support soon......breathe, be still.....look after yourself. Decide what is best for YOU. I always find strength in the slogan 'what other people think is none of my business'
Wow! Thanks everyone for the support. I appreciate it. Tiredtonight, he is in AA. He has been in the program since he was 22 years old. He is now 47. Longest he has stayed sober was 3 years. Not looking too hopeful for him to stay sober for once and for all. So, today I am going to focus on me. The last few days I have been so worried and stressed out and focused on him. Thanks everyone!
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
I am also in AA and have seen the version of chronic relapser you are describing. That must be pretty torturous to deal with. It scares me to hear about. Working an AA program is not easy and I just have 3 and a half years sober now. I cannot fathom starting over again. I guess what I see is that some people do pick up a few skills in AA such that they minimize the damage of their relapses and begin to think "Oh, I will just pick up another white chip when I'm done and start over." I never want to think that way. My loved ones would get fed up and it would put them through hell. Sorry you are gong through this. Sharing it has helped me stay sober and I do want to thank you for it. Prayers are with you.
I'm glad that helped you Mark. My AF and I dated for a year when we were about 19-20 years old. His mom was in the AA program at that time and his dad had recently passed away. We broke up, went our separate ways and reconnected in 2009. We did the long distance thing and then he moved out here. The scary part of the entire thing was he moved out here during a binge. He wanted to get away from where he lived and start over here. He and his disease thought that if he moved to the west coast from the East coast and got in AA here, lived in a Sober living home here, he would do so much better. After he did that he stayed sober for 8 months. We were living together by then. He did exactly what he did the time before and what he is doing now. Got mad at some stressful event in his life and packed a backpack, stayed in hotels, burned away 1500 bucks, and the went to a hospital and had them call me! At that point he stayed sober, been working his program and I was so excited for his 1 year sobriety date! I was going to take him out to a nice dinner and stay in a hotel for the night. But, his son was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia and he has been so stressed out about it. So, he decided to get mad at me on May 1st, pack a backpack and go see his son. I asked him if he was going to drink when he left and he said he wasn't. But, he did. That was May 1st, he started drinking the next day. I haven't seen him since. He has to be about out of money right now and thank God we never got a joint account. But, I have had this fear so we keep our money separate. I do have access to his accounts and he is now neg in both of his checking accounts. We were in the processs of becoming debt free, so the only credit card he has would be the only thing he could use for money. I believe there was only about 500.00 available on it. So, here is my fear and question. When he runs out of money to buy booze and stay in a hotel, he will want to come here. How on earth to I handle that? I want him to go back to sober living, I can't make a major break up decision, but I can insist on this. But, he is really manipulative or his disease is. He will promise to stop, but keep going if I provide a means to him. The first time he did this since we have been back together it lasted about a month, the second time was about the same. I guess what I am looking for today is that strength to be able to keep him out of our home. (It's his home too, so that makes it a little difficult.) Anyone that has any ideas would be so appreciated.
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Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Most of us, and those of us have been sober long enough know that self-sabotage in the face of stress only makes for more stress.
There is a saying in AA that only an alcoholic will find themselves in a hole and dig deeper. Kat - if you are truly done with him in your heart and in your mind, you will find the strength - Your higher power has given you that ability. You don't need to carry him at all. Especially considering he knows where to go to get sober.
If I was his sponsor, I would tell him to grow the hell up. It sucks when your family is sick and work stress sucks and so forth, but making excuses and planning relapses around stressful life events is total recovery sabotage. The person wants to stay sick. In some ways it's scarier and more frustrating than a person that never agreed to or found AA at all.
